She sighs. “If this were what you truly wanted, of course I’d be excited.” She pauses. “But I know this isn’t what you want.”
“Why do you say that?”
“Ryan.” I can imagine her tilting her head at me, giving me her no-nonsensestop messing aroundglare. “What you want is Claire.”
I’m momentarily shocked into silence. My feelings for Claire have never been an explicit topic of conversation, and I wanted to keep it that way. “That’s not it, Mom.”
“That’s exactly it.” She chuckles. “Come on, you think your mom couldn’t tell that you’re desperately in love with her?”
“I… I didn’t…”
“It’s okay, hon. You didn’t have to say anything for me to know.”
A weight settles on my chest. “I didn’t want you to be disappointed in me.”
“Disappointed?” She sounds genuinely shocked. “Why would I be disappointed?”
“Because I’d be just like Dad.”
“Oh, Ryan.” Her voice is soft. “You’ll never be like him.”
“But I’m in love with someone who’s engaged.” My voice cracks on the wordlove, and I clear my throat. “I would never want to encourage someone to cheat.”
“That’s not what you’re doing. There are two different things going on here. First, she’s not married. Your dad was married. He made a vow to me, and to you, and he broke that vow. And second, you’re not asking her to cheat with you, right? You’re asking her tochooseyou. There’s a big difference.”
I run a hand through my hair. “I haven’t asked her anything.”
“Does she know how you feel?”
“I… Maybe? I can’t be sure.”
Mom pauses a moment. “I love you, Ryan. You’re the best thing that ever happened to me. And I’d absolutely love for you to live here with me. But you can’t give up until you’ve said your piece. Tell her how you feel and give her the opportunity to make a choice. Once you’ve laid it all out, feel free to escape and run away from your problems. But don’t disappear and wonder if your life could’ve been different if you were just brave enough to tell her the truth.”
The weight on my chest lifts off. “You really mean that?”
“Yes!” She laughs out loud. “Don’t let your fear of becoming your father hold you back from being the man you are.”
“Thanks, Mom. Okay. I’ll think about it.”
We hang up, and I fall onto my bed, thinking about her words. At this point, what do I have to lose other than my pride? If I tell Claire how I feel and she’s been hiding the same feelings, we can have our happily ever after and ride off into the sunset. And if she rejects me, I already have a plan to exit gracefully. Well, maybe not so gracefully. I’ll basically have my tail between my legs. But it’s an exit plan, nonetheless.
I need to give a relationship with Claire one last shot. One final attempt to tell her exactly how I feel, to lay it all on the line. If I don’t do it, I’ll probably regret it forever. I don’t want to be in Maui, wondering “what if.”
What if I had just told Claire how I feel?
What if she got married because she thought I didn’t care?
What if I ruined my chance at happiness with her forever?
I don’t know when or how, but I need to make a final stand.
CHAPTER 33
Claire
On the Fridaynight of finals week, I’m sitting in my living room grading exams with a cup of tea. I shake my head as I read over a student’s profit analysis for their business calculus final, trying to decide how much partial credit to give.
“Brownies are ready!” Annie comes into the living room, holding a tray in front of her. She arrived this past Wednesday and has been staying in the office—Zach’s office. But yesterday I was giving my finals, and today she was visiting the fabric company in Los Angeles all day, so tonight is our first chance to sit and catch up.
