"Yeah?"
"I can't make any promises."
"Okay."
There's another long pause, and we hear muffled noises as if Izzy has her hand over the receiver. Jett and I can hear them talking but can't determine what they're saying. Then, after about three minutes of waiting and trying to decipher, the line goes quiet.
Radio Silence. I question if they've hung up, but the phone is still connected. It's still wholly silent—until I hear someone let out a breath. I feel like, no, I know. I know it'shers.
"Baby,"
She doesn't speak; she lets out another long audible exhale tangled with a sigh.
I take a breath, knowing that this is my chance to talk to her, and I need to choose my words carefully to make sure I don't screw this up. This takes me a little longer than I'd hoped, so the line is quiet for a second, but like she always has, she waits for me to collect my thoughts before speaking.
I think of everything I want to say and want her to know. I want to plead my case, tell her how incredibly sorry I am that this happened and that I unintentionally caused all of this, and tell her how much I love her. I think about begging her not to give up on me, on us. There's so much going through my mind, and I can't form any of it into words.
"No words that I say will take your pain away, at least not like I want to." I sighed in defeat, "Just know that I love you beyondwords definition, and I'll be here waiting when you're ready to talk."
I hear her crying on the other end as she soaks in my words.
"Don't cry, babe, please. God damn it, I wish I could be there with you. I wish you would let me be here for you."
She sniffles, and the crying stops as the line goes quiet again. I can hear that the receiver is again covered as the voices get muffled.
"Hey, it's Izzy."
"Yeah, Iz, I can hear that. Where'd she go?"
"She heard you. She said she loves you too; I think she needs time, Ander."
"I wish she would tell me that herself. This isn't us. This isn't how we do shit. She can talk to me. Doesn't she know that by now? This is tearing me apart, Izzy. Why won't she talk to me? Does she hate me!?"
I need to hear her voice, see, touch, and hold her. Yet, she won't even allow me to hear her voice, much less anything else. At this point, I'm in my right mind to drive over there and let her be as mad as she wants, but that would be selfish, and it's not about me. I need to respect her, especially right now, but not being there for her through this is killing me.
I can hear Izzy's patience with me wear thin. I fully expect the verbal lashing that she's brewing in that head of hers to spew out any moment now.
Instead, she sighs and says, "Ander, I don't know how to say this, but she doesn't want to hear from you anymore. She asked that you let her go. She wants you to be happy. She said you deserve to find happiness, and that can't be with her. She's going to regret it, Ander. I know she will, but she's falling apart and doesn't want to bring you down with her."
" And, uh, she asked that you—"
"That I what, Izzy, That I fucking what?" I seethe out through the tight pain in my chest and the tears that won't stop flowing. I tried keeping my cool, but all the sadness had officially become a hot rage I could no longer control.
"That you don't come to the funeral. She thinks it's best this way."
Jett squeezes my shoulder again, and I shrug him off, pushing him back down to the bed as I jump to my feet and start pacing the room. I can feel my self-control to hold it together, slipping right along with her.
She's slipping through my fingers.
I know it, and I don't know how to stop it. I hold my tongue back from saying useless things that I don't mean. I want to scream at her for trying to push me away and discard me like this. I'm not letting it happen, but she doesn't need to be pushed anymore right now.
"This is insane," I growl under my breath. "Just. . . Just tell her that I love her and that I'll never stop. Okay, Izzy, remind her never to stop. Please?"
Izzy sniffs on the phone, and she's quick to respond, "Okay, I will. I promise."
She hung up, and just like that, I knew my world would forever be changed. My actions inadvertently caused her to be hurt beyond repair.
I lost her. I fucking lost her, but I can't give up. Not this easily.
