“I’m not good at this,” I admit, only it doesn’t feel like a heavy weight has been lifted off me because I know Torrin has already figured this much out. Probably long before I figured it out for myself.
There isn’t a lot I fear, but somehow, I’m terrified to mess things up with Astra. There’s a part of me that doesn’t want to fail when it comes to interacting with her. I can’t say why, and I’m sure I don’t fucking like it, but it’s there all the same.
The only logical explanation would be that I’m…scaredof the idea of her walking away. Which means I have to keep her happy. Have to keep her from wanting to leave. The sight of her running away from me is like a stab in the chest… and I’m not sure if that’s the curse or something deeper.
Could it be that…
I don’t want to be something she could easily walk away from.
I want her to be mine.
I shake my head at the thought, unsure of where it came from.
“I don’t have time for this,” I say, pushing to my feet. When I feel his hand wrap around my wrist, I lower back down into the seat and glare at him.
“She is trapped with you just as much as you are with her,” he reminds me, but I can’t see where he’s going with this. “What if there isn’t a way out of this? What if you’re stuck being around each other for… the rest of your days? Have you thought of that? Because I have, and I worry you might not handle it well. Case in point, tonight.”
“No! I will not let a woman change my path. I will not letherruin everything I’ve built!” I shoot up and start pacing. My eyes catch on the damn curled piece of wallpaper again. I know the signs of someone coming unhinged, so I refuse to go over and pull at it in the state I’m in. Not that pacing like a caged lion is any better. I turn my back to the peeling corner and continue on with my rant. “There is no place for her at my side. If I have to keep her in my life, then fine. If there is no way to break this curse and we have to keep going like this, then she’ll stay, but I won’t have a fucking thing to do with her. Do you hear me?!”
“Loud and clear.” My heart stops at the sound of Astra’s voice. I whip around, hoping I’m imagining that she’s there, but I’ll be damned, she’s standing right there in the doorway with one hand still holding onto the knob of the door. Her knuckles are white, but her face is a blank mask.
My lips part, her name on the tip of my tongue.
“I came down to warn you that the windows are open and your voice carries. You might want to be careful what you say.” Her tone is as cold as the dark look in her eyes.
I’ve hurt her once again, and I don’t think I’ll be coming back from this one.
“G’night, Mr. Falco.” She tips her head slightly in my direction, and it grates on my nerves how she’s dismissing me and acting like one of my hired hands all at once. She turns her attention away from me. “Mr. …” She pauses before saying, “Torrin.”
“Night, Astra,” Torrin says softly.
I’m seconds away from punching him in the face. How is it so easy for him? Why does he get a smile before she turns away and slams the door? Yes, I’m aware the door-slam was for me.
I go over to the closest set of curtains I see, whipping them back like a madman. My hand meets the wood of the frame and I slam it shut like it’s the fucking window’s fault that I’ve fucked up. I can’t stop myself from looking out now that the curtain is pulled back. I stare up across the courtyard, wondering if she’s made it back to her room yet. The lights are on and the windows are open, but I can’t see anything with the curtains drawn, not even as they dance in the light breeze. I keep staring, straining my eyes, hoping that the lace fabric will split enough for me to get a glimpse of her. I don’t stop, not even as I sense Torrin shutting the other open window in the room and crossing back behind me.
“You have to do better,” he tells me in a tone that I rarely hear from him. He sounds as if this situation is exhausting and frustrating him, which causes my brows to pull together as I wait for whatever else he has to say. I’m close to going off on him because he’s not actually the one going through it. He’s not the one living with a fucking curse. “You may not want to see it, but it’s there. She’s something to you, and not just because of this curse. I get why you’re fighting it. You forget that I know you, and I was there when your father was filling your head with bullshit.”
I tense at the mention of my father. If he notices, he doesn’t let it stop him from carrying on. It’s times like these that makeme hate the fact that we’ve known each other since we were teens.
“Maybe he had his reasons, I don’t fuckin’ know.” Torrin blows out a long breath and runs his hand through his hair. “It didn’t work for him, and I’m not sure it’s going to work for you either.”
“What are you talking about?!” I growl.
“I know your father loved your mom. He always said he did what was right to keep you and your mom safe, but I think he was wrong.” He looks up and holds my eyes. “I think if you give it a chance, maybe you’ll see that having someone isn’t so bad.”
“We aren’t in some fucking fairytale. She’s not a damsel in distress, and I’m rushing in to save her on my white horse like I’m some kind of fucking savior knight. She’s a pawn in someone’s game. And I’m either a target or I’ve somehow become collateral damage, but whatever it is, it has an end. The game will be over, one way or another, and our connection will be severed.”
He smirks, walking toward me. His hand lands patronizingly on my shoulder.
“Let me know when you truly start believing that,” he says with a knowing tone that makes my fists clench.
Then he walks out.
And I’m left standing there, staring at that fucking ugly peach piece of curled wallpaper.
SIXTEEN
Donovan
