No, no, no.
I cannot be having thoughts like this about Ryan.
Can I?
I lie on my back, staring up at the ceiling. Something in my gut tells me I’ve known this all along, that I’ve had a little crush on him this whole time. But I’ve squashed my feelings, buried them way, way down, knowing that nothing could ever happen with him. That I’m going to be with Zach, and that’s that.
But my subconscious came out swinging last night. All his caretaking must have thrown me off.
My heart starts racing, and I panic a little. Am I inlovewith Ryan? No. Right? There’s no way I could be in love with him while I’m engaged to someone else. That would make me a despicable human being. It’s just a little sort-of crush. Like the students in his class, the women who daydream about him but go off to their real-life boyfriends and don’t give him a second thought.
Except I AM giving Ryan a second thought. More than a second thought. A whole dream…a future.
I stumble out of bed, feeling super hungry, which I think is a good sign. I hear clanging in the kitchen, so I head in that direction. I need to sort out my feelings about Ryan.
When I get to the kitchen, the sight of Ryan cooking at the stove stops me in my tracks. It’s like my dream has come to life. My stomach flutters. That shouldn’t be happening when I’m engaged to someone else.
“Claire Bear!”
Ryan and I turn our heads to the living room, where Zach sits on the couch.
Zach is here, too.
Zach stands and rushes me, giving me a huge hug that makes me stumble. “I was so worried about you.”
“I’m doing okay,” I say into his jacket, the words coming out muffled.
He pulls back and holds me by the shoulders. “You look pretty terrible.”
I press my lips together in a semblance of a sarcastic grin. “Yeah, well, I felt like I was dying.” I look over at Ryan, who’s watching this interaction without an expression on his face. “Thanks to Ryan, I’m doing a little better.”
Ryan holds my gaze. “It was my pleasure.”
“Well, I can take over from here,” Zach says.
Ryan waves the spatula in our direction and turns back to the stove. “Just finishing up some breakfast for you, and then I’ll head out.”
My heart sinks as he says that. I don’t want him to leave. And it’s not just because he’s been such a good caretaker. It’s because I wanthim.
“Come sit,” Zach says, pulling out a chair at the table for me. I hobble over and take a seat. I’m still so exhausted, I just want to get back in bed. But I don’t want to miss the last few minutes of Ryan being here.
Zach talks about his weekend with Tyson, how they had such a great time in Palm Desert, and my head spins. I want to fold my arms on the table and put my head down, but that seems a little overdramatic.
Ryan turns around from the stove a minute later, and I look up at him. He rushes over and holds out his hand to me. “You need to get back in bed.”
I put my hand in his and let him pull me up gently, but Zach rushes over to my side and slings his arm around my waist, holding me roughly. “I got you, Claire.”
There’s a momentary standoff between the two of them, where my hand is still in Ryan’s grasp but my body is next to Zach’s. But Ryan knows his place, and he drops my hand and nods. He wipes his hands on the towel hanging from the dishwasher. “There’s food in the fridge. I made soup and salad—watch out, it’s got a lot of garlic—and there’s a bunch of fruit and electrolyte drinks, too.” He looks at me, then at Zach, then back at me. “I’ll see you later, Claire. Let me know if you need anything.”
He raises a hand as a wave and heads out the front door. His eyes linger on me for half a second, and then he’s gone. An ache fills my chest at his absence.
“Come on, let’s get you to bed,” Zach says. “I got you now.”
Great.
CHAPTER 29
Claire
