I laughed. “We good?” I asked, my heart threatening to skip a beat. Hard to explain how much her answer here meant to me.
Maggie gave me a wide smile. “Well, not sure if I should speak for both of us, but I’m very good with where we are right now.” She leaned over to press an openmouthed kiss to my chest, then peered up at me. “As a matter of fact, if you don’t have any plans for this morning, I’m fine spending some more time proving that to you, Cole Sullivan.”
I chuckled. “Cole, is it?”
She wrinkled her nose. “I feel like this might be a Cole, not Sully, kind of moment.”
I took a second to let out a small cheer inside. This boded good things, right? But it was a conversation we needed to continue once I ditched the condom. I started to pull out though I felt like I could stay joined to her forever.
“Stay,” she whispered.
“Let me get rid of this condom, then I’ll be right back.” I moved, kissing her neck as I went. Pulling out completely, my gut clenched when I glanced down. “Shit, Mags…” I froze, unsure what to do.
Her eyes shot to mine. “What?”
I looked down at all that was Maggie, and everything I wanted for my future, lying before me on my bed. “Goddamn condom broke,” I growled. Anxiety spiraling, my mind played back the past half hour as I worked to bite back the panic. Meeting her wide eyes again, I remembered her saying she was on the pill. “Okay. It’s okay, Mags. Right? I swear I’m clean. You’ve got nothing to worry about.” I leaned down and kissed her nose, then headed toward the bathroom.
After closing the door to the bathroom, I leaned against it and worked to calm my racing heart. I hoped Maggie couldn’t tell how freaked I was. I didn’t want her to think I was regretting anything. I just needed to get control of this feeling of impending doom. It was an overreaction, sure. Damn, after having sex for over fifteen years, I guess it wasn’t shocking that a condom would break at some point. But I couldn’t explain the terror that shot through me when I looked down and realized it had. But we were fine here.
Damn if the broken condom hadn’t had the unfortunate consequence of Dad’s voice popping in my head. Talk about inopportune time to think of your father. I fought a grin at that, thinking of how often he lectured Max and me about safe sex over the years, the importance of double protection, always. At least until you were in a committed relationship and were okay with having a kid.
Kids. My heart lurched a little, thinking about that concept as I cleaned up, disposing of the POS condom before washing my hands. We were covered there, thankfully, since Maggie was on birth control. But what if we hadn’t been? I wasn’t ready to be a dad, not yet. I needed more money in the bank, more equity built up in our brewery, to pay off more of this house. That’s what this new canning venture was all about. Getting me set up so that I could be a solid provider for a family one day. Because hell yeah, I wanted that. I wanted it all. But after watching my parents struggle through some lean years farming, I knew the financial shape I needed to be in before that happened.
Shaking my head, I looked up in the mirror as I dried my hands. I looked like I’d seen a ghost.Get your shit together, Sullivan, I told myself. I needed to take care of this and get out to Maggie. Fuck, I hope she believed me that she had nothing to worry about in terms of STDs. Now I just needed to thank God for birth control pills and get us back on track with our morning.
Taking a deep breath, I opened the door to walk back into the bedroom. My gaze first hit the bed, which was empty. What the fuck. Turning my head, I saw Maggie struggling into her clothes by my dresser.
“Maggie?”
A tearful face turned toward me as my heart clenched. She looked tortured. What in the world?
“I need to go home,” she said in a broken voice.
I blinked, shaking my head to try to make sense of my current reality. “What? Maggie, talk to me.”
She took a deep breath, closed her eyes, and then another one. She turned her head to look out the windows, away from me. She whispered, “I’m sorry, Sully. We can talk later. I really need to go home right now.”
My gut clenched. I thought we’d been on the same page. Had I somehow pressured her? Had she not wanted this? Fuck. Nausea welled up as I croaked, moving to place myself in front of her. “Maggie, was this—I mean, I though you wanted this too. Did I pressure you?” I closed my eyes, not even sure I could look at her as she answered.
Her hand came up to tilt my chin down, and I looked at her. Tears were now streaming from her eyes, but her gaze was soft. She leaned up and kissed my nose. “Cole, you could never pressure anyone. I’m a mess, and I’m sorry. This wasn’t a good idea, but not because of you, because of me. And I really need to get home right now.” With that, she slid away from me and walked to the bathroom, shutting the door behind her.
I moved to my bed and sat down on the edge. I’d wait right here so I could see her the moment she came out. Damn if I didn’t feel like I had just had my heart torn out. I could still smell the flower scent of her perfume in the air of the room. The bed was still a mess from sleep and sex. An hour ago my life had seemed like it was pretty perfect. How did everything go from perfection to disaster in the matter of a few minutes?
* * *
Maggie
I stood on the other side of the bathroom door from Cole, panic threatening to take me down in a heartbeat. A broken condom. Didn’t see that one coming. Normally, that wouldn’t be the end of the world. God knows I was clean. I never had sex without a condom, and got checked out every year at my annual just in case. And it wasn’t like I’d been with that many guys anyway. And knowing the Sullivans for all these years, I’d had plenty ofsafe sextalks from their mom, Anna, to Emma and me during our teen years. I had no idea if my dad knew that Anna had taken me on for those conversations or if he’d asked her to, but from middle school on, Anna had preached to us about sex to the point that Emma and I joked she’d written her own handbook. She told us often that consent was everything, and it went both ways. That sex was amazing as long as it was with someone you felt comfortable and confident with. And double protection was the rule, always—or until we were old and gray. Bless.
And now look where I was. Even when Sully tried, we failed. Because what he didn’t know, and I didn’t remember until just a few minutes ago, is that we went from thinking we had double protection to none. Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck. When he said those fateful words,the condom broke,my brain flashed back to my stomach flu just a few days ago when everything came up, violently, for a bit over twenty-four hours, including, I’d assume, two days’ worth of pills. At the time, I’d thought nothing of it. But now…
I stepped to the sink and looked at myself in the mirror. It was fine, right? What the hell would the chances be of me being pregnant after one time? One time when we thought we’d done everything right. One time when I’d been stupid enough to think that I could finally have the guy of my dreams, even if it was only for a little while.
I shook my head at the naive girl looking back at me in the mirror.Should have known, Maggie. Should have known more than to reach for the stars.Disgusted with myself, I tugged the ponytail holder out, then smoothed back my hair and pulled it up once more. Walk out, tell Sully we needed to leave, get in his truck, head home. Then I could have the breakdown I deserved in peace. I just needed to get home. I could do this. I could.
Deep breaths, I opened the door and took one look at Cole sitting on the bed, facing the bathroom. His legs were spread, elbows on his knees, hands clasped together, head hanging down. Hearing the door, he lifted his head to look at me, a tortured expression on his face. I closed my eyes and let my head drop. I couldn’t say anything to him right now. I fucked this all up. If I hadn’t tried to reach for just a bit more, we’d still be friends, arguing about the best movie or band as he took me home this morning.
“Hey, hey,” I heard him say, feeling him coming closer to me. “It’s okay, Maggie. I swear it is.” He pulled me into a hug, and I let him because I didn’t know if I could handle much more this morning.
