Don sighed. “Okay, we’ll do what you want. But if the ratings are crap—which they will be—you won’t have a show anyway.”
“Then so be it.”
40
1945
Tuula and the children had dinner with Nils that evening. A heavy late-summer shower hammered down on the courtyard outside the kitchen window. When the children were asleep, she and Nils made love on a blanket in the kitchen. They didn’t make any decisions about how they would leave the village. Tuula had no plan, while Nils had lots. So why did this feel like the first step in saying goodbye?
The next morning, Nils left early to ride over to the bakery. Aino came over with freshly brewed coffee, and they sat down in the courtyard, which still smelled of last night’s rain. The coffee was strong and refreshing. Tuula felt oddly free. She could leave; there was nothing to keep her here. Apart from Nils.
Ritva hadn’t gone back to school, and Tuula had allowed Matias to stay home from daycare since she no longer had to go to work.
The two women watched him kicking his ball against the wall.
“Heikki and I talked things over last night, and we’ve decided to move to Småland,” Aino said after a while.
Tuula looked at her friend.
“Heikki’s found work at a factory down there. He can start right away, and the friends we visited have found me a job managing a café. I just called my friend from the kiosk down in the village. They’ve been looking for someone who can bake, and I mentioned you. You should come with us.” Aino took a sip of her coffee. “There’s work for both of us, and everything is on the up and up now that the war is over. People are starting to eat out, go to cafés, buy cakes. Things are booming—it’s only Karl Eklund who wants to get rid of staff.” Aino sniffed derisively. “I’m so done with this village. In a bigger town we can be more anonymous, blend in.” Aino leaned forward, her gaze sympathetic. “But of course I understand if you want to stay with Nils.”
Tuula thought it over. “Nils said he wants to come with me if I decide to leave.”
Aino’s face lit up. “That’s fantastic!”
“I don’t know, I ... He hates his father—at the moment. He’s ready to give up the family business—at the moment. But what if ...” She sighed. “What if he changes his mind, regrets his decision?”
“He’s a grown man, Tuula—he can make up his own mind.”
“When are you leaving?”
“On Saturday. We’ve got an apartment lined up, and of course you’re welcome to stay with us until you find a place of your own.”
Tuula sat in silence, gazing at the rosebush. It had finished flowering, and the petals had dropped, leaving only a tangle of thorny branches. And yet the perfume of roses lingered in the air, presumably from a nearby yard.
“You don’t need to make the move now.” Aino placed her hand on Tuula’s. “You and the children can always join us later, when you feel that you’re done here.”
“I’m done here now—I don’t have a job,” Tuula replied tonelessly.
Aino gave her a tentative smile. “You’re not done here, Tuula.”
Tuula didn’t mention Aino’s plans to Nils; she simply told him that she and Aino were looking for work anywhere in Sweden. He contacted friends and acquaintances to see if she could get a job in one of the neighboring villages. But Tuula knew that her problems would follow her, because she wouldn’t be anonymous there either.
Nils came over on Friday evening for dinner. They made a sponge cake together, and he played games with the children. She never tired of looking at him, that kind, handsome, thoughtful, loving man who was prepared to give up everything for her. When the children were asleep, they made love in the kitchen again.
When Nils finally got ready to cycle home, Tuula felt like bursting into tears and telling him what she was planning to do. Instead she kissed him for a long, long time, then let him go without saying a word.
Maybe he sensed something? But he didn’t ask questions, and she took it as a sign that she’d made the right decision.
At first light, after a sleepless night, she tipped half of her sourdough starter into a clean jar, covered it with a kitchen towel, and secured it with jute string. When the children woke up, she told them to get dressed, then gave them their breakfast. Their suitcases were already packed; Aino and Heikki would take the children and the luggage to the station, where Tuula would meet them later. She borrowed Heikki’s rusty bike and cycled over to Nils’s apartment. She crept up the two flights of stairs and left the jar outside his door, with a note:
Forgive me, but I can’t make you choose.
I can’t let you give up everything.
Yours always,
Tuula
