But I cannot ask him to stay. Maybe Hex was wrong about the state of Elliot’s heart, but he was right about this. If I am choosing Markham, I need to let Elliot go.
“We are glad to have you with us for however long we can, Elliot,” Mum says, then puts her hand on my shoulder. “As I was saying, Freya, if you are going to make your announcement, now is the time. Before we release the lanterns.”
“Yes.” Forcing my eyes from Elliot, I take a slow breath and turn to the man at my side. “You still want this?” I ask Markham.
Though his injured arm is in a sling, a reminder of him throwing his body between mine and a bullet, Markham stands tall and strong. He will be good for Candora. “I want this if you want this,” he says, moving his hand from my back to offer his arm to hold.
As I slip my arm through his, my fingers start to tremble. It is only because this is a big decision, and there is no way to know how the people of Candora will react. Not because I am making a mistake. Uniting like this will take away their chance to choose their leader, but everyone will have a voice. That is what matters.
Unable to findmyvoice, I nod at my mother.
A familiar disappointment wrinkles the corners of her eyes, but she nods in return and leads the way to the stage. She will give her toast to a prosperous year, as she does every year at the Celestial Ball, and then I will stand before my country with Markham at my side.
Announce our engagement.
Secure my future as queen.
Arm in arm, Markham and I stand to the side as my mother steps up to the microphone with my father behind her. I have watched hermake this speech time after time, and she has never been anything but poised and regal, a true queen through and through. Tonight, however, her shoulders lack their usual rigidity. Her always smooth forehead is lined with uncertainty. Despite the attention of hundreds of people, she looks over at me, then at Markham. The sadness in her eyes deepens as her gaze travels to something behind us.
I turn just in time to see a flash of pain on Elliot’s face before his mask slips back into place, leaving him emotionless once more. He is looking at the queen, not at me, but he must feel my stare because his eyes meet mine, and I get another glimpse of his pain.
It mirrors mine.
“As you all know,” Mum says finally, “I have decided to step down as Candora’s queen, a decision I did not make lightly. Our country has a rich history of peace and prosperity, in part because Candorans have always valued our heritage and traditions passed through the ages. As my ancestors have done before me, I have been honored to uphold those traditions through an ever-changing world.
“But my time is over. Today we celebrate a day when our leaders united for a single cause, and many became one. When Osric Alverra took on the mantle of the first Candoran king, some saw his action as a quest for power over the clans, but I believe it was the opposite. Osric gave everything to ensure his people would thrive and be happy. As a Queen of Candora, I have shared Osric’s sacrifice and given years of my life to this country. I willingly gave my time, my energy, and my very soul to this country, and I have only had one regret.”
She looks over at me again, and her eyes glisten with tears that she will not let fall because Ingrid Alverra is too strong to cry. I, on the other hand, tear up instantly at the sight of her pain. Mum has never talked of regrets, and though she is speaking to an entire country, deep down I know she is mostly speaking to me. Whatever she wants me to hear, it must be important, so I stand frozen. Waiting.
“I regret not having more time with my family,” she says without the strength of her earlier words, and yet each one pierces my heart. “I love Candora more than I can say, and I would give my life a hundred times over to protect my people. But so many times, I wish I had had the courage to set aside my duty to be with those I love most.
“Candora is full of people who love hard and treat each other with kindness, and that inherent goodness has made me proud to be your queen. But somehow, while wearing the Candoran crown, I forgot what it means to truly be Candoran. More than a nationality, to be Candoran is to be true to your heart. To listen, learn, and love fully instead of letting fear hold you back. To remember that you will always have a whole country to stand with you and offer support when you need it most.”
I don’t know when I make the decision to leave. Somewhere in the middle, I think, when she speaks of duty and love. At first, I move slowly, ignoring Markham’s whispered question as I slip from his arm and through the crowd to the nearest door, one taking me outside to the terrace that overlooks the lake. Mum’s words wash over me from the speakers overhead as I go, every line settling deep inside me and fueling my need to escape, and the instant I step beyond the stone walls, I can no longer hold back.
I run.
Chapter Thirty-Two
Freya
Crossingtheterraceasquickly as I can, I run to the stairs, down to the ground level and past guards who call after me but do not follow. Not when shouted orders to stay at their posts follow me instead.
I should have known Elliot would come after me, but when I reach the edge of the lake and stumble to a halt to face him, the sight of him bathed in moonlight still makes my heart pound in my chest. Seeing Markham at his side disarms me almost as forcefully. Fighting to draw air into my lungs, I look from one man to the other and silently beg one of them to choose for me. To tell me what to do because I have never been so torn.
With a long, meaningful look between him and Markham, Elliot is the first to move, ducking his head and stepping back until he is out of earshot. Then he turns, keeping me in his periphery but showing me thathe will not read any of this conversation on my lips. I almost wish he would, but I am grateful for the privacy nonetheless.
Markham looks more unsure than I have ever seen him, his brow furrowed and his eyes on the soil at his feet, and the man who always knows what to say remains silent.
Which means, in Elliot’s words, I have to ‘suck it up and keep moving forward.’
I take a shaky breath, not knowing what to say. “How is your arm?”
Markham glances at his sling, then at me, and a small smile plays on his mouth. “Could be worse.”
“I am sorry you ever had to take that bullet for me.”
“I would do it again in a heartbeat.” Ducking his head again, he scuffs the toe of his shoe in the dirt. “I’ve always firmly believed that the mark of a good leader is someone willing to sacrifice their wants and needs for the good of others.”
