As I prepare to drop in for the first time, Reid is standing by my left side with his hands on top of mine. “Okay so, you hit that chute.” His body pressed up against mine is making it absolutely impossible to focus.
I glare at him through my goggles, even though I’m pretty sure he can’t see my eyes through the holographic lenses. I hope the sentiment comes through. He removes his hands from mine, and I stare as his veins flex a little. “I’m not helping, am I?”
I shake my head and take off down the trail as he calls after me, “I’ll meet you at the bottom!”
He’s talking to me through my headphones as I ride. My whole team can watch my GoPro feed, so they can see where I need to adjust on each feature. They won’t be in my ear on actual competition day, but it’s a comfort right now, even though he’s silent. Faintly, I can hear the shuffle of his feet as he makes his way down the trail.
My hair has gotten longer, and my ponytail is whipping in the wind as I ride as fast as I can. I don’t hold back, even though I know this is my first full run of the trail. We spent yesterday practicing each section. This is my first time connecting each feature together and riding it all in one go.
This speed is perfect. I hit the gap hard with perfect timing and decide right then I’m hitting a backflip next time. Reid must agree, since he’s in my ear screaming, “Hell yeah!!! You can totally send a flip next time.”
Crashing simply isn’t an option. On either side of me death is waiting to happen, and somehow recognizing that fact calmsme. There really is no choice but to succeed. As Chloe keeps saying, death or injury is always a possibility in this sport. I have to be brave enough to face it and ride anyway, like she would if she were here. Stay on my bike and make it down safely.
As if he can feel my wavering confidence through the phone, Reid says at the perfect time, “You’re doing so good, Addie.”
That little bit of praise keeps me going.
The last jump comes up, and I launch myself into the air, enjoying the breeze on my face as I float down and land with a force. The last chute is a straightaway, and I pick up speed at an alarming rate. Controlling my pace is going to be the hardest part of this trail. The features are all crammed up together in an attempt to show off all of my technical skills. There’s almost no room for error.
As I cruise around the corner, I see Reid running at me in a mad dash. He’s beaming, and it’s contagious. I just did that…
Meeting him in a run halfway, I leave my bike to clatter to the ground below. He pulls me into his arms and I tear off my helmet, gasping for air. It’s still fucking hot out here, even in mid-October.
He sets me down on the ground but doesn’t let go of me. His hands are around my waist, pulling me so close our hips are almost touching. “I am so fucking proud of you. That trail is fucking gnarly, and you owned every second of it.”
I look up at him and see a quiet determination in his eyes, like he’s searching mine for something.
He glances down to my lips, and his tongue darts out slightly to wet his own—he’s looking for permission.
My heart stops. I lean in before I can think better of it. He leans a little too, meeting in the middle, our breath starting to mingle. As we’re about to crash into each other, I hear a set of tiny feet in the dirt.
We jump apart to see Josie tugging on her dad’s pant leg. “Daddy, what are Aunt Addie and Uncle Reid doing?”
He clears his throat. “Yeah guys, what are you doing?”
Reid and I try to casually separate ourselves. He plays with his hair like he always does when he feels uncomfortable. “I was just congratulating Aunt Addie! She crushed her first run.”
He kneels down until he’s at Josie’s level and whispers something to her. She runs over to me and hugs me. “Good job Aunt Addie!!!”
I pick her up and spin her in the air. I’m glad she looks up to me, but I secretly hope she doesn’t take up an action sport like the rest of us. I’m not sure I could handle seeing her launch herself off a cliff. This must be how Damien feels every day—why he’s always so scared of her developing a taste for adrenaline.
Damien keeps looking between Reid and I suspiciously. He knows exactly what he walked in on. That moody fucker always knows everything, and it’s obnoxious. I’m grateful when he drops it and starts walking up the trail for me to ride down again.
I touch my lips as we make our way up the trail. We almost kissed, and the idea of it hardly computes. I can still feel his hot breath ghosting over my face. Maybe hedoesactually see me that way. Maybe it wasn’t a random fluke fueled by jealousy when he tried to kiss me last time.
The moment is officially gone, like sand falling between my fingers. It’s a good thing too. Kissing Reid is the last thing I need right now, even if I want it more than I’ve ever wanted anything.
I can’t handle putting my life and my heart at risk at the same time.
36
The tension is suffocating over the next two days. Between Reid and I, and between me and the trail. My mind drifts to Chloe and her injury in every quiet moment. It’s all too much, I’m going to explode. Last night, I didn’t sleep at all. I laid there staring at the ceiling of the van, debating sneaking into Reid’s tent and asking him to unceremoniously fuck me. Maybe then I’d be able to relax enough to sleep before the biggest ride of my life.
I tried to eat breakfast, but I threw it all up immediately. Now I’m pacing back and forth, picking at my nails. There’s only a few hours until showtime. I keep envisioning myself on my bike with the feeling of wind in my hair as I nail a backflip with perfect speed. Therapy helped last night, but not enough. I wish I could call her right now, keep her in my ear while I ride.
Logically, I know my fear is never going to go away—at least not fully. I’m an anxious person, that’s just how it is. I have to figure out how to cope—figure out how to do things even if I’m scared. This is my chance to prove to myself I can.
With my hand over my heart and an ice pack across my forehead, I finally make it through my daydream of success withoutan image of Reid popping into my head. I need to concentrate. It’s time to stop thinking about my stupid crush and focus on the trail.
