“Yes, Reid.”
“I’m going to kiss you.”
My vision goes blurry—the image of him before me fading in and out of focus. He’s grasping my face with his hands beforeI can make sense of what the fuck is happening. Is Reid actually about to kiss me? Was that weed laced with something else?
This can’t be happening.
He’s leaning in…I am too. My hands are threaded through his messy hair, and I swallow down my fear. Lust is bubbling up in my chest, threatening to spill over, and it gives me the courage to finally kiss the man of my dreams.
Before he presses his lips to mine, my rationality takes over. I unlock my legs and slip down between his hard body and the van. The cold metal against my back assures me I made the right decision.
Yes, this feels fucking good—finally having his attention on me in the way I’ve always craved.
But it’s not real.
I don’t know why he wants to kiss me now, after all of these years. I don’t trust it. If we ever do kiss, I want it to be for the right reasons—not whatever this is. He looks like a sad puppy, and his shoulders fall forward. “I’m sorry, Addie.” His hands rake through his messy locks. “I just thought you…uh.”
Great.
He does know I have a crush on him. He’s probably always known, how embarrassing. I don’t reply—I can’t tell him I desperately want to kiss him. I can’t tell him that kissing him is all I think about when I lie awake at night. I can’t lie either, though.
My voice crackles where I want it to sound strong. “Why tonight, Reid?”
The look he gives me tells me enough—this is all some twisted competition. He only wants me because someone else did. It hurts more than it should. For a second, when my hands finally got to touch that hair, I let myself believe that he actually wanted me. The tears are flowing again. “So, you don’t want me, but you don’t want anyone else to have me either?”
He’s following behind me as I retreat to the comfort of Willa, and I slam the door in his face before I can hear what he has to say.
Today is fucked. It was set up to be wonderful, and then it all crumbled around me—as it usually does. Chloe is laying in a hospital bed, stuck. She may never walk again, and here I am lamenting over stupid shit like childhood crushes.
I need to get it together.
My phone dings with what I’m sure is an apology text from Reid. He had a brief moment of insanity, but I don’t need him to affirm that to me right now. I want the sweet silence that is sleep to take me away.
23
Iset my alarm at the crack of dawn, wanting to drop off Reid’s bike beside his van before he wakes up. Today I’m skipping the race. First, I’m stopping by the hospital. I’m not sure if I can do any good there, but I have to try. I owe it to Chloe after being so absent from our friendship for the past few years. I’ve always missed her. We used to be so close, nearly inseparable. I pushed her away while she was trying to comfort me. After Skylar died, she tried to be there for me, like any good friend would, and I punished her for it.
Skylar’s death fucked me up more than I could have ever anticipated. She filled the motherly role in my life I was always craving. When she died, a giant piece of me went with her—the piece that was learning to let people care for me. So when Chloe wanted to stick around while I sobbed my eyes out, I shut her out. It’s my default coping mechanism. I figured it’d be easier to end our friendship right then, instead of risking the possibility of losing her the way we lost Skylar.
I couldn’t have been more wrong.
Those two years I missed out on seem like an eternity.
Still, Chloe never stopped reaching out her hand. She’snever stopped doing everything in her power to keep our friendship alive.
I’ve brushed her off again and again, and it took her almost dying for me to snap out of it. Something in me said it would be easier if I pushed her away, so I stopped letting myself rely on her, just in case she left me. I feel like the biggest asshole in the world for it.
After the hospital, I’m going to a nearby spa. Spas aren’t really my thing, but I need something physical to force myself to get off of the carousel that is my mind right now. I’m going to get a massage and enjoy my own company. Admittedly, I’ll probably watch Reid’s run online, but he doesn’t have to know that.
I’m not cold-hearted, so I wash his bike and lube the chain for him. I may be pissed, but I still want him to be safe, and I want him to be fed, so I make him a breakfast sandwich and a coffee. Wheeling the bike over to his side of the camp spot, I balance the coffee on the seat.
He’s opening the door before I can even knock, shirtless and sweating. The sight is agonizing. Reid smiles broadly at the bagel, and I almost regret doing it. He thinks this is simply a gesture of affection, but it’s actually an apology.
I hand it to him and then roll his bike into view. “I can help you secure it, if you want.”
“You’re not coming to the event?”
The desire to apologize is strong, but I hold back. “Not today. I’ll watch online.”
