I wait for the door to close before looking back at Stacey. She means well and I love her, but she needs to back off. “It’s a small price to pay for happiness,” I say, putting an end to the conversation.
Chapter 24
Brendan
Now
Spending my Sunday afternoon at Chris’s work BBQ is not what I need right now. I can’t concentrate for shit, and I’m fatigued with all the effort it takes to pretend everything’s normal.
Needing a cigarette, I move away from the group before lighting up. The last thing I need is one of the stuffy accountants turning their nose up at the smoke. Chris barely notices, busily chatting to Sally, his closest work friend, both their faces animated with the latest office gossip.
I’ve never felt at ease around these people. I’m too rough around the edges and drop too many f-bombs. Not that Chris seems to mind—something I truly love him for. He’s a good man and I owe him everything. Without him, I wouldn’t be a successful business owner, live in a nice house or drive a decent car. When it comes down to it, I can’t imagine leaving Chris, hurting him like that when he doesn’t deserve it.
Finishing one cigarette, I immediately wrap my lips around another, noticing how my hands shake as I light up.
Kissing Kyle was possibly the stupidest thing I’ve ever done. It burst the dam and now my emotions are running free, being swept away on an unstoppable current. There seems no way to halt it, and I know in my heart that I don’t want to. My body craves another hit, my thoughts constantly descending into lurid sexual fantasies. I’ve lost all control, my skin flushing hot as I battle to stop the blood flowing to my dick from sunrise to sunset. It’s a ceaseless state of arousal, a longing I shouldn’t—and cannot—satisfy. Long showers are my only source of relief. Morning and night, I surrender to the lust, coming with the intensity of a man many years younger, my hand covering my mouth to stifle the desperate yearning.
I fear Chris can read my mind, privy to my innermost wants and desires. Every time we make eye contact, guilt swallows me up and I avert my gaze. Is this thing with Kyle just about sex? If it is, shouldn’t I be able to push it down and get a fucking grip? I’m forty for God’s sake, not a teenager ruled by my hormones.
Taking one final drag, I wonder how Kyle explained his black eye to his husband. He’d already been in a vulnerable state, andwhat happened between us couldn’t have helped. Even though we said some ugly shit to each other, and even though he was pushing my buttons, it was still out of line for me to take a swing. In our teens we would sometimes argue with our fists—too immature to sit down and talk things through. It was all we knew back then, coming from homes where violence was normal. But I know better now and I’m disappointed in myself.
Shit, I know I shouldn’t have run like I did, but, if I hadn’t, it wouldn’t have ended with just kissing. I’d been seconds away from dropping to my knees just as Kyle had been minutes away from taking me right there in the parking lot. I’d felt his determination, his resolve to regain what had been lost to him, to us, all those years ago. “Fuck,” I mumble, flicking my cigarette butt into a bin.
Back at Chris’s side, I rest my hand on his lower back. “And what are you two gossipin’ about?”
Sally throws her head back, laughing loudly. “Brendan, you know us too well.” She steps in closer, dropping her voice to a whisper. “We think Luke is having an affair with Alice. Just look at them, it’s so obvious.”
Following their line of sight, my eyes land on the two in question. “Good on them, they look happy,” I say.
Chris slaps me lightly on the arm. “No Dan, it’s not good on them. Luke has a fiancée.”
Bloody hell, couldn’t they have told me that first? I assumed they were just keeping their fling from their co-workers. “Yeah, well that’s different then,” I say, backtracking. “Luke should split up with his fiancée.”
“Doubt he’ll do that,” Sally says. “Anyway, forget them. Chris tells me the business is booming.”
“Yeah, it’s goin’ great. We’ve had excellent growth the last two years. Chris says he’s happy with the profit margin and the bank account keeps goin’ up so I’m not complainin’.”
Sally tilts her head to one side, smiling at us both. “Brendan, what would you do without Chris? You guys are so lucky to have each other.”
My gaze shifts to my husband then back to Sally. “I wouldn’t have made it this far without him that’s for fuckin’ sure. I’m a lucky man.”
Chris pecks me on the cheek but I can’t bring myself to look at him.
On Monday afternoon, I find myself parked outside the Johnson house. It’s the final day of the reno and Jeff and the boys should be packing up by now. Normally I would be onsite for the last day of a job, so there’s nothing unusual about me making an appearance. Whathasbeen unusual is my complete absence throughout.
As I wait for Kyle to answer the door, I run through some possible excuses in my head, deciding to tell him it’s company protocol for me to sign off on the job. Truthfully, I want to check on Kyle’s eye and his mental health.
What I’m not prepared for is Lucinda opening the door. It’s shocking how much they look alike—the identical wavy, blonde hair and ice blue eyes, and, as I’m discovering right now, the same brighter-than-the-sun smile. Why she’s smiling at me like she’s won the lottery though, I have no clue.
“Hey, it’s Lucinda, isn’t it? Is your dad home?”
She leans casually against the doorframe. “No, but he should be here any minute. Are you with the renovation company?”
“Yeah, I own it. I just wanna do a final check on the work since it’s the last day.”
“Are you…?” she trails off, pursing her lips and eyes narrowing. “Please don’t think this is weird, but is your name Brendan by any chance?”
I freeze. Surely Kyle hasn’t told her about me? I consider lying, but she looks so excited. “Yeah, I’m Brendan. Have you heard of me or somethin’?”
