“That’s not what I meant.” His massive frame seemed to draw in on itself slightly, shoulders tensing. “You don’t understand.”
“Then explain it to me.” I stepped closer. “Because from where I’m standing, it seems pretty clear you don’t want me the way the others do.”
He ran a hand down his face, looking utterly defeated. “Neve, I can’t fly.”
Chapter 25
Icicle Tits
Rudy’s confession hung in the frozen air between us, so simple yet so clearly devastating to him.
“You can’t fly?” I repeated his words, trying to process their significance.
His massive frame seemed to shrink, shoulders curving inward as he looked away, his jaw clenched. “I can transform, I can run, I can lead the herd, but I can’t leave the ground.”
The pieces clicked together—his isolation, his distance, his reluctance to help me. It wasn’t disdain. It was shame.
“That’s why you come to this hill.” I glanced at the edge of the hill where the nibbleknot had jumped from, seeing it differently now. This wasn’t a place for him to isolate, but a futile reach toward the sky.
Rudy’s eyes met mine, unguarded for once. “What kind of alpha can’t do the one thing his herd is born to do? What kind of protector can’t follow where the others go?”
The wind whipped around us, but the snow no longer swirled chaotically. Instead, it drifted in slow spirals, mirroring the shift in my emotions from rage to something more complicated.
“When you said, ‘What’s the point?’ what did you mean exactly?”
“What’s the point of getting close to you?” His voice crackedslightly. “What’s the point of teaching you about your magic when I can’t even fulfill my own purpose? The others can give you joy, carry you through the skies, and be what you need.”
I took a step toward him, clutching Barbara’s blanket around my shoulders. “Did it ever occur to you I don’t need nine perfect reindeer? I need people who will stand beside me, flaws and all.”
The faintest hint of hope flickered across his face before disappearing beneath his mask of indifference. “You don’t understand what it means to be broken in our world. I’m…”
“You’re what? Defective? Unworthy?” I moved closer until I stood directly in front of him, close enough to feel the unnatural heat radiating from his body. “Do you think I don’t know what that feels like? I lost twelve years of my life and my identity. I’ve spent my entire adult existence feeling like something was missing without knowing what it was.”
Something shifted in his expression, a small crack in the armor he wore so rigidly. “When my magic manifested, everyone expected greatness. I was the biggest, the strongest. The natural leader. And then...” His voice trailed off, gaze drifting toward the star-filled sky. “Everyone waited for me to soar, and I couldn’t.”
Without thinking, I reached out and touched his arm. His skin was warm beneath my fingertips, a stark contrast to the frigid air. “Flying isn’t what makes you special.”
The tension in his muscles eased slightly under my touch. “In a herd of flying reindeer?”
“In a world where everyone expects you to be one thing, your strength is in being something unexpected.” I moved my hand to his chest, feeling his heart pound beneath my palm. “The others follow you because of who you are, not what you can do.”
Rudy’s hand came up, hesitantly covering mine. “You make it sound so simple.”
“It’s not. But nothing worth having ever is.” A small smile tugged at my lips since I was learning that myself.
We stood there with his large hand covering mine, thewarmth of his touch spreading up my arm. The emotional honesty had cracked something open between us, but the intimate moment was quickly undermined by my body’s less poetic reaction to being outside in wet pajamas.
“Well, this heart-to-heart has been lovely,” I managed through chattering teeth, “but I think my tits are literally turning into icicles right now.” The blanket did nothing to keep out the chill.
“You’re soaked.” He stepped back, his brows drawing together as he assessed my shivering form.
Before I could suggest we head back to the cabin, Rudy’s frame shimmered, his outline blurring as he transformed into a reindeer. He lowered himself to the ground with a graceful dip of his knees, turning his massive head to look at me expectantly.
“What? You want me to?—”
“Get on.”
I blinked, my mind reeling from the telepathic intrusion. “Okay, talking reindeer is still weird, no matter how many times it happens.”
