“I once held on to the idea that my greatest revenge was to grow up and become a father that loved his children so fiercely thatnothingin the world could keep him from protecting them. I believed that having the courage tolove anything would be enough to drown out everything he’d taught me and kill it off once and for all.” His confession wasn’t intentional. But Nymiria was looking at him in a way that made him feel like he was something good, like he was someone worth listening to.
When her eyes met his again, he could feel the heaviness of her gaze—weighted by the thousands of unsaid things that were flickering through her mind. He wanted to hear all of them. Good or bad, he wanted to know all of her secrets. Everything that made her who she was, the thoughts that filled her mind when she couldn’t sleep. He wanted to know what the taste of his lips reminded her of, and why she looked like she was going to cry right now.
He wanted to hate her, but Aziel was not good at that.
“Why do you look so sad?” He asked.
Nymiria’s mouth parted, a half-smile forming at her mouth just briefly before it fell flat again. She shook her head. “Do you still want all of those things? Love and children?”
Aziel’s heart gave a harsh, stomach-twisting tug as he looked at her. He did want those things. He would neverstopwanting those things. “I can’t have children.” He confessed, immediately sensing the swell of her rage.
It was not something he wished to further discuss—the wound was still raw and one that would likely never fully heal. Nymiria seemed to have noticed this, perhaps by the way he took another long drink from their shared bottle. Or, partially, in the way he went rigid when he realized what he’d said.
She recognized his shame. And while she was never one to meddle in a person’s battle with their innermost feelings, she could see everything in his eyes. “There’s no need to be ashamed. Many people try their whole lives to have children and are rarely successful.”
If she believed that his shame came from natural causes, he would let her think that. It was far easier than having to explain what had happened to him—how Camalia had ensured that none of her male companions could impregnate her. Her womb was for heirs, she’d told them.
It was done unprofessionally, with no healers and the majority of the younger ones had gotten so sick…
“Aziel, it’s alright—”
“No, it’s not.” He growled. “It’s not alright. It wasn’t a choice and it wasn’tnatural.”
The truth struck her then, her breath catching in her throat. her stomach hollowed out. She wanted to reach across the table and take his hand into hers and beg for forgiveness for having been so blind. Her cheeks burned with her embarrassment, eyes filling with tears. “I’m so sorry.”
“You didn’t know, you have nothing to apologize for. My anger is not with you.”
What could she possibly say to that? There was no amount of comfort she could offer him, no amount of apologies that could make any of this any better. To have something like this forced on him…
“I’m not upset, Nymiria. We are having a discussion. You don’t have to be afraid of making mistakes. Not with me.” He breathed a weary sigh when she looked away from him.
“I wish that I didn't feel anything. Ever.” She blurted.
Yes.
Feeling nothing at all would be the greatest blessing she could ever receive.
Nymiria wasn’t a broken woman. Not in the slightest. But Aziel understood what she meant. He’d once had a heart that only felt pain, too. Now, he didn’t have to feel anything if he didn’t want to. He hadherto thank for that.
When he brought her here, he had every intention of telling her the truth. He'd prepared himself for her wrath, but hoped for her compliance. But looking at her now, seeing the great turmoil that plagued her pretty soul, he changed his mind. Be it fear or a greater understanding of the complexities of a wounded individual's soul, he decided to take another route. He was going to give her something.
An offer.
“I took your pain away before,” Aziel said in a hushed voice, her eyes meeting his with a look that was a cross between shock and awe. Even though his heart pounded and his stomach was in knots, he gently pried the gloves from his hands to reveal the scars and scabbing wounds that were hidden beneath them. “I can do it again, moonflower. I can take your pain—yourfear.That fear that keeps you from saving yourself… ” Nymiria took one look at his mangled fingers and sucked in a sharp breath, one hand flying to her chest and the other covering her mouth. Her heart pounded in her ears, suppressed tears forming a ball in the back of her throat."If you want to feel nothing, I can take it all away."
She pointed at the place on her chest where the pain had settled deep and then with a trembling hand, she reached out and grabbed the same gloved hand he’d used to heal her shoulder.
“Fix it.” She pleaded. “Fix it.”
The man hesitated, his eyes darting around the darkness before he slowly, carefully, removed his glove. He was careful when he reached between the iron bars, his eyes still void of emotion as he placed his hand over the center of her chest. The glow from his touch returned and Nymiria let out a sob when the hurt in her chest was flooded with a euphoric warmth. It spread through her entire body, her eyes wide as she turned her gaze back to the moon.
Nymiria watched as he took slow, languid steps across the room to retrieve yet another bottle of wine."What did you get out of helping me then? And what could it possibly mean for you now?"
They’d already gone through two bottles, a third was pushing it. But instead of Aziel offering her any, he merely uncorked it and took it straight to his lips. His wine glass was seemingly unimportant and useless for the amount of alcohol he was wanting to consume.
“My mother had great influence over Yaarborough. Once upon a time, Lilith Haze was able to captivate and charm her way into the king’s heart. She loved him, you see, and it was a twisted tale of devotion and desire. The king was betrothed already and had been since his birth, promised to QueenCamalia since before she was a seed in her mother’s womb. They both knew that their time was limited, but it did not stop them from engaging in quite the sordid love affair. AMysticand a mortal? Unheard of.” He took a seat across from her, a faint grin on his lips.
“I was the result of their indiscretions. Not even a week after Camalia announced her pregnancy, my mother informed him that she was also with child.” He sighed, looking down at the bottle as if it were a foreign commodity. “He encouraged her to take a tonic to end the pregnancy. She did, but the tonic failed. Yaarborough ended up moving her into the servant’s quarters, allowing her to stay in the palace to birth and raise me. What he didn’t expect was for his heartbroken and pregnant mistress to wind up in the arms of another man—abetterman that was not afraid to love her. And she loved him. When Yaarborough discovered that my mother fell in love with someone else, I had already been born. I was six by the time he was able to figure it out. She’d been refusing his invitations to his bed and couldn’t imagine why. Being the curious man that he is, he went looking for her. Found her tangled in the sheets with her lover and he killed them both right on the spot.” His gaze moved back to hers, darkened and filled with malice. Nymiria shivered, swallowing deeply.
