“Sometimes…” She pauses, as if calculating her words. “Sometimes I wonder why I’m still with him.”
Oh.
Oh.
She looks over at me, meaning laced in her expression. Is she waiting for me? Does she want me to tell her she shouldn’t be with him? That everything about their relationship is surface-level, but what we could have would be deep and meaningful? That I’d NEVER abandon her to move on her own—scratch that. I’d never abandon her, period?
The words are right there on the tip of my tongue—the words I’ve imagined saying to her for years now.Pick me. You and I are meant to be together.
But Chase told me to play it cool. I don’t want to seem desperate, and I don’t want to put pressure on her to choose me. So I can’t say those words, even if it feels like Clairewantsme to say them to her.
Besides, it feels like too much. I don’t want toconvinceClaire to be with me. She needs to see her own worth. It’s not that she should go from one bad option to a better option. She needs to choose herself. And if she’s just waiting for me to make that decision for her, then I don’t know if she understands the depth of this issue at all.
So instead, I straighten and tap the railing of the balcony. “Let’s go inside,” I say, and her expression falls. She looks like she’s about to say something, then changes her mind and nods, walking inside.
I’ve disappointed her. But even though I want to fight for her and show her what she’s missing out on, I’m not going to put myself out there right here, right now.
She needs to figure this out for herself.
CHAPTER 26
Claire
I’m surrounded by chaos.
I’m not at my apartment—although that’s another type of chaos right now. I’m currently in Shawna’s living room, sitting across from her on the couch while she nurses her newborn, and her three-year-old, Caleb, bounces on the cushion next to me. The ground is littered with robot toys, superhero action figures, markers, and so many pieces of paper. There’s some kind of cardboard box creation in the corner, along with a stack of board games, and I’m pretty sure I’m sitting on some leftover cracker crumbs.
Considering that Shawna has four kids, one of whom is only a couple of weeks old, I don’t really mind.
“Do you want to play Transformers?” Caleb asks. He launches himself off the couch and starts moving robotically, making mechanical sounds. Then he sneezes, and I’m pretty sure I get a few droplets on my face.
Shawna speaks up before I can answer. “Caleb, please cover your face when you sneeze. And I don’t think Claire wants to play transformers right now. Why don’t you color a picture?”
“Can you print one out for me?” He hops over to her, and Shawna protects the baby’s head from his wild movements. She pulls out her phone and starts searching for a coloring page.
It takes about five minutes for him to settle on an image. I didn’t realize three-year-olds were so picky. Finally, she sends the picture to the printer, and Caleb zooms over to another room to grab it.
Shawna gives me a tired smile. “A few minutes of peace.” Her husband took the older two kids to gymnastics and ballet (which are not at the same location, I just found out), and Shawna looks exhausted but so happy.
Grace’s assumption that I’m the next to have a baby hits me. Is this what my future will be like? I don’t think I’d let my house get so messy, but who knows. I look around the house, trying to imagine this asmylife. Me on the couch with a baby, and Zach…doing what exactly? I’m not sure. Maybe starting up some kind of baby bottle MLM. He’s not a great caretaker. Would he help me out at all, or would I just be relying on my mom?
The baby makes some grunting noises. Shawna sits her up and starts rubbing her back.
“How’s Nora doing?” I ask. “She’s so tiny.”
Shawna smiles down at her baby. “She looks that way, right? But she’s my biggest newborn. Eight pounds, fourteen ounces.”
I don’t know how much bigger she is than a typical baby, but she still looks fragile to me. I wouldn’t dare say this out loud, but she’s kind of funny-looking. But still squeezable.
“She’s so sweet,” Shawna continues. “She’s the perfect little bookend to our family.” Nora lets out a loud burp, and we both laugh. She lays Nora back down in her arms, and the newborn slowly closes her eyes and relaxes into a deep sleep.
Shawna rests her head back on the couch. “How’s work?”
“Good. Ryan and I are working on a new algebra tutoring center.”
“Oh, that will be great for our incoming students.” She pauses a moment. “How’s Ryan?”
“He’s…good.” The last time I saw Shawna, I expelled a lot of word vomit about my engagement to Zach. The last thing I want to do right now is give her the wrong impression about my relationship with Ryan.
