“It’s okay, I get why you wouldn’t want to watch me ride after everything that’s happened.”
Reid finally gets up off of the floor and reaches to grab onto my shoulders. “Addie, I always want to watch you ride. To be there for you. I’m sorry I made you think any different. I was an ass for abandoning you. I was just so fucking bitter that I thought you’d be better off without me.”
I don’t reply, because if I do, I’m going to cry. Instead of actually processing my pain, I ran towards Riley. When I lost Reid’s warmth, I fled to another source of comfort. If I had let myself contemplate how scared I was to do this without Reid, I would have driven straight home.
Covering the hurt with humor, I quip, “So you’re gonna drive that little thing all the way to Rampage?”
He blushes—I can barely tell in the dim light—but I swear I see it. “Well…I was thinking you’d let me join you and Willa?”
Now I’m the one who’s blushing. He wants to ride in the same van as me? Two of us in a space built for one? His hand is up in his hair, like it always is whenever he’s unsure of something.
He defends himself quickly. “I figure I can drive and you can rest.”
“I don’t know.”
“Addie, think about it.” He’s trying his best to pass on his excitement to me. “You can be a passenger princess. Doesn’t that sound nice?”
It does sound nice. I’m so sick of driving. I cave. “Fine. But you’re sleeping in a tent as soon as we get there.” I hold up my pointer finger near his face for emphasis.
We’d have to spend maybe one more night on the road. One night snuggled up tight to my childhood crush in this suffocating van. I can handle this.
I usher him inside as I start to help him set up a makeshift bed on the lumpy couch. He doesn’t seem even slightly annoyed.I’m tucking the sheet in when he starts rambling. “So, do you think it’s too late to make merch?”
“Merch for what?”
“For you, duh.”
It feels impossible to picture there being shirts with my name on them, but I guess team diggers at Rampage do usually have matching shirts. It’s been days since I got the news that I’d be one of the riders in the most epic freeride competition there is, and it still doesn’t feel real.
“I’m thinking Barbie theme. Like big pink letters that say ‘Baddie Addie’.”
I roll my eyes. “Maybe let’s focus on what we’re going to build instead of the fashion choices.”
He doesn’t hear me—he continues to debate with himself over my brand. “Hmmm. Not Baddie Addie. You hate that name.”
I’m surprised he realizes how much I hate it—that’s when it hits me he’s never called me that before.
Reid continues talking to himself about shirt designs, and I sink into rumination over Rampage. You have to build out your own trail—it’s half the reason I was so upset when Reid left. He’s done this whole thing before, and his help will be invaluable. There’s a giant cliff face, and you pick a line and then literally build your own ramps and features. I’m relieved he’s back, since I don’t know any of the diggers assigned to me.
A big part of me is more nervous about my ability to wield a shovel for this thing than it is to actually ride down it.
Reid is very obviously still thinking about merch designs, because he’s staring at my shirt like he’s imagining what logo would look the best. He holds out both hands in front of my chest and says, “What about ‘Blondie’ in big curly letters right here?”
His hands zoning in on my boobs puts my head in a place Idon’t want it to be. Fluffing his pillow, I start to head to my bedroom. “Goodnight, Reid.”
He has himself all tucked into the blankets, with his long legs tipping over the edge. “Night, Blondie.”
I feel so much steadier with him here. I could have done it without him, at least I hope I could have, but I didn’t want to. We started this journey together, and we’re going to finish it that way too.
32
This morning I had a therapy session. I made Reid go for a hike while I called Sharon from the van. We talked a lot about trusting myself and recognizing it’s okay to want Reid there. She kept telling me, ‘It’s not any more impressive if you do it all alone.’
I keep trying to imagine how I would treat my theoretical daughter if she told me she was scared and wanted her friend there. What would I say to that little girl who wanted my autograph? I’m trying to talk to myself like that more. It physically pains me, but I’m pretty sure that’s a sign I need to do it. Reid came back all sweaty, smelling of pine and peace and telling me all about the weird bird he saw up at the peak. We head into the park together after we pack up and get breakfast with Riley in Yosemite Village.
She spends half of breakfast lecturing Reid and making him feel guilty for leaving me. I almost tell her about him being on his knees on my porch last night, but I hold back—that moment feels like it was just for us.
Riley hugs me so tightly I feel like I might disappear. “Addie, I am so proud of you. They need me here so I can’t come, but I’llbe right here with you.” She points to my heart, and my tears well up involuntarily.
