“Corinna,” I mouth to him, pointing.
Phil’s head snaps to attention like a Doberman on the scent of fresh meat. His face screws up in concentration. “That’s…”
“Normal,” I interject. “It’s normal.”
“Well, yeah. Jesus, Jason. If that’s the worst they have, then your statue of poo is sure to win.” Phil slaps a hand over his mouth.
My voice darkens. “How do you know what my entry is, husband dear?”
“Umm…”
“Have you been snooping in the Christmas presents again?” I demand as I push out of our hiding spot.
“Jace, get down. She’ll see you,” he hisses.
“I don’t care.” I’m royally pissed.
“I swear I didn’t see anything beyond the statue. Once I realized what it was, I closed the door and walked away.”
There’s one way I can test him. “What did you think of the new Skele-Toes I got you for running? Ali and I talked about them for a long time. She said they’ll help a lot with the marathon training she has planned for you this year.”
The abject horror on Phil’s face can’t be faked. He’s not that good of an actor. “You’ve got to be shitting me,” he finally whispers.
“Not at all. She says they’ll help build up your muscles for endurance. I stopped listening after she said they were the best for you. That’s all I want for you to have, baby,” I deadpan.
My husband is falling apart in front of me. He’s emitting choking sounds that might concern me as a doctor if I didn’t know it was from shock.
Behind me, I hear a slow clap. Turning, I’m greeted by Corinna’s mischievous grin. “Hey, Cori,” I say casually. “Finishing up your white elephant gift shopping?”
“Nah, I bought mine last week. I bribed a stock clerk with a cake to save me some seriously awful crap in the back. I knew I would be too busy to have a chance to shop, and I was not living with another ugly-ass picture frame in my house this year.” Corinna’s eyes turn feral. “In fact, I may give someone the money for the donation just so I can smash that thing into pieces.”
“Is that because of the frame or what’s in it?” My husband just has to poke at his sister for receiving a picture of hot military men, thereby reminding her constantly of someone from her past.
Corinna ignores her brother and asks me, “Do you want me to wrap Phil’s gift for you and bring it to the family celebration? I guess you had to custom order it since they don’t make chastity cages that small?”
Ignoring Phil’s sputtering, I answer truthfully, knowing the gift is much more precious than she’s insinuating. “If you truly don’t mind, it would be appreciated.”
She reaches out and squeezes my arm. “Of course not. That’s what family does. It will be there Christmas morning.”
“I can’t believe you hid my gift at Corinna’s!” Phil finally yells.
“If I could trust you not to go snooping around like a child for your presents, maybe I wouldn’t have to,” I answer diplomatically.
Phil storms off in a snit. Corinna and I wait for a half a heartbeat before we both break out into gales of laughter. “Oh, Jason. I was planning to call and give you an update on the kitty, but this was too good to pass up. Quick, take a look in my cart.” She drags me over to where her cart has the pink blanket over it. “I found the cutest bed in the pet section that totally complements your bedroom set,” she whispers. “The special litter box you ordered came in. It’s so beautiful. And trust me, I never thought I’d say that about a place where a cat is going to poo,” she snickers. “I picked up the food, bowls, and stand. All I have to do is run to PetSmart to get the litter.”
“I am so grateful for everything you did, Cori. He’s never going to believe it,” I whisper. Phil has wanted a pet for so long but never quite got around to deciding on what he wanted. A few weeks ago, one of my coworkers asked if I wanted to adopt a kitten. When I saw the picture of the kitten sticking its tongue out at me, I knew it was absolutely perfect for Phil. The kitten had attitude wrapped in an adorable package.
Just like my husband.
“Are you two done with your conference yet? I need to finish shopping.” Speaking of attitude…
Corinna hastily throws the blanket into her cart. “Did you ever get out of him what he’s getting for Keene?”
I answer honestly. “No, I have no clue. I’ll find out when the rest of you do.”
Phil’s slow smile does nothing to ease my fears. “Yes. Yes, you will.”
We say our goodbyes before heading in separate directions. Corinna heads to the checkout, leaving Phil and I to comb the store for the worst HomeGoods has to offer.
