“Bit of both.” She filled Aunt Sarah in on the recent rush of memories, ending with the most disconcerting one. “I loved him, but I still left.” Her fingers tightened on the wheel.
Aunt Sarah’s sad smile drove a crease into her forehead. “You two were something else, that’s for sure.”
“I wish someone had told me.”
“Do you?” Sarah stared straight ahead, but a ghost of a look passed over Michelle. “What good would that have done?”
“I don’t know.” It was the truth. “But I feel like I should’ve been warned, you know? Like why not give me a little nudge. A ‘hey, Michelle, you used to love this guy, but you left him so maybe go easy on him’ kind of thing.”
“Honey, if we’d told you that, you would have run for the hills. You were ready to bolt anyway.” The sad smile morphed into the smallest of chuckles. “You were like one of those wild mustangs who’d never seen a human before. Telling you about Chase would’ve been like throwing that mustang into a round pen with a hundred people.”
It was an easy enough thing to imagine. If she’d believed them at all, she would’ve panicked. “You might be right.”
“No might about it. You were spooked. And you had every reason to be.” Aunt Sarah leaned forward and pointed. “Make a stop at the boutique. I want to pick up a birthday gift for Maude.”
“When’s her birthday?”
“Next month.” Brows furrowed and mouth tight, Aunt Sarah gripped the door handle when Michelle stopped the car. “Maude and I always thought you and Chase were the real deal. You two loved each other so much that looking at you was like looking into the sun. You glowed.”
“But I left.” She understood the why behind it. All that came back with the memory, but looking back on it and the life she’d lived without Chase… “And it wasn’t even worth it.”
“No?” Sarah’s head swiveled around with the speed of an owl.
Sitting in the living room at the B&B had unlocked core memories that cascaded into others in a domino effect as she talked.
“Not even a little bit.” She’d thought so at first. For two or three years, she’d loved everything about the city. Her job excited her. Getting to go out and explore the city, visit the opera and the shops, along with the museums, had thrilled her. That all changed over time. She stopped going to shows. Stopped caring about the museums. A pattern emerged.
Work. Home. Eat. Sleep. Repeat.
Work stopped being fun and became not only repetitive but joyless.
Her lack of joy reflected in the barren landscape of her city apartment.
It explained why there were so few pictures on her phone and none in her home.
“I wasn’t living.” She whispered into the safety of the car. “I was existing. Nothing more.”
“Seems like it might be your second chance then.” Aunt Sarah patted her hand where it rested in her lap.
She didn’t remember releasing the steering wheel. A mindless, numbing sensation took over her body. A second chance. Had it really taken a car wreck and amnesia to drive her back to where she was meant to be?
All the platitudes she’d been given by the hospital chaplain echoed in the vast emptiness of her mind. It wasn’t as empty as it used to be, but she recognized the huge gaps in memory that remained dark blotches of nothingness.
“God works in mysterious ways,” she muttered.
Sarah grunted. “He does. And even when things seem like they’re going wrong, they might be going right. We just don’t have enough context to know the difference.”
“I don’t like the idea that I have to give up control of my life.”Thathad been one of the driving forces behind leaving. She’d thought that staying in Blue River meant giving up onherlife,herdreams.
She’d left to reclaim the victory over herself and ended up miserable.
I’m sorry, Lord. I thought I was doing what was best. I didn’t stop to ask You, because I was afraid of the answer.You gave me a great love in Chase, and I threw it away. If I never accomplish anything else in my life, please give me the chance to help him heal from that betrayal. I trust you with my life.
Even during her years in the city, she’d never forgotten him or what she left behind. She stopped calling Aunt Sarah because Chase lingered in every conversation. Aunt Sarah never talked about him, and Michelle longed to ask, until eventually she gave up and threw herself fully into her new life.
“What are you giving up by allowing God to have control?” A challenge lit Aunt Sarah’s voice.
Michelle opened her mouth, a sharp retort on her lips, but snapped it closed without answering. Aunt Sarah had a point. If she took the time to be honest with herself, she’d wanted a change for a long time but had let fear hold her back.
