Not the version I loved but the one who was always there in plain sight.
Now, I have a choice:
Keep pretending. Keep breaking my own heart. Or walk away… and choose myself.
Tonight, I’m choosing me.
On my drive home from work, I listen to “Messy”by Lola Young on repeat, screaming the lyrics out loud. My thoughts swirl, I’m trying to calm down my inner turmoil.
I’ve made my decision: I’m doing it. I’m leaving him and I’m doing it tonight. I’m not backing out this time, no matter how much he begs.
It’s something I’ve wanted to do for so long. Something I’ve been terrified to do.
But I have to. I need better. Ideservebetter.
As the song ends and I pull into the driveway, I shift the car into park, close my eyes, and whisper to myself,“Camille, you made this decision. You’re going to move on. I don’t care how hard this is. I don’t care how disappointed you are. You’re not going to let this break you. You’re moving on with your life.”
I’ve been telling myself to leave him since we moved here to Coevey Bay, but fear kept me in place.
I started saving money in a hidden account, so I had the financial means to leave. The only thing missing now, is a place to live. I saved enough for a bond for a rental with my friend, Danielle. But finding a place that’s in the right area, within both our budgets, and allows my cat Gizmo to stay… it’s tough. But I can’t wait anymore. A dip into my savings will have to cover a motel until something opens up.
I found out recently that Sean’s been draining money. Gambling, strip clubs, nights out.
He swears he’s never cheated, but at this point, I don’t know what to believe.
He’s away half the time working fly-in-fly-out jobs across Australia, while I stay behind juggling two jobs: one that feeds my soul—hairdressing. And one that I tolerate—serving drinks at The Tipsy Tap, whenever I can squeeze in a shift.
But it’s not just the long-distance that’s killing our relationship. It’shim.
The way he treats me. The way things have slowly rotted from the inside out.
When I first met Sean he was so sweet, we had fun together, he love-bombed me, brought flowers, took me out, made me laugh. We were good.
It didn’t all fall apart overnight. It happened slowly, subtly, like a leak you don’t notice until your whole floor is suddenly flooded.
At first, the distance was manageable. I’d bury myself in work when he was gone, then cut back and soak up our time together when he was home. But now? Now I’m working nonstop just to keep us afloat while he pisses away his paycheck in a week. He accuses me of cheating almost daily. Can’t stand the idea of me having anyone else in my lifebut him.
He spends his time either high on the couch or out drinking with God knows who. Our rent is cheap—thanks to his parents rental we live in—but once I cover his latest debt, I’m left paying for everything else. Groceries. Utilities. Cleaning. All of it. And then, like clockwork, he yells at me when the house istoo messy. Never mind the fact that I just worked a 14-hour shift while he’s been at home all day.
He punches holes in the walls. He says, “at least I never hit you,” like that’s something to be proud of.
Then he tells me how much he loves me and how I am lucky that he does.
That no one else could ever love me.
Then we have sex. No, that’s not fair.Hehas sexwithme. I say yes, because it’s easier than saying no. Because it’s not worth the fight. I lie there and let him do it. Lucky for me, it’s always quick. I don’t even care if I don’t get off anymore, I just want it to be over.
It’s been well over a month since we’ve done that though.
Sean’s going back to work tomorrow for a month’s rotation. So that’s my window. I’ll stay in a motel tonight, then come back and pack once he’s gone. Hopefully, in the time he’s away, a rental will come available.
I can’t wait anymore. Iwon’t.
I pull myself out of my white Mazda 6, my heart hammering, praying he’s not drunk or worse. There’s a packed suitcase in the boot of my car. It’s been there for a week, waiting for the moment I found the courage.
All I need to do is go inside, tell him I’m leaving, grab Gizmo, and go.
I’ll come back for the rest later.
