That’s a big part of why I love mountain biking so much. It’s the one part of life that feels like it’s all mine. Even if people are watching—judging—the only thing that genuinely matters when I’m on the bike is not falling. Riding the veil between life or death strangely calms me. My nerves are always geared up for the worst case scenario—tossing myself off of mountains gives them a chance to finally release.
Every ride, I do my best to memorize that feeling—to memorize my why. But it never sticks. I forget every single fucking time. Getting myself to take the leap is always a battle.
I’m always trying. Trying to overcome fears, trying to fit in, trying to seem like I’m not trying. Someday, I want to just exist and not think about my every breath.
I’ve never fit with my family either. I used to sit aroundwondering if I was adopted—that’s unlikely considering Aster and I are twins. She’s a polished version of me. Her golden hair is always smooth and shiny where mine is unmanageable. Aster’s lashes are constantly covered in a lump-free layer of silky black that makes her eyes more alluring than mine. My twin’s porcelain skin is never covered in freckles—or dirt.
I always wanted to chase after salamanders with the boys or ski back country trails with Delaney. I love Aster, don’t get me wrong, but we don’t get each other, and we probably never will.
Damien acts like he’s my own brother, and I love him for it. Our parents are best friends and business partners, so naturally all of us kids became close too—built in friendships that our parents hoped would translate to financially beneficial connections one day. Damien and Delaney’s dad—Sebastian—created Sterling Summits. He basically owns half of the damn town too. Mr. Sterling loves us kids, but he’s pretty cold, nothing like his late wife, Josie. She was the physical embodiment of an angel.
Josie made the resort feel like a fairy tale. I miss her more than I have a right to.
Reid was young when his mom, Lily, first started working there. Childcare often fell through, so she’d bring him to work. We quickly adopted him as one of our own, especially once they started living on the grounds. We’d run through the resort playing hide and seek, trying and failing to stay out of the guests’ way.
Lily is a mother to me in her own way, always reminding me to stop and smell the wildflowers.
It was simple back then, sharing stolen cinnamon rolls, and in later years, watered down liquor. As we got older, Damien and Reid drew together and pushed the rest of us further apart. Delaney and Aster started to bond with each other more and more too, and I was left on the sidelines. I found Chloe and Riley as a pre-teen. Riley and her brother, Parker, live in California,but they often spend summers and holidays at Sterling Summits.
At first, I didn’t like Riley. She’s the antithesis to me in almost every way—so full of sunshine and optimism. For whatever reason, she never gave up on me. She wore down my hardened exterior and forced me to trust her with my vulnerability.
Riley must sense me thinking about her, because my phone rings through the room. Her voice is full of levity per usual as she says, “Happy departure day!”
I’m silent.
“Addie. It’s gonna be amazing I promise. Just think about all of the beautiful sunsets.”
“Yeah. I know. I’m just nervous.” I’m biting on my lip as I say it.
I can hear her suck in a breath before she replies. My anxiety is frustrating—I get that. I try to diffuse her worry. “I’m sorry. I know I’m being negative. I’m excited about the views.”
“Are you excited about anything else?” Her smile is audible.
“No, we’re not talking about that.” My eyes are rolling as I say it. The more I label my feelings for Reid, the more power they’ll have over me.
“Okay. Okay. No discussing he who shall not be named. Are you excited to see Chloe?”
Fuck. I don’t want to talk about her either. I’m attempting bravery in my reply. “I’m not sure what to say to her.”
Riley is quick to encourage. “You just tell her you miss her. I’m sure she understands.”
Out of the corner of my eye, I catch Delaney standing in the doorway with two lattes in her hands. I’m rushing to end the conversation with Riley—partially for me, partially for Delaney. I whisper, “Love you.”
The goodbye is abrupt, but thankfully, Riley doesn’t comment on it. They had a falling out a few years ago over someguy named Miles. Delaney had a crush on him and Riley, oblivious as she is, hooked up with him without realizing how it would impact Delaney.
I’m still in my ridiculously fluffy robe. Delaney hands me the latte and giggles. “You know, you’re gonna have to get dressed at some point.”
“I know. I know.” I groan.
My eyes drift back to Reid finishing his paint job on the van—my cheeks flush a little. Delaney has been on me about telling Reid how I feel. She’s been home all year, which is unlike her. Delaney is typically off climbing a massive mountain. As a result of her being home, she’s become a bit exhausted by my moping around. I already know what she’s about to say.
Her eyes are gentle like a bunny. “You should tell him, Addie.”
“You know I can’t.” I brush my braid off of my collarbone and clutch my hand around my throat.
Delaney’s tone is saccharine, “It’s worth a shot, Addie.”
I get that she means well, but I don’t need any help with my delusions. I’ve got those in spades. She’s looking at me sideways, already clocking my spiral. “Addie, you can’t let your fears keep you from living.”
