“Yes.”
She scrambled to prop herself up on her elbow.She stared down at me.“How?”
“The tsarina has a private garden for her devotions.I used it.”
I used the tsarina too, but that would be something I wouldn’t tell Alaina either.After so long being the tsarina’s unwilling lover, confessing to a willing, if exploitative, encounter might truly crystallize the impression of inconstancy.
“And you met a Kind and Fair Protector?”
“One came to hear my plea.”Her next barrage of questions dangled in the air between us, most of which I did not want to answer.I cut her off.“I told you I was going to ask The Kind and Fair for help.He could not offer much.”
Alaina did not settle for that.“How did you do it?How do you know he was a Kind and Fair?What did he look like?What did you ask specifically?Tell me everything!”
Not being able to tell her of the events that led up to it, the subject of my humanity, or the result of my concern for her well-being, I related a highly edited version that reduced the encounter to a pointless if awed meeting.Alaina harrumphed at the conclusion of my vague debriefing.
“I understand it is unsatisfying,” I assured her lest she think I could not appreciate how underwhelming my story appeared.“I too am left grappling with the impression of great import tempered by the reality of material inconsequence.And you see too the reason for my distraction and vague annoyance at the world.”
“He could offer nothing?”Alaina flopped back onto the bed.“A Kind and Fair who could not help?What a useless being!No wonder people are converting to worshiping the Great Holy by the droves.”
“I think he means to help,” I corrected her, unwilling to let her think ill of The Kind and Fair who, for reasons beyond me, genuinely seemed to care about my plight.“I do not think he yet knows how.But,” I added, an item of hope coming to mind, “he did not seem impressed with the tsarina.”
“What do you mean?”
“He answered my call as if accustomed to responding to trivial summons.”Recalling it yet again solidified an idea that I had to verbalize.“The tsarina is the steward of an earthly domain, but I suspect she treats him as she treats us all, as a servant to her whims.”
If the tsarina had fallen out of favor with The Kind and Fair, what did that mean for us?Did it mean that her reign would be cut short?Could we wait that long?If so, what if she were replaced with someone worse?
Alaina cuddled closer to me, fitting herself under my arm and resting her head on my shoulder.Her fingers played at the edge of my throat where feather met scaled skin.Fingertips brushed under the collar.She moved her hand up to the far side of my face and gently smoothed the feathers down along my jaw and cheek.
I closed my eyes and settled into the mattress.I softened my shoulders and relaxed my hands.Her hands did not threaten me.Her touch did not possess me.Her teasing did not torment me.I allowed myself to enjoy the attention.Would that we could enjoy such simple intimacy all the rest of our days without a threat over us!
I longed to turn my face and kiss her fingertips.I wanted to kiss her, her forehead, her brows.I wanted to tell her why her kindness and care meant so much.I wanted to confess my love for her even if, despite her own confession of physical wanting, she could never feel the same way.And I wouldn’t get the chance.
I didn’t mind dying.I had faced death so many times by now that it served more as a faithful companion than a threatening stranger.And despite not wanting her to know that I was Mikhail the Disgraced Prince while I lived, I dearly wanted her to know the truth about me after my death so that at least one person might not look back on my memory with shame.And my friends among the jesters too, who embraced me all the more when I could do nothing for them.I wanted them all to know that they were loved and cherished by me until my final moments.Dying was just an event that had been put off for too long.
I minded all the lies I had to tell though to stay safe.I despised all the vague misdirections I needed to provide to avert suspicions.I loathed all the omissions I needed to make to keep those around me from coming to harm.And it looked like I was going to have to keep doing all of it until I did, at last, die.
Maybe Alaina would never know the truth.
“We may not have to wait for The Kind and Fair to take pity on us,” Alaina whispered.
That pulled me from contemplating my bleak short future.“What do you mean?”
“I didn’t know if I should tell you,” she said.Alaina’s hand slipped from my face and down over my chest.She plucked at feathers on my far shoulder instead.“Indeed, I have become conflicted about it myself.”
Her tone and vagueness pricked at me.Something dangerous loomed ahead.
“Alaina, tell me.”
“I wrote to my brother,” she admitted.“I didn’t know what else to do!I am so discouraged being told I cannot leave that I decided to approach it from the other end.Maybe he could help.He’s king, after all, and his word holds more weight than mine.Maybe he could put pressure on the tsarina.”
I had no doubt that the tsarina had all of the princess’ correspondence intercepted and read before it found its way to the intended recipient.If it found its way.My blood chilled.
“Did you send it?”was all I could ask, hoping she had not.My mind raced through every possible and terrible outcome.
“Yes.This afternoon.My maid is discreet.”
All the discretion in the world was not enough for someone looking for any reason to make the lives of others miserable, especially those to whom the tsarina held special enmity.And the princess, in the tsarina’s efforts to twist her as she herself had been twisted, had now exposed herself beyond repair.If that maid was in the tsarina’s pay, or not as discreet as Alaina believed, or distracted for even a moment....Or maybe the courier to whom the maid was to give the letter could not be trusted....There were too many people involved in the transference of correspondence for it not to be compromised somewhere down the line.
