She glared at me, crossing her arms over her chest, and I sighed. She wasn’t going to let this go, so I swallowed the lettuce and dressing mashup, took a swig of lemonade, and sighed, dropping back in my chair.
“So I’m angry. Of course I am! Atlas left at possibly the worst time.” I cleared my throat, shifting in my seat. I could barely get my next words out. “I love him, and he just left.”
Claudia watched me for a few long moments then finally nodded. “I know, Miley. I know you’re hurting. But you’re not just upset about him leaving—you’reangryangry, I can tell. Which, normally, I’d say was a good thing. You’ve been closed off for so long, and the fact that you’re so emotional about this is actually good. But—”
“It’s only been three days, Cloudy!” I hissed at her, stopping myself from raising my voice due to the tables full of patrons around us. “Can’t I be angry at him for leaving?”
She took a breath, staring me down. “Of course you can. But is that evenwhyyou’re angry?”
My mouth fell open, but when I couldn’t come up with an answer for her, I just stayed silent, dropping the subject. To her credit, she didn’t say anything, either.
Her words echoed in my head for the rest of the night, though.
I had another appointment with my therapist, Lars, the next day—before I left our appointment last week, he’d suggested weekly visits until we could establish a baseline and come up with a more custom plan—and though I considered cancelling so I could wallow at home, I managed to drag myself to the appointment, knowing it was what I needed.
Once we’d settled in his calming office, we chatted about everything that had happened over the past seven days.
Shit, a lot could happen in a week.
When I told him about Atlas texting me since he left, Lars stopped me. “How do his messages make you feel?”
I frowned, considering the question. Or, more accurately, wondering why he’d asked it. “Um, they hurt, honestly. Every single goddamn time. I feel like a piece of me is breaking off every time I see his name on my phone, and I fucking hate that. It’s . . . well, it’s making me angry, I think. My sister told me I was angry yesterday, and I can’t get it out of my head.”
He nodded. “Who are you angry at?”
I paused, noticing the similarities between what Cloudy had asked me yesterday and his question. “Um, I thought I was angry at Atlas for leaving.”
“Youthoughtyou were?”
I swallowed once. “Yes.” I wasn’t sure what else to say, to be honest, so I left it at that.
“But now you’re not so sure?”
“Right.” I folded my hands, placing them between my spread legs. “But I don’t know who else I would be mad at.”
“Hmm.”
Lars was quiet for a moment, and the words came tumbling out of me without a conscious thought.
“I mean, he couldn’t help it. He didn’t have a choice but to take that job. I wouldn’t have wanted him to stay here with no job and no prospects of one just to be with me. That’s no way to live. We both agreed on that.”
“That sounds logical.”
“Exactly!” I waved a hand at him.
“But emotions aren’t logical, Miles.”
I sighed heavily. “Fuck, don’t I know that.”
Lars huffed a soft, humorless chuckle then fell silent again for a few moments. When he spoke, I felt it like a punch to the gut. “Do you think this is just anger? Because I’m sensing some resentment, too.”
Oof.I just stared at him until my brain came back online. It took a minute. “I . . . I stayed behind so Iwouldn’tresent him. He left so he wouldn’t resentme. This . . . this can’t be resentment. It’s too soon. And besides, how can I resent the person I love?”
Lars folded his hands in his lap and leaned forward. “Quite easily, in truth. Actually, it might be evenmorecommon in relationships. And emotions rarely follow an acceptable timeline.”
I tilted my head at him, brow furrowing. “That is very true. But what do you mean ‘more common’?”
He crossed one leg over the other, settling back in his arm chair. “Resentment is caused by anger you internalize because of unmet needs.” He paused, letting his succinct definition sink in. “Does that resonate with you in any way?”
