I ran my hand through my hair as a long sigh escaped me. This shit just kept getting deeper and deeper. Where did it end?
While I didn’t have an answer for that, I did vow that I would see it to the end. I would be there when the last of the organization crumbled. I didn’t think those people deserved to live, and if I had my way, they wouldn’t.
Was it wrong for me to, in a sense, play God?
Probably.
Some would say most definitely.
I believed that some people were so fucked up and they shouldn’t get to go on breathing. The people who ruined other people’s lives without a care. The ones who thrived and relished in the disgusting things they did.
With a heavy sigh, I pushed to stand. I was going to have to face Ford sooner or later, so there was no sense in wasting time. Besides, there was coffee in the kitchen, which I desperately needed.
After making myself decent, I headed downstairs. I shouldn’t have been surprised to see him sitting at the small kitchen table, but I was. He’d already made a pot of coffee, and I mumbled my thanks as I poured a cup.
I spun around, leaning my butt against the counter as I took a tentative sip of coffee. Shit was hot, but I really needed that bitter taste on my tongue to snap me awake.
Seeing him sitting there clashed with the blips of my childhood that Ididn’twant to erase.
Spending summers here had been one of my favorite things, even though I pretended to hate it not long after I hit those moody teen years. Grandpa would take me hunting in the morning, and Grandma would ask me to help her in the garden in the afternoon. Hell, that table Ford was sitting at had many memories attached to it. Sitting with Grandma, a bowl of peas in each of our laps. We would snap those pea pods, releasing the little icky green balls that I knew we’d be eating with dinner, while she told me all about her “shows”. Things I could never follow along with. She talked about those people like they were her friends, which made me laugh.
I blinked out of my thoughts only to find that my eyes were on Ford.
He looked lost in thought. I watched him as he stared blankly at the rim of the coffee mug in front of him, his hand wrapped around it as if he needed something to hold on to, something to ground him. The minutes ticked on in silence, and I started to feel a little strange because I couldn’t seem to tear my gaze away from him. He looked sad. Maybe even a bit broken.
When he inhaled like he was preparing to speak, I found myself alert. My body leaned in his direction, almost as if I was ready to hang on to every word he spoke.
As I realized this, I snapped myself back, forcing every muscle to go on lockdown.
“He has two kids. One of them just had their first kid.” He sighed and shook his head. I knew right away he was talking about Lipton. “His wife sends me cards on my birthday and Christmas.” He let out a humorless laugh. “I mean, it shouldn’t shock me, right? Not with the things I deal with every day on the job. Not with the things I’ve been trained for. But, when it’s people you know, people you’re close to, it hits harder, I guess.”
“I get it,” I said flatly.
I set my cup on the counter so I could hide the shaking in my hands. Was it because that familiar rage was attempting to escape again? Or was it because I was so close to telling Ford the one thing I wish I could erase from my history, from my fucking DNA, just to let him know that he wasn’t alone and Ididtruly understand how he was feeling?
His head lifted and his eyes instantly locked onto mine.
My heart dropped because I could see it clear as day in his expression. I wouldn’t need to confess anything. Wouldn’t need to tell him the ugly truth about who I was.
He already knew.
How long had he known? The whole time we’d been together on the run? Before then? Since the moment Reed recruited me?
He opened his mouth, but I couldn’t bear to hear what he had to say. Those words of either sympathy or guilt or pity, I wanted nothing to do with them.
I had just started to let myself relax a little around the agent, and there was a huge part of me that didn’t want to ruin it.
“Don’t,” I said bitterly. “I can see you already know, so we don’t need to talk about the monster I was bred from. Just know that I understand everything you’re feelin’ right now.”
Rage simmered to the surface as he continued to look like he wanted to say something.
“Off fuckin’ limits,” I growled, my gaze cold as I stared him down. I wasn’t even joking about this.
His mouth snapped shut but he didn’t look away from me. I tried my hardest not to squirm under his microscope gaze. After a long, tortuous moment, he gave me a firm nod, and I let out a long breath I hadn’t realized I’d been holding.
“How’s your leg feeling? Do you need me to look at it?” he asked, making my head snap back in surprise.
“It’s fine,” I said. Confusion filled my tone and the expression on my face. “Why would I need you to look at it? Are you a doctor?”
