"Yeah, but we were scared.We’d messed up so much with Renee.She had your grandfather wrapped around her little finger when she was younger.He spoiled her, and she could manipulate him like nobody’s business.We didn’t want to make the same mistakes with you and Richie.So we just stood by and watched you make mistakes."
"I think Richie and I turned out pretty damn good, and that’s all because of you and Gramps."
"Rachel," she says quietly, "you’re kind of a mess."
I jump to my feet, my voice rising to a level I’ve never taken with my grandmother before."I am not!"That’s it.That’s my whole argument.I guess this is why I never considered law school.I would have sucked ass.
"Rachel, you are still working the same job you had when you were fourteen years old."
"No, I’m not.I just quit.And, back then, I was just answering phones and filing paperwork.I do so much more now.I’m the South Regional Director.At least I was until I resigned to take a different job.A job I want.A job that will make me happy."Take that, Gram.I still don’t think arguing in a court of law is my chosen calling.That’s one profession I can rule out.Nine billion left to go.
"Yes, but it’s not your passion.It’s not what you want to do."
"Yeah!It’s why I turned in my notice to take a much poorer-paying job at a bookstore.At least that gets me excited to go to work everyday.Plus, I think there will be much less shit."
I can practically see Gram nodding."Language, young lady.But I admit, it is a step in the right direction.Al said you’ve stayed there all this time because you were afraid that if you quit, we wouldn’t love you anymore because you let us down."
She’s got me there.Gram continues, "Did he tell you that while we’ve been happy you’ve been a part of Cramer-Romero all these years, we always expected you to go off and find your own path?Were we upset with Richie when she wanted to go to PA school?"
"No, but I thought that was just because I was still holding down the fort.Someone had to pick up Mom’s slack.It obviously wasn’t going to be Richie, so it had to be me," I say.
"Or else we wouldn’t love you?"
Okay, maybe that seems a little ridiculous when she puts it like that."I see what you’re saying, but try telling my brain that.It had a rough start in life."I think people, especially older folks, truly underestimate the effects trauma can have on kids and people in general.But especially kids."I think taking a new job is a good start for me."
I want to tell her about Tyler, but then I remember that he shot me down.Maybe I’ll tell her about the next guy I’m interested in.
Who am I kidding?I don’t see myself getting over TJ Doyle any time soon.
"It is a good start," Gram says."I don’t want to rush you or push you, but Renee has been asking to talk to you."
"Yeah, I’m growing as a person and all, but I’m not there yet.I’m not sure I ever will be."Before Gram can say anything else, I add, "And it’s not even about when we were little.It’s about Richie.She didn’t come when she was sick.She should have been here for her daughter."
"She didn’t know how to be there."
"I can’t forgive her for letting Richie down."
"Even though Richie explicitly asked you to?"Gram questions.
She’s got me there.
"Trying to do Richie’s list has brought me nothing but heartbreak.It’s stupid, and I could kill her for leaving it for me."I think about Tyler and how he can’t have feelings for me the way I have for him.Why not?Don’t I deserve to be loved, like everyone else?
Yes, I do.
Yes, I do.
All the lies my brain has told me over the years part like clouds, and the truth shines through.I deserve to be loved.I am worthy of love.Not just because I don’t speak up, or because I do what’s expected of me, but because I am.I exist, and I deserve to be loved.
I’mreadyto be loved.
Chapter 36: TJ
The idea hits me in the shower.I’ve heard that’s where many great ideas strike.I was doing a mental inventory of things I’m good at: playing soccer, doing social media.Then I made a list of everything I’m not good at: everything else.It doesn’t help tremendously with career planning.Normally, I’d think about reading a self-help book about finding fulfillment in life and then berate myself because reading is hard.That seems like a bad cycle to venture into.
Watson Ross suggested I look into audiobooks and podcasts as source material since people with dyslexia often find those easier to glean information from.And then—BOOM—it hits me.
Podcasts.
