I’ll be damned if the Black Eyed Peas didn’t pull me out of my brewing panic attack.I can’t believe that worked.I also can’t believe TJ Doyle is that into ClikClak.
He can never ever find my work account.
I’ve already done some mortifying things in front of him, but that would take the cake.I cannot have this man find out what I do for a living.Nearly having a panic attack after having to talk about my family was bad enough.
Rather than spiral back into panic, I force myself to stay in the present."So, is there somewhere we can stop so I can pick up a dessert or a bottle of wine or something?"
"I told you, you don’t need anything.Trust me."
Trust.Easy for him to say and probably do."I’d like to, but if I called my grandmother right now, she’d be mortified by me walking in empty-handed."
"And if you show up and hand Maureen Doyle food, she’ll be offended that you didn’t think she’d have enough to go around."
We are at an impasse.
I feel my heart starting to race a little.I’ve got to let this go."Okay, fine.But I’m going to tell her I wanted to bring something, and that you wouldn’t let me."
"Fine."
"Fine."I cross my arms over my chest in a huff.
The awkward silence returns to the car for a moment.
This is so weird.All because of Richie’s stupid list.I pull it out to study it again.
"What are you reading?"
I answer without looking up."My sister’s list.Trying to figure out if there’s any way I can do at least one more thing."
"What’s on it again?"
I read the list to him, tripping over the one-night-stand part.Real smooth, Rachel.Even if I were propositioning him—which I’m totally not—there’s no way he’d go for it.Not someone like him with someone like me.
He doesn’t seem to notice."This list is easy.You just need a travel agent.You book a trip to Alaska that requires you to have a layover in Vegas.There are slot machines in the airport, so you don’t even have to leave.Then you head to Alaska, where you’ll definitely see moose.You can even go to a firing range while you’re up there.That’s like four things in one weekend trip."
I’m impressed with his plan.I would never do any of it, but it’s a good effort."I don’t think playing slots is the same as going to a casino.Nice try, though."
"Why moose?"he asks.
I know exactly why."One year, Gram and Gramps took Richie and me up to Old Orchard Beach in Maine for a little vacation.It was one of the few we ever went on.We saw so many cars with the bumper sticker that said, ‘I brake for moose.’We thought they’d be all over the place, but we didn’t see any.One of many disappointments in our lives."
"I hear they’re mean and nasty.You probably don’t want to run into one."
I shrug."Maybe, but when you’re nine and eleven, you don’t think about those things."I think about the list."She never got to see one," I say softly.
He’s quiet for a minute."Maybe I’m not the best person to help you plan your list.It never occurred to me that Maine would be a lot easier to get to than Alaska."He shrugs."No one has ever accused me of being the brains of the operation."
"Don’t sell yourself short.I’ve been so paralyzed by everything that I didn’t think of Maine either."
We’ve exited I-95 and are driving down Route 20, through Weston and then Wayland.When TJ begins making turns off the main road, I know we’re getting close.I can do this.I don’t need to panic.Of course, if telling yourself not to panic worked, no one would ever have panic attacks again.It’s about as helpful as telling someone to calm down.
As if TJ can sense my increasing stress level, he says, "Everything will be fine.You don’t have to worry about my family."
I think back to the ice cream shop."Your brothers sat on you."
His mouth pulls back into a tight line."I said you didn’t have anything to worry about.They’ll still pick on me.They always do.Joey’s a comedian.He routinely uses me for material in his stand-up act.You might have seen it on Netflix."
I look down at my hands."I haven’t been much in the mood for things like that lately, but I can check it out.Is it good?"
