I took a deep breath and opened my eyes.
“It looks splendid on you.”Alaina stood before me and began fastening the clasps up the front.“How does it feel?”
I swallowed around a lump and could not find my voice.
“Does it feel all right?”she asked again when she finished.
I nodded, unable to respond with anything more coherent.
“It suits you.”She took several steps back to study her handiwork.“Truly.You look so handsome.”
Unshed tears burned the corners of my eyes, and I could not tell her why.I could not tell her that I once wore elegant clothing.I could not tell her that I had once worn it beautifully and without pretense.I could not tell her that I had never worn feathers before under such fine clothes.I could not tell her that I never again expected to be called handsome, even in clothes that were objectively so.
I would not cry in front of her.I would not.
“What’s wrong, Kaylay?”
I took a measured breath to hold back the tears just a few moments longer since I had no valid excuse, to her anyway, for weeping.
“I told you not to make a man of me,” I choked out.
She flinched.
“What’s next?”I asked insensitively.“Will you glove my hands to hide them?Or will you pluck the feathers from my face?”
“I just wanted to give you something pretty.That's all.”
The slight tremor in her voice betrayed deep hurt.She turned away from me to hide her own tears.Despite the bitterness I had summoned to keep mine in check and the conviction that, after everything, I had no more to shed, I silently joined her.I had forgotten how to be gracious, and I had wounded her in the process of maintaining the most tenuous hold on my dignity.
“I’m sorry, Alaina,” I whispered.“You didn’t deserve that.”
“The tsarina treats you shamefully.Of course, that’s what you would think.”She turned to face me, doing as poor a job wiping at her tears as I was doing to my own.“Truly, I didn’t mean—”
“I know,” I assured her.“I know.”
I held my arms out for her, an offer that the beautiful, shining sleeves made acceptable.I could never have done it with feathered arms.
She walked into them, wrapped her arms around me, and buried her face against my chest.I enfolded her in my arms too, and we stood there for moments that passed like hours, bodies pressed against each other for warmth, for affection, for reassurance.We were all each other had, and I refused to let any sad semblance of pride separate us.
“You went through all that trouble for me.You thought of every practical detail to make it suitable for my strange form.And I behaved with such ingratitude.Forgive me?Please?”
“Of course, I forgive you.”She released me and stepped back, running her hands down my arms to take my hands.“I didn’t think how you might perceive it.”
“I was being needlessly defensive.”Mostly as a cover for other vulnerabilities I couldn’t own, but that was no excuse.“This took great thought and consideration.I am ill-suited for such things, but thank you.”
“You are not ill-suited.”She squeezed my hands.“Would you come and see?”
I didn’t want to.I had done it before, and the image seared itself into my memory.I had avoided mirrors since, not needing the reminder of the nightmare I had become.
But Alaina held my hands.She stared up into my face and smiled.I wore something beautiful and elegant because of her, given a measure of dignity by it that no other had afforded.She even called me handsome.And if she had asked me to do anything right now, I did not think I could say no.
I followed her through her bedroom and into her dressing room, where she too had her golden-framed pier mirror.I stood stark against the sea of glimmering satins and pastel accessories, but part of it now by virtue of the blue brocade.Beyond the mirror being on a different wall, the circumstances aligned so closely as with the tsarina that I almost had to retreat.But I didn’t.Beyond her requests of the firebird — to go home, to not be alone — she had never asked anything of me.And I had never been able to give her anything beyond my pathetic excuse for company.I could give her this.
Alaina never dropped my hand, even when I stumbled, the bells on the anklets marking every step.Instead, she clasped my hand with both of hers and stood beside me while the creature stared back at us from the glass.
And it wasn’t hideous.Strange, yes.Unnatural, yes.But the black feathers shone blue-green in the muted light against the brocade, and the deep sable intensified the green of my eyes.
I raised my clawed hand to my chest and stroked down the blue brocade, every gold braid fastening a prominent bump along the way.
