Please make her stop.
“Please excuse me, Gemma,” I say with a shaking voice. “I have to go.”
“As you wish,” she mutters, stepping out of the way. “We could’ve bonded, you know.”
I clear my throat and nod. “Maybe another time.”
She lets me go, thankfully, and I all but sprint to the living quarters. I’m tired of interacting with people for the day, and yet, as soon as I make it to the living room, Micah is beckoning me to him. I give him a barely there smile, a very fake one, and his brows furrow.
My room feels so inviting right now, and I want to give him an excuse,anyexcuse, to finally be left alone. I just want to be one with my thoughts for a while. But I don’t do that. Instead, I make my way to his side and sit on the couch with him. Resting my bible and journal on my lap, I face forward and stare at the wall across from us, right above the opposite couch.
He clears his throat. “Are you alright?”
“Yeah,” I say hoarsely, then shake my head. “I don’t know.”
“You can talk to me.”
“There’s not much to say, Micah.” I sigh. “Maybe I just need a distraction.”
Micah smiles. “I can give you that.”
I nod, smiling back. “Have you talked to your family?”
Micah wasn’t raised in the church. He doesn’t have a family that demanded perfection from him growing up. Maybe that’s why he’s more relaxed when it comes to this place. He follows God because he chooses to, not because he is expected to. There has to be a certain freedom in that, a weight lifted off his shoulders. The fear of failure is taken away because no one is pressuring him to go through with this. But then that makes me wonder, if he’s doing it of his own free will, why in the world would he want to?
“Yeah,” he says softly, and I look at him. He’s smiling, his eyes shining with happiness. “Lucy just had her baby.” His sister. “She named him Luca.”
“I love that name,” I whisper.
“Yeah, me too,” he replies, smile faltering at my expression. I don’t know what I look like right now, but I force myself to go blank. “She said they’ll come to visit soon. They’re only an hour away.”
“That’s nice.” I smile, kind of wishing I had someone to visit me. But I’d never want my parents to come here. They’d just find a way to put me down in front of all the people I admire. No, that won’t do. I’ve suffered enough humiliation from them. “I’m really glad, Micah.”
“You can meet them…” he says softly. “I’d like you to.”
“Sure, I’d love that,” I reply, smile wobbling.
“Elijah, have you ever thought about leaving this place?” Micah asks me, and I frown. The seminary feels like home though, so I shake my head. “I have, you know. I don’t really know if I have what it takes to go through with this.”
“What do you mean?” I ask him, looking away. I know exactly what he means and why he’s asking me. But I pretend I don’t. I’m not sure why I want him to say it out loud, but I do.
“I think you know exactly what I mean,” he whispers, getting closer to my ear. I look forward, feeling his warm breath on the shell of my ear. “Don’t pretend you don’t feel this too.”
I gasp, staying still, not daring to move. “What are you saying, Micah?”
“I’m saying I—I like you.” His voice trembles slightly, and my eyes widen when his fingers wrap around my forearm. “I want to be with you.”
“Micah—”
“Let’s leave,” he says with more urgency, clearly sensing a rejection. “Let’s go far away and live our lives together.”
Oh, Jesus.
What have I done? Have I led him on? I’m not even sure anymore, but maybe I shouldn’t have encouraged him to speak up.
I shake my head. “I c-can’t,” I whisper. “I’ve been raised for this my whole life, Micah. You wouldn’t understand.”
“No, I wouldn’t,” he replies, “I think we could be really happy. I’d make sure of it.”
