It sounds cruel, but I don't have the intense fear of losing control with Maverick. I'm not scared of getting hurt by him. He’s so carefree and hard to take seriously, which makes everything just feel easy. I don’t fear him hurting me. I don’t think he’ll ever hold that power. Quite the opposite.I fear me hurting him. I've gotten used to having him around, but the loss of him would never devastate me, only disappoint me.I'm used to disappointment.
Honestly, it's refreshing.He'srefreshing.
He's so different from anything I've ever experienced, yet the feelings he pulls from me are...familiar. I've felt them before, and it caused me to run. I don't feel the need to run from Maverick. With him, I think—Ithink—I’m learning to trust again. Because, he keeps everything at my pace, all the while giving me the energy for more. He’s pure and good, and how can anyone not trust what’s pure and good? That said, if anything, he should run from me. He shouldn’t trust me. Shouldn’t want me.Like I've warned him. But he refuses to listen.
I even find myself looking forward to his little excuses to see me, just to be around him.
His presence is contagious. He's like the glimmer of light on a dark night, a sign of hope—hope that not all is lost for me.
I know I’m capable of emotions, I just hate feeling them. They lead to pain. So the ones I feel for Maverick will always remain guarded.
"Is it serious? Well, you'd have to define serious," I say, genuinely confused, trying to work it out in my brain, as well.
Via huffs. "Well, are you guys dating?"
"No," I answer instantly. "Well, hell. I don't know what we are. We fuck. He insists on hanging out all of the time, and I don't particularly mind being around him."
Via snorts, attempting to bite back her laugh. "Don't particularly mind. You know, you could just admit that you like him, Iz."
"Ha. Me? Admit that sappy shit? It's like you don't know me at all," I say with a chuckle, just as I hear Maverick's truck pull into the drive. I jump from the bed and run to the window just to get a glimpse of him.
"Yeah, it's so obvious. You clearlyhatehim."
"Oh, fuck off!" I laugh, walking back toward her just to smack her with a pillow.
"So, Mav, tell me, what are your intentions with my best friend?" Via asks playfully with a chuckle.
She's been going to therapy and has really come out of her shell lately. She's able to crack jokes and just be her true self. It's a harsh contrast to how reserved she's become over the past few years. I love seeing her like this, likeherself, again. It still may not be consistent, but slowly, she's coming back. I'm so proud of her and how hard she keeps trying to fight through her darkness.
"Yes, Mav. Do tell. We'd love to knowallof your intentions," I chime in with a giggle.
Maverick rolls his eyes, pulls me into him, and holds a hand up as if threatening to tickle me.
He knows I hate that shit. I will kick his ass if he goes through with that threat.
Seeing the fear in my eyes, he backs down with a laugh.
"My intentions are strictly salacious," Maverick teases, flashing me a wink, and Via swats him playfully. His deep chuckle grows louder with her reaction. "In all seriousness, I keep asking her out. She keeps shutting me down. I'm sticking it out, though. She keeps trying to get rid of me; I still don't think she's realized she's stuck with me." He flashes his gaze, staring into me as if piercing through my soul. "I could see myself falling in love with this woman and loving her for all of my lifetime."
My heart sinks.
Did he really just say that?
He could love me one day?
He fucking did.
Via's eyes flash to meet mine, questioning me. She throws me a glare that screams,Don't fuck this up, just as the alarm bells in my mind begin to blare.
Shit. Liking me is one thing. Usgetting seriousis another. But he can’t fall in love with me.
I'm partially inclined to get pissed off out of fear. It’s my automatic response. But he isn't pushing me. He's not asking for me to love him, too. He's just stating where he stands.
I wish I were the type of girl who could hear a good man like Maverick say they're in love with her and feel all the gushy feelings that I'm supposed to. I wish the sound of the word didn't make my entire body cringe. I wish that when I heard it, I hadn't automatically thought ofhim.
I know love. I've allowed myself to feel love before. And then I ran from it out of fear.
Jett.
