June 2017
"You're right. You deserve better. I tried telling you this a million times," I snap back to Jett, swiping the tears away, walking further into my mom's library. I don’t want Kastan to overhear. "Stop making assumptions about what youthinkyou know, and hear my damn words, Jett. We werefuck buddies. You were a way to get off. Nothing less,nothing more. That's it, that's all, and now it's done.WE ARE DONE!"
"You don't fucking mean that shit, and you know it. You're pissed and trying to hurt me," Jett’s voice cracks as he speaks, keeping his tone low and even.
I flinch at the obvious sound of pain I've just inflicted, but I don't back down. "See? That's where you're wrong. I'm not fighting. You have to care to fight, and I don't care. When will you wake up and see that?"
I’m such a fucking liar, but Ihaveto lie. Because Jett’s right. The second my feelings for him started to grow, I knew this was a bad idea. I let it go too far. Now he’s hurt because this isn't whatI want. I don't want to be vulnerable to anyone else. I don't want my happiness to be at another person's mercy. I want complete control of myself, and with Jett, I don't have that. It does scare the ever-loving fuck out of me.
He's so wrong. I don'twantto hurt him. I only need to give him a reason to let me go. I know how stubborn he is—he won't let go unless I force his hand.
So I do.
"Jett, I'm not trying to hurt you. I'm trying to be real with you. I've moved on, and you should, too. It was always just sex. I told you not to fall in love. You can't say you weren't warned."
"You moved on? What the fuck does that mean?" His voice is deep, and the words come out as if forced through a low growl. "Yeah, Iz, you're right. You fucking warned me, and I chose to believe in who you are at your core, rather than what you show people out of fear. Fuck me for being the damn idiot, right?"
"It means exactly like what it sounds like. I’ve moved on. I’m fucking other people," I lie again in a sarcastic tone, playing the true bitch card.
Fuck. The words flow so easily, I almost believe them myself.
I hate that I’m like this. I find something good, something real, and because I'm too chicken-shit to give it a try and see where it goes, I set forth with the intention of wrecking it. This isn't normal. It can't be healthy to be this way.I'll hurt you before you have the power to hurt me?Who fucking thinks like that!?
Fuck my dad, and Mrs. Leah, rest her soul, for showing me, at such a young age, the true risk and ugly side of love, which is betrayal. And fuck Chad for ruining my idea of trust in men.
Jett scoffs before continuing, "Wow. I know you’re just trying to hurt me. But you won't again. I won't be waiting for you to realize how stupid this is, Izzy. Once we hang up, that's fucking it. I'm not chasing you anymore just to be made a fool."
"Great. Goodbye, Jett." With my heart racing at a shattering pace, hands shaking, and tears flowing silently, I hang up the phone, knowing damn well there's no coming back from this.
Letting myself feel the wave of guilt wash over me and the sadness that’s racing through me, I fall to the floor. Kasten's phone slides out of my hand with a thump as it meets the ground.
It's rare that I cry. There isn't much that I care about enough to shed tears over. He, on the other hand, is worth it.
In a perfect world, I would have allowed myself to fall into the overwhelming emotions of happiness that I feel with him. I would have ignored my fears and relinquished control just to be held captive by his fierce and obvious love.
But we don’t live in a perfect world. This isn’t a fairytale.
This is real life. Real feelings. Real fucking pain. Real stupid-ass decisions, too.
I don’t need to allow someone else the power to hurt me when I'm so damn good at doing it myself.
Fucking idiot.
Taking a deep breath, I push to stand, beginning to shut down the emotions, shoving them into a sealed box, and forcing the tears to stop falling. Just as I get to my feet, a hand meets my shoulder in a firm grasp.
I spin around, wiping at my face and looking up to meet the eyes of my big brother.
"Iz, what the fuck was that about?" His face is painted in concern.
"Oh, God, I don't need this from you, too."
"Would you stop being such an asshole and think about what you're doing for a damn second!?" he yells, frustration dripping in every word.
Kas never raises his voice, especially not at me. For being siblings, we have a great relationship. He may be myoverprotective big brother, but he’s also one of my best friends. I feel safe with Kas, knowing I can go to him with anything, and he’ll catch me every time I fall.
The same sense of security I felt with Jett.
Ugh, shut up, brain! You can't go and fuck shit up and then have thoughts like that.
