I’m at a loss for words. My mouth opens and closes on repeat as he fills in for me. “I’m not going anywhere, Addie.”
“Okay, if you say so.” My words are weak.
His eyes soften some, but there’s still an intensity there. “Why do you think I would ever leave you, Adelaide?”
Reid tugs off his flannel and drapes it over my shoulders. It smells like him, and I hate that it relaxes me. He grabs the front of the collar and forces me to face him. “No seriously, Addie. I want to know. What makes you think I would ever leave you?”
I shrug, tears welling up in my eyes before I even attempt to reply. His thumb brushes away the first droplet. “Addie, I will always be here for you…always make sure you’re safe.”
My heart thuds at that first part. Per usual, he follows it up with the assurance that he sees me as a friend, a responsibility. “Addie. You know I love you.” He’s pulling my head against his chest and ruffling my hair with his knuckles.
I still can’t speak—there’s so much I want to say. A clog of emotions is stuck in my throat and nothing comes out at all.
We walk side by side, bumping into each other every few steps. He opens the passenger door for me. “So, you and Callum, huh? That’s really happening?”
I force my nose up, breathing in a confidence I don’t feel. “Yeah, maybe.”
He turns the key in the ignition, and I swear I see his jaw tick again. Main Street is glowing under the streetlights as we make our way slowly back to the hotel. I bite my lip and fidget with my nails. “You didn’t have to come back. Callum could have driven me.”
Reid glares at me, and it turns my stomach sour. On anyone else, this shade of anger would signal jealousy. But on him, it’s something else.
His tone is clipped. “You know, I work hard too.”
Guilt settles in my gut, mixing with my anger. “Yeah. I know you do.”
My hand rests on his shoulder briefly before he shrugs it off. “No, seriously. I train hard for this. It’s not easy. It’s not easy for anyone.”
“I don’t know. It looks easy for you.”
Any romantic tension I thought might have been there diffuses completely when his eyes scan my body in a completely scientific manner. He finishes staring and says, “We’ll start a real training regimen next week.”
There’s no room for discussion. I could use the help. In an ideal world, it wouldn’t be my crush watching me struggle through crunches, but you can’t win every battle.
As he pulls into the hotel, I text Callum. I wasn’t sure I was going to, but this drive solidified it for me. I’m sick and tired of waiting for Reid to see me as anything more than a friend.
17
It’s been almost a month since we left Jackson. Riley stumbled into the hotel room at six the morning after the party, and we shared a tearful goodbye in the boatyard. I told her about Callum and she wouldn’t stop smiling. ‘You’re finally gonna get some’ she kept saying. She’s been urging me to get over Reid by getting under someone else for a long time now. I’m not sure Callum and I are there yet, or if we ever will be. But I’m ready to try. We’ve been texting back and forth ever since.
Reid and I have barely been talking. Things have been weird between us since that night in Wyoming. It keeps getting worse, more and more tense the longer we’re stuck on this road trip together. He got an official invite to Red Bull Rampage. It wasn’t surprising in the slightest, but it was surprising that he didn’t tell me. I found out through Instagram, and not even his Instagram. No, I saw it on Red Bull’s page. Obviously I knew things were weird between us, but I didn’t realize how weird. Maybe it’s for the best. It might finally be time for us to drift our separate ways, even if it hurts.
I also found a new therapist. It was time; Susan and I just didn’t mesh. Breaking up with a therapist was one of the mostawkward things I’ve ever had to do. But it was clearly the right choice, because I swear I made more progress through the breakup than I had in any session with her.
My new therapist is someone who could be my friend—she told me that’s illegal though. We’ve been meeting twice a week, which seems like a lot, but I wish it was more. On the days we don’t meet, she has me journal. I didn’t know how to do it at first, but I’m a bit addicted now. She said just to jot down my thoughts, feelings, or even what happened that day— as if I’m telling my story to my future self. I want to make it a good one.
For the first time in my life, I’m finally making progress. It feels good. I’m ready to chase happiness and stop waiting for it to find me. It’s about damn time.
Our camping locations in Montana are otherworldly. Full of big open skies and silence. The quiet is as painful as it is beautiful. I haven’t had so much time alone with my thoughts since I was a kid. I’m always filling my ears with some form of stimulation. Constantly playing something through the van speakers, audiobooks, podcasts, music—you name it. I don’t want to hear myself think.
The texts and phone calls with Callum have been a pleasant distraction, but it’s not enough. I’m suffocating out here with Reid. I’ve barely seen him smile since Jackson. We’ve been training together nonstop, but that’s about it. We exchange meals and pleasantries, but no lighthearted moments. Most of the words he says to me pertain to my squat form.
We have yet another weight training session this afternoon. The only problem—we don’t have any weights, so Reid makes me lift the bike up over my head repeatedly. It’s cruel and unusual torture, but it’s working so I can’t complain too much.
My legs are more toned than ever, and my biceps are growing too. The impact from biking is easily absorbed by my new muscles, making me feel more confident than ever on mybike. I’m also feeling more confident in my clothes—everything is a bit more snug than usual, but in all the right places. I finally have someone who might be interested in looking at what’s underneath my clothes…maybe.
I owe it to myself to try with Callum—give it my all and see what else is out there. It might not work out, but at least I can say I tried.
It’s muggy inside Willa today, since the early morning dew hasn’t dried up yet. The sun is up though, which means Reid is too. He’ll be slamming his fist against the side of Willa any minute now, reminding me of our scheduled suffering. How could I forget? My thighs are still trembling from yesterday’s session.
