But I don’t want to die.I’mwillingto die, but that doesn’t mean I wish to, and I certainly don’t want to give Monster the privilege of killing me…
I let my eyes flutter shut. Clear the indecision from my mind, and steel myself for what I have to do. Take in three deep breaths, and gulp the tea as swiftly as possible—rip off the metaphorical band aid. When I finish the contents of the mug, I let it fall to the mattress beside me, and only then do I realize I’m crying and hyperventilating—fully panicking. I saw the effects of what the oleander did to Monster. IknowI’m in for pain,so much pain, and it scares me down to my core.
I squeeze my eyes and bring my hands up to shield my face, not wanting Monster to see the full extent of my breakdown, but he doesn’t even offer me that courtesy. He grabs my wrists and lowers my hands, not budging when I flail against his grip.
“Just let me go!” I screech with a burst of energy, offurythat hides my terror. “Go!Leave me here to die in peace!”
“Oh, Flower,” Monster murmurs, his words so quiet over the cacophony of my own panic I can barely hear them. “Why on earth would I kill you?”
I’m in too much of a panic to comprehend his words. I struggle desperately against his grip, waiting for the moment my breath starts to shorten and my muscles begin to spasm… but it doesn’t come.
Nothing changes, which only sends me deeper into my spiral of panic and confusion. Did he give me something that has a delayed-onset?
“Scarlett—Scarlett.” He repeats my name forcefully enough to cut through the fog shrouding my mind and offer me a meager light atthe end of the tunnel of chaos encompassing me. No, not a light—an eternal darkness, which he’s the physical embodiment of. Danger, anger, rage, instability… there’s a reason I call him Monster. He’s earned his name.
Monster cups my chin and forces me to meet his gaze through swollen, puffy eyes. Something in his stare catches and captures my own, holding me captive to the force of his gaze. His eyes are so grey… it could be easy to get lost in them, to give myself over to them, if only I didn’t know what a horrible person this man is.
“I willneverkill you,” he says harshly. “I’ve told you that countless times, but you seem to have forgotten. I’ll be glad to remind you whenever necessary. And, you’ll do well to remember my vow to never hurt you.”
“You’ve broken that vow so many times.” My words are a horrified whisper, and my defenses are gone. “You tore through my virginity. You held me down. You did things to me…” I shudder at the memories. “Every time I think of you, you hurt me. No matter how hard, howdesperatelyI try to forget you, I can’t. I can’t forget the torture. I can’t forget…” I break off with a sob. “The cell.”
“I can’t change the fact that I imprinted myself in your mind, your memories, your every single move.” Monster doesn’t sound even a bit apologetic; instead, he sounds fuckingsatisfied.“I can change thesortof memories that haunt you, and I will.” He leans forward; I shrink back. He tightens his grip on my chin, giving me a warning glare, and presses his lips to my forehead. A shudder rolls through me. I’m not sure if it comes from disgust or something else, from a reluctant sense ofcomfort.
“Please let me go,” I whisper, the words shaky. “I can’t… I can’t be what you want—what you need.”
“My precious, beautiful little Flower… you already are.”
Something inside me shifts at that, some tumultuous piece of my soul warmed by his words. I’ve always been susceptible to praise, and the fact that the praise comes from the monster who nearly killed me more times than I can count changes nothing.
“You aren’t whatIwant,” I cry. “Being here is going to kill pieces of me, and my changes will ensure I’ll no longer be what you want.”
“Do you know what you want?” Monster pulls back, studying me with intuitive eyes.
“Of course I do,” I say, though even I can hear the confusion in the words.
Idon’tknow what I want, because I had a difficult time envisioning the course of my lifebeforeMonster ruined it. Afterward… well, afterward, I’ve desperately tried to heal the wounds he inflicted. I haven’t been planning for the future so much as surviving the present, one day at a time. Sometimes, one minute at a time.
“If you’re so sure, what is it that you want in this life, Scarlett?”
I pause for a long, long time. Finally, I whisper, “Nothing.” Because thereisnothing for me in this world. Nothing more than pain and suffering. Maybe there never has been.
“Nothing?” Monster echoes. “You don’t want a family?”
I swallow, brows furrowing. There’s always been a maternal yearning somewhere inside me… but I couldn’t see myself raising a family without having a good husband, and I can’t have a husband. Not after my life.
“Maybe I had fantasies once. Not anymore.”
Monster strokes my bottom lip, gazing into my eyes. His gentle touch is at complete odds with what he’s just done to me, and the sharp contrast between his cruel actions and his soft words and comforting touches throws me off-kilter. Leaves me scrambling for balance yet endlessly unable to find it.
“You think that being with me cuts you off from the possibility of a life and a family,” Monster says slowly. “You’re wrong. I could be the conduit to your happiness, Scarlett, if only you’d open for me.”
“How can you say that?” My words are shaky. “This is the second time you’ve put me in a cell.”
“This room isn’t a cell—”
“It’s my new reality,” I finish for him morosely. “I get it.”
“You don’t.” Monster shakes his head. “You understand that you have to be punished, don’t you? There have to be consequences for your actions.”
