“You’re almost tenured.”
“I know.”
“Did something happen with Liam? Or Christopher?”
“No.”
“Oh.” He pauses, and I can almost hear the realization dawning on him. “You told her.”
The pang in my chest tightens again.Her.He doesn’t even have to say her name for all the feelings to rush over me—disappointment, embarrassment, frustration, anger, but underlying all of it—love. “Yeah.”
“I’d ask what happened, but I guess that’s obvious.” He pauses again. “All right, man. Call me any time, and let me know if you’re ever back in town visiting.”
“Will do.”
We hang up, and I let my arm dangle off the side of the bed, dropping the phone on the floor. I wonder how tonight’s graduation will go. Will Claire wonder where I am? Probably not. I told her our friendship was over. The sooner she learns that, the better.
CHAPTER 38
Claire
On Thursday afternoon,I dress in my cap and gown for the graduation ceremony. All teachers are required to wear theirs, along with the hood that matches the college they got their master’s from. Mine is blue and gold, the colors of Cal State Fullerton.
I look at myself in the mirror, hating my reflection. But what does it matter? All the students and faculty will be wearing the same horrible outfit.
Being totally honest, I hate graduation ceremonies. I didn’t even walk in my own ceremony when I got my master’s in math, because I think they’re a total snooze-fest. So this is probably my least favorite night of the year. The last two years, I relied on Ryan’s entertainment to keep me from going nuts. He had a bingo card with all the cliché phrases said during the speeches, and Chase sat with us, too. Some parts of the ceremony are entertaining—they have students sing and play music, and some of the speeches can be really touching—but otherwise, it’s pretty boring. Especially the part when they call out all the names and hand out the diplomas.
I feel an extra bit of nerves, wondering how Ryan and I will interact. He said he can’t be my friend anymore, but that doesn’t mean he won’t be friendly, right? We can still be cordial with each other. Just…not as close.
I grab my cap and tassel and leave my bedroom, seeing Annie out of the corner of my eye on the couch in the living room.
Oh, Annie.
Ever since Saturday night, we’ve done this extra-awkward dance around each other, avoiding interactions. I give her a half-hearted wave, grab my keys, and leave.
As I drive, I realize, once again, how much longer the drive to work is from my new apartment. Well, it’s notthatlong. I should be grateful that I work so close to my parents’ house and I still only have about a twenty-minute commute to work. But compared to my old place, it’s just…annoying.
A lot of things have been annoying me lately.
Last weekend, my family got together with Zach’s family—no Annie, since my parents still don’t know she’s here—to put together our wedding favors. Zach talked about his trip with Tyson, loudly bragging about spending the weekend by the pool. I could hardly hide my irritation at the contrast, when I’ve been hard at work this whole time. Where did the money even come from for him to go on vacation? And shouldn’t I know the answer to that question since we’re about to get married?
Then, as we were compiling the personalized candles for each guest, my mom kept insisting I stick the labels on a certain way and told me I was doing it wrong. At a certain point, I just stood and left the room without a word. I couldn’t handle it anymore.
That’s when I realized something awful.
I didn’t miss Zach while he was on vacation.
Instead, I felt that same relief—the one I felt when I thought about breaking off the engagement.
But I do miss someone else. There is a giant Ryan-shaped void in the middle of my life.
And maybe that’s a problem.
Maybe it’s just Ryan and Annie getting in my head, both of them questioning my decisions and whether they’re really mine at all. Part of me feels like…
They might be right.
But it’s too late now. I can’t back out of the wedding, not when we’ve already sent out invitations, booked the venue and the vendors, and…no. It’s too late.
