And neither was Brand.
As he sighed and wiped the tears from his eyes, face hidden in the darkness, Lunara had the wild thought that, maybe, he might like to know it.
She tangled a curl in her fingers, her eyes dancing over the twinkling lights of the Horned City. “I understand, by the way.”
What are you doing? Are you completely mad?
She somehow found the courage to look at him. “About the crippling thoughts, I mean.”
You are. You’ve lost your mind.
Stars above, he went so still. Frozen, like ice had formed in his veins and was holding him there.
There’s still time. You can still back out or make something up.
“We speak to ourselves in the cruelest tone, don’t we?” Lunara said softly, chewing her lip.
Brand’s ragged breaths joined the sounds of evening as his hazel stare searched hers, pleading. She couldn’t tell whether he was asking her to stop or begging her to go on.
You’re in it now, you daft witch. It’ll either help tremendously or make the foreseeable future absolutely unbearable.
She forced her eyes to stay on his, even though every particle of her body was begging her to look away. To protect that part of herself she’d never shared before. “It’s your voice, but… not. Words you would never say, thoughts you would never have, feelings you’ve never felt for another—you direct it inwards, tenfold. It becomes a mantra that you beat against yourself, murmured painfully in the silence of your own mind.”
Dramatic, much?
“Somehow, you endure every jagged, horrible whip against your being and convince yourself it applies only to you. No one else is ever as useless as you know yourself to be.”
He leaned back, ever so slightly, his jaw ticking. Seeing it, Lunara couldn’t help but note the stiff set of his shoulders. The trembling flex of his hands.
Sisters forgive her if she was wrong for doing it, but Lunara couldn't resist. She sent out a thread of power, silently thanking Lyriat for his gift of blood as she once again searched for Brand’sheartbeat. When the pounding, stuttering rhythm reached her ears, a kindred ache bloomed within her own chest.
She placed a palm there, digging it in. “All the while, your heart works as though to claw its way out of you. Your air comes in gasps. Your vision blurs along with reality, and time twists, until the only possible thought is‘how can I escape this?’”A rueful laugh slipped loose, the flippant mask dropping into place to cover her discomfort. “Busying myself is often my answer, though sometimes… sometimes I hide, because it’s all too much.”
The longer Brand sat there unmoving, his gaze boring into her, the more she was convinced she’d made a horrible mistake.
Great. You’ve broken him. Probably only needed half of that speech, and it still would have been ridiculous.
“See? I’m doing it to myself right now.” Bitterness sat heavy on the words, coating her tongue.
Lunara let go of her spell, unable to bear the overwhelming sound of their hearts crying out in furious tandem any longer.
Probably best you find a way to get your arse out of?—
“Yes,”he finally rasped. “Yes, exactly.”
Sweet relief barreled over her.
“It’s the same for you, then?” His tentative words were as much a confession as they were a question.
“Unfortunately.”
Brand ran his hand along one horn, nodding as he looked to the ground.
“Do you have anything that helps? Any… one?” she asked quietly.
She had no business asking such a personal question, but as she’d already reminded herself—she was in it now. May as well find out before she let herself get too close to him. Let herself imagine things that had no place in her life.
He swallowed and shook his head. “Woodcarving,” he admitted, voice low as he raised the block she’d just made him. “When it’s too much, I go to my workshop. Everything is easier there.”
