While I watchmy teammates play their matches from the stands, there’s a lot of disappointment that I’m not out there with them, yeah. But there’s something much stronger that I can’t ignore, taking over everything else. And that’s Evan. Evan feeling the weight of taking care of his family. Feeling like he isn’t capable. Like he doesn’t deserve to be happy, too. I wish I could show him how much he does deserve it. How all his mom and Stacie want is for him to be happy. To live his life.
After talking to Coach Sanchez and watching my own disappointment that my season is over mirrored on his face, I realize that this heavy feeling in my heart is nothing compared to how I feel about Evan. This was not his fault. And yes, if I’d have stayed away like he’d warned me, I wouldn’t be sitting out an important match and looking at a premature end to my season. But I wouldn’t have had everything that we’ve had over the past few weeks, either. I still wouldn’t know that Evan had felt the same way about me all along. That my feelings for him weren’t unrequited. And now I’ve had a taste of what it can be like with him, I don’t want to ever let that go.
I watch the match, one eye on the scoreboardand one on my phone, praying Evan will return my calls, a text, anything. But there’s nothing.
Ben and Priestley win the doubles point together, wiping the floor with Cornell’s best doubles paring. Priestley wins his singles match and Ben narrowly misses out on the W after battling it out with one of Cornell’s best players. The other guys all crash out, too, and the team ends up losing the match.
I commiserate with them back at the house. Ben asking how my meeting with Coach Sanchez went. He’s always so concerned about everyone else. I need to help him see that he deserves to think of himself for a change, too.
“You’ll get them next time, guys.”
“Nathan’s right. We need to be sharp for Columbia next weekend,” Priestley jumps in.
That’s not what I said, but okay.
Priestley turns to me. “Have the doctors said when your wrist will be healed?”
“Probably not until after regionals,” I tell him.
“That’s a shame, Nathan. I would have liked to play a few last doubles matches with you before I graduate this summer.”
I blink, waiting for a criticism that doesn’t seem to be coming. Does Priestley Rosenthal actually like me? He sure doesn’t act like it sometimes. But then, neither does Bryce—and he cut a vacation to the Bahamas short to make sure I was okay.
“Me, too.”
He slaps my good hand and I excuse myself to go up to my room to be alone.
I try calling Evan again, but he doesn’t pick up. I remind myself that he expects me to give up. This time, I won’t.
17
EVAN
Nate only called five times today. I tell myself it’s getting easier to ignore him and his messages. But I’m lying to myself.
Every time I see his name flash up on the screen, something twists in me.
I keep telling my ma and Stacie he’s busy, but I’ll have to break the news that he isn’t coming around here anymore at some point. By that time, he will have moved on, come to his senses. Realized he has a future, and I don’t. Maybe, eventually, he’ll be grateful that I did him a favor and gave him an out before he ruined it all for something that’s not worth it. Someonewho isn’t worth it.
Ma hands me the application form for the electrician course to hand in to Bob and I try to hide my lack of enthusiasm as she kisses me goodbye with a big smile on her face.
I thought I’d gotten used to this being my life, but now I’ve had a glimpse of something else, it’s crushing. I look at the women around me my ma’s age or older, who’ve been doing this for years, even decades. The men stooped from driving forklift trucks and carrying shit that was too heavyfor one person. Workhorses. I don’t wanna be like that. Butfuck,what if I can’t be anything else? What if Nate’s wrong about me and I’m not as smart as he thinks I am? What if I flunk out of this stupid course and then I’ll know for a fact, this is it? Forever?
Bob comes and finds me once I get set up. He asks me to follow him into his office. I think he’s going to ask if I have the application form, but before I can pull it out of my pocket, he tells me to take a seat and I know instantly something’s wrong. He’s usually pretty upbeat, despite the fact that he sits in this grimy, drafty office all night, watching us sweat at the conveyor belts downstairs. But right now, he looks like someone just kicked his puppy.
“I’m so sorry to have to do this Evan, but …”
Fuck. No.My stomach drops.
“Head office heard about the fight outside. They’ve told me to give you a disciplinary.”
I open my mouth to say something, but Bob holds his hand up, his face apologetic.
“I know it wasn’t your fault, you’d best believe I gave them a piece of my mind. I told them, we have witnesses who’ll attest to the fact those thugs just jumped you. But apparently, they got wind of you not being cooperative with the police and want to make an example of you.”
“What does this mean? Am I gonna lose my job?”
“No, not if I can help it.”
