Chapter 28: TJ
The lie I told her keeps swishing around my brain.Okay, it wasn’t alieexactly.It was more of an intentional misleading.When she asked if it was always like that, I told her no.I saw it flash across her face that she thought I meant I hadn’t enjoyed myself.
I let her believe that.
I let her believe that every touch of her smooth, soft skin was not going to stay seared on my fingertips forever.That’s my cross to bear.I knew going in she couldn’t give me more.I don’t deserve more.
Yet I couldn’t help but tease her at brunch, and for the few hours afterward when we walked around the Strip, taking in the sights.I couldn’t stop touching her.A brush of the arms here.My hand on the small of her back there.All too soon, I have to report back to meet up with the team, while Ophelia and Rachel are on their own to get to the airport.We’re flying back on different airlines out of different terminals from the girls, which sucks.I would have loved to spend that overnight flight with Rachel leaning against me.Instead, she’s waiting in Terminal One, while I’m a mile away in Terminal Three.
I’m playing with fire, and we all know how that turns out.I’m going to have to be more careful.I just need to put some space between us.The duration of our flights won’t be long enough, but it’ll be a good start.I’m glad Rachel and Ophelia ended up on the same flight.Rachel shouldn’t be alone after last night.
Last night.
It was a mistake.A huge mistake.I’d one hundred percent do it again in an instant.
It would have been better to never know what she tastes like, what she feels like, than to know I can never have her again.Even if she wanted more, which I know she doesn’t, what do I have to offer her?A career that could be over at any moment?No other appreciable skills beyond looking pretty for the camera?I don’t even know how to take care of myself.
Rachel needs—no, deserves—someone who can take care of her, like my dad takes care of my mom, and how my mom takes care of us.
The only thing I could offer her is loyalty, but that seems weak, considering my only source of income would be from taking my clothes off for other women to ogle my body.Somehow, that doesn’t seem so loyal.
So friends it is.It’s going to be hell.It’s going to be torture.It’s going to be my reality.I’m the one stupid enough to catch feelings for her.It won’t be the first time in my life that I have to pay for my stupidity.It won’t be the last either.
See what I mean about Rachel deserving better?
This trip has completely and totally messed with my head.My brain hurts from thinking so hard, trying to find an answer that will be right for everyone.How I’m going to support myself after my soccer career.How I’m going to make my parents proud.How I’m ever going to be enough for Rachel.
Sitting at the gate, waiting for our plane, I stare at the phone in my hand, as if it’ll provide me with some magic answers.ClikClak, with its wealth of knowledge, does not have any solutions.Crew Benequista drops into the chair next to me.
"Waiting blows," he says."I hate this part."
I glance over at him.This is his first away game with the Buzzards."This’s got to be nicer travel than what you had in the reserves."
"Oh, yeah.This is a lot better.But I wish we didn’t have to waste so much time traveling.Like, we’re here in Vegas for four days, but we only got to party one night.This part sucks."
"Yeah, well, you get used to it.The final two rounds of the playoffs are here in Vegas, so if we can get our shit together, maybe you’ll get some of your Vegas partying in then."
"Were the playoffs awesome last year?"
Jesus, he’s like an exuberant puppy dog with boundless energy."How old are you?"
"I’m twenty."
Christ, I knew he was young, but I had no idea how young."You’re not old enough to party.You can’t even go to the casinos.And the playoffs sucked last year because we lost."
In every national championship game, one team goes home a winner, but one goes home a loser.We were on the big L side.
"But you got there, man.We’re gonna avenge it this year.This is our year.I just know it."
Oh, the unbridled optimism of youth."Yeah, well, you’re gonna have to step it up then.Brandon Nix was our leading scorer.You’ve got big cleats to fill.So it’s on you to pick up the slack if you even wanna make it out of the wild-card round."
His eyes narrow as he nods."I know.I’m working on it.I’ve been following some of your training videos to do in my downtime."
My training videos?"Dude, those are thirst traps for the ladies.They’re not meant to guide you."
Crew shrugs."Maybe.Maybe not.I’ve picked up a few different exercises.Or different ways to combine things for a more efficient workout.I like the way you explain what you’re doing.Helps me know what I should be feeling.You ever think of being a personal trainer?"
I have to laugh at that one."Nah, I just know what I’ve been taught over the years.There’s no big secret."
