I shake my head, tears threatening to fall at this point. “No. I’m fine.”
He nods solemnly, clearly unhappy that I haven’t confessed, and he can’t kick me out. He’s probably bored in this seminary. Well, he can pick on someone else. Not me.
Wow, where did that come from?
“You’re dismissed,” Father Jacob says roughly, and I nod.
I walk back to Micah, who is waiting for me with a frown on his face. I don’t stop though, and he scrambles out of the pew to follow after me.
“What was that?” Micah asks, catching up to me. “Why do they think you’re doing something wrong? You’re a saint.”
“I’mnota saint,” I mutter. “I don’t know, alright? This isn’t the first time they’ve questioned me.” But I don’t go into any more detail, and my friend is clearly not satisfied.
“You’ve been acting strange lately, you know. I guess I can see why they’d be worried,” he murmurs, and I stiffen. Not him too. Anyone but Micah. He knows me well enough to know when I’m lying. “You can trust me. I won’t say anything if you tell me what’s going on.”
“Nothing is going on.” I sigh. “And honestly, I’m getting really tired of people implying there is. I’m perfectly fine, same as always. I’m just tired is all.”
“All the time?” Micah asks, raising an eyebrow at me. My cheeks heat as I recall why I really am tired all the time. All of my midnight escapades. “Have you not been getting sleep?”
“Uh.” I shake my head. “Not really.”
“Hmmm,” Micah murmurs, and I don’t look at him, avoiding eye contact at all costs so he doesn’t catch me in yet another lie.“If you need someone to hang out with when you’re unable to sleep, I’m here.”
“Thanks.” I smile, this time looking at him. His own smile is wide, and his cheeks heat in a way that makes me believe he wouldn’t only want to talk during this hangout session. Or maybe my brain is just depraved now that I’ve had a taste of true sin. Yeah, that’s probably it.
I’d been walking blindly this entire time. For a moment, back at the chapel, I was leading the way, but now it’s definitely Micah. Before I realize it, we’ve ended up in front of my bedroom door. I’m standing with my back against it, and Micah is crowding me. Everyone seems to be at dinner right now, which doesn’t bode well for me, mostly because Micah is clearly feeling bolder than usual. He steps into me until our shoes are touching and leans into my face. He’s a few inches away, and I can feel his breath against my lips.
Past me would’ve been elated at this turn of events but present me is actually terrified. I haven’t forgotten how Azriel reacted to Micah, and I won’t be the reason we have issues again.No. Micah is no one in comparison to my Azriel, and I have to put a stop to this. Right now.
“Micah—” I whisper, shaking my head quickly when he leans into me, but he grabs my face with both hands. “Wait.”
“I’ve waited long enough,” he replies hoarsely, crushing his lips to mine.
They’re hard and unyielding, and I turn my hand on the knob and open the door, letting my body push it open. I fall to the ground on my ass, and Micah manages not to topple over with me, thankfully. I don’t know what I’d do if he ended up on top of me, but I'd probably knee him in the balls if it meant proving to Azriel that he’s the only one for me.
“What the fuck, Elijah?” he spits, eyes narrowed on me, and I flinch. He’s never spoken to me in that tone—never. “Is it really that unbearable to kiss me?”
“Micah—I’m sorry,” I reply, breathing raggedly. Seriously, it sounds like I just ran a mile. “I told you to wait. I told you the other day that I don’t want to be together. I’m sorry, but I don’t want to lead you on.”
“I see the way you look at me…” Micah trails off. “Why are you lying?”
“I’mnotlying,” I tell him desperately, wishing he’d believe me. I get up from the ground and wipe my sweaty hands on my hips. “If I wanted you, I’d be the first one to tell you to leave together. I’d be right there with you. But I don’t reciprocate your feelings. I am sorry.”
“Fuck this,” Micah spits, turning around and leaving me behind.
He doesn’t go very far, only walking a few feet to the left and opening his bedroom door, then slamming it shut. I exhale loudly in relief, shutting my own door and locking it for good measure. I sit down at my desk to write in my journal, which I’ve been doing every day since I met Azriel for the first time. Well, summoned him. Same thing. I’ve had to be careful with what I write, not wanting to implicate myself if someone finds it. So I’ve been writing in riddles, which is proving to be both difficult and fun. This time, when I open my journal to a new page, there’s a note scribbled onto the paper.
Meet me in the confessional booth at eleven-thirty tonight.
— A
A flutter runs through me and lands in my stomach, making me feel queasy. The smile that takes over my face can only be described as radiant, and it’s so wide it hurts my cheeks. I’m honestly grateful he can’t see me making a fool of myself right now. I can’t help it though. There’s something about him that has done me in. I’ve fallen badly, and I know there’s no possible way to hide it anymore.
I spend the next few hours writing in my journal and rereading it, trying but failing to make the time go by faster. It’s an endless loop of looking at the watch on my wrist and tapping my pen against the wooden surface of the desk, and I’m starting to shake with desperation. I need to see him, and I need to do it now.
At long last, it’s eleven-thirty, and I change into sweatpants and a soft t-shirt. Something easily accessible. I need him inside me. I need it like I need air in order to stay alive, and lately, I’ve been no stranger to feeling as if I’m suffocating. At least that’s the way I’ve felt every time he leaves me in the night, going back to wherever it is he goes when he’s not with me. I ache for him to be by my side at all times, even though I know it’s not smart or possible as long as I stay in this seminary.
Opening my door quietly, I peek my head out and look around. It’s dark, save for the light above the stove, and I step out of my room and shut the door so softly it makes no sound. I exhale roughly, my hands shaking as I roam the seminary with hushed steps until I finally make it to the chapel. It’s cold and empty, and everything is still. I can hear my ragged breathing as I walk toward the booth, and it’s so loud I sound like I’m panting. And maybe I am. It always makes me nervous to sneak around at night to meet up with Azriel. At the same time, I can’t not do it. I’d risk it all for him, and I think he knows it at this point.
