“Oh.”
I sink back in my chair, the velvet upholstery almost swallowing me whole.
Ben frowns, looking down at his hands. For a second, I think my friend is going to reject me for coming out. My heart thuds. Not Ben. He’s the last person who’d reject me for something likethat. Surely?
Finally, he clears his throat. Re-arranging the expression on his face to something more neutral. “So what did he say?”
“Nothing.” I sigh, relieved at least that he’s not still sitting there in silence. I think about Evan’s back as he walked away. My heart sinking all over again.
“He didn’t say anything at all?”
I shake my head. “He just walked away. He said he had to go.”
Ben sighs. “I’m sorry. That sucks.”
I shrug.
“So are you like, gay, or.…”
“I think I’m bi.” My mouth’s dry, but it feels good to say it. Telling Evan, it was the first time I said it out loud, and it sucks that’s the reaction I got.
“That’s cool.” Ben nods.
I let out a nervous laugh.
“What?” he asks.
“Nothing. It’s just, for a second there, I thought you were going to be mad.”
He closes his eyes in a slow blink before answering. “Nate, I’m your friend. Why would I be mad?”
I shake my head. “I don’t know, it’s stupid I guess, it’s just … after Evan’s reaction.”
Ben leans closer, his eyes full of concern now. “What are you going to do?”
I shrug. “Nothing, what can I do? He made it pretty clear what he thinks about it. I’m not gonna stalk the guy.”
He sinks back in his chair. “I’m sorry, Nate.”
“It’s not a big deal,” I lie.
“Hey.” His eyes brighten, his face turning beet red. “If you ever want me to be your wingman, at like a gay bar or whatever, I will be.”
I laugh. “Thanks, but I don’t think we’d get into a bar with your babyface.”
His shoulders slump. “I do not have a babyface.”
“Yeah, you kind of do. Anyway, I’ve never been into a guy other than Evan.”
Ben frowns and stares at me, puzzled. “What do you mean?”
“I’m not sure.” I squirm. It was easier to explain it to myself before I ever had to say it out loud. But Evan is the only guy I’ve ever thought about in that way. The only guy I’ve ever been attracted to.
“Have you ever tried to … ” Ben blushes. “You know, watch … ” he drops his voice so low I have to lean in to hear him. “Gay porn?”
For some reason,Iblush. We’re fraternity brothers who used to share a room. It’s pretty stupid to get embarrassed talking about porn with the guy. But out of all my brothers, Ben is the most reserved when it comes to that stuff. I never walked in on him jerking off or watching porn, and he always stays quiet when the other guys talk about sex.
I shake my head.
