“Are you sure?” I ask him. “Maybe you just have a crush. And?—”
His grip tightens on my waist as he shakes his head, sending a shiver down my spine. “This isn’t a crush. It’s not infatuation. It’s not like. It’s not even just a little more than like. This islove. It’s all-consuming, keep you up at night, think about you all day love.”
My throat tightens. The passion and heat in his gaze, backed by his words, fill me with certainty. This is my best friend. I know him, and what he’s saying is true.
I try to take inventory of my feelings. What do I feel for him?
My eyes drift down to my hands, and my ring shines despite the low lights.
My ring.
My big, stupid, fake engagement ring. The reminder that I’m supposed to get married to Zach. Thatheis the one I’m promised to be with, not Ryan. No matter what Ryan feels for me. He knows this. Ryanknowsabout my engagement, but he’s still pushing me. How could he put me in this position, when he knows what’s at stake?
I look back up at Ryan, anger brimming under the surface. “What are you expecting to happen?” I ask him. “That I’d break up with Zach and be with you instead?”
He lets go of my waist and takes a step back. “I… I don’t know. I just needed to tell you.”
My hands ball into fists. “That’s so unfair. How could you do that to me?”
“I’m not trying to hurt you. I just can’t keep it inside anymore.”
“Well, I won’t break it off.” My voice sounds firmer than I feel. “I’m marrying Zach.”
“Why?” His voice raises, and he runs a hand through his hair. His eyes are wide, like he’s surprised by my response. “There’s no way you think that’s the right call here.”
“How can you say that?” I ask, raising my voice in return. “Zach and I have been together for years. I can’t just throw that away.”
“Yeah, butwhyhave you been together for years? Because you haven’t taken a moment to think about what you’re doing. You’ve just been floating along, doing what everyone else wants you to do without thinking about whatyouwant.” He takes my hands in his. I can feel his desperation seeping through his grasp, his energy racing from my fingers deep into my core. “You know what else you told me when you were sick?”
Oh, no.
I feel my anger turning into something less fiery, making me feel sick to my stomach.
“You said you were thinking about breaking up with Zach after the engagement party. You said the idea of breaking the engagement made you feel relieved. Somewhere, deep inside, you know it isn’t right to be with him. I know it, and I think you do, too.”
I’m silent, because he’s not wrong. Stupid NyQuil. And the last of my righteous indignation fades away.
Ryan grips my hands a little tighter, as if I’ll disappear if he doesn’t hold on tight enough. “If you tell me you love him, that you truly believe a life with him will be better than a life with me, I’ll drop this. I’ll walk out of your life, and I’ll never bring it up again.”
I bite my lip. “Why can’t we stay friends?” My voice quavers, and I realize I’m on the verge of tears.
He shakes his head. “I can’t do this anymore. I can’t just be your friend. I want to be more than that. I want to be everything to you.” His eyes brim with unshed tears. “I want to be the one who brings you coffee in bed every morning. I want to be there to take care of you when you’re sick, and not because I found out that you didn’t come to work, but because I’m right there with you when you start to feel a sore throat.” He huffs a laugh despite the tears shining in his eyes. “I want to make pretty babies with you, and be the father of your children. I want to share every minute with you, not just the moments I get with you at work, but every drive home, every dinner, every night, and every morning.” He squeezes my hands even tighter. “I wantyou, Claire, and I don’t want to share you with anyone else. If I have to watch you go home to someone else every night…” His jaw clenches and he swallows. “I can’t do that. Not anymore.”
My tears are falling freely now. “How can you ask me to choose?” I finally whisper. “You’re holding our friendship hostage?”
“I can’t just be your friend,” he says. “And if you’re going to choose a future with Zach, then you need to know that it won’t include me.”
I swallow hard, looking up at his face. His dumb, handsome, earnest face that’s desperately trying to convince me to be with him.
If I had met Ryan when I was single and there was no Zach, there’s no question in my mind that we would have been together. Especially not after this passionate speech.
But that’s not the reality I live in now. My life is with Zach. Just the thought of breaking off the engagement when we’ve made all the plans, and my mom and Julie and our dads are so happy… I can’t do this to them. I can’t break Zach’s heart. I can’t bethat girlwho calls off the wedding.
I press my lips together and shake my head slightly. “I… I don’t…”
Ryan knows my answer before I even finish my sentence. Is it a testament to the fact that he knows me better than anyone? But his hold on my hands loosens, and he takes a step away from me and nods. “Okay.” I see his hand casually wipe under his eye, and he looks away for a moment. When his gaze meets mine, it’s resigned. “Goodbye, Claire.”
There’s nothing I can say. I just watch him leave, his footsteps echoing on the sidewalk. They fade to nothing and leave just the sound of my pounding heart. And once he’s gone, I sob.
