“I did. So much.” A tear spills over before I can stop it. I’m embarrassed crying in front of Lu, so I quickly flick it away. “I broke up with him. I thought I was doing him a favour so he wouldn’t have to put up with my mental illness.”
Lu wraps her arms around my neck and pulls me into a hug. It’s been way too long since we shared one, and I hold onto her for dear life. When she releases me, her expression is kind.
“Dad, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately and I wanna do better, too, because I miss you. I miss how it used to be between us. And I’m really sorry about Brendan.”
I swallow hard, overcome by her words, then place a kiss to her forehead. “I’d like that. I’ve missed you, too. And it’s okay about Brendan. I met Papa and I got to have you, and you’re the best thing in my life. I love you, Lu.”
“I love you too, Dad.”
“What’s going on in here?”
We both turn to find James standing in the bedroom doorway.
“Papa, nothing’s going on. Dad’s just tired.”
“Kyle, is that true?” James comes and stands over me. “I asked you if you needed to see the doctor and you said you were fine.”He sighs loudly when he takes in the state of my face. “You look awful.”
“I’ve made an appointment. I haven’t been sleeping well but I’m sure it’s nothing.”
Lu’s hand slides into mine and I almost weep at the gesture.
“I hope so because I’ve got the Sydney trip coming up and you can’t have an episode while I’m gone.” James frowns down at me like he’s scolding a small child. “You remember what happened last time.”
“Papa don’t be such an asshole,” Lu interjects. “Dad’s doing everything he can and I’m not a kid anymore. I can look after him if something happens while you’re away.”
“Lucinda, Dad might let you get away with speaking to him like that, but you won’t get away with it with me. Go and do your homework young lady. Besides, you’re on school camp when I’m in Sydney.Andyou have absolutely no idea how to handle Dad when he’s” —James’s mouth turns down at the corners— “sick.”
“Lu, it’s okay,” I say, squeezing her hand. “You go and get started on your homework and I’ll get dinner ready soon.”
Lu stands and walks towards the door, turning at the last minute, eyes fierce with anger. “Papa, maybe ifyoudidn’t speak to people like they’re shit then I wouldn’t have gotten so good at it, too. I’m fucking sick of living in this house.”
James points at Lucinda and yells, “One more word out of you and you’ll be grounded. This is between me and your dad. Now go!”
Lu pivots on her heel and storms out of the bedroom.
Pissed off, I stand to face James, pulling up to my full height so I can look down at him. “Was that really necessary?”
“If you’d done a better job at parenting, I wouldn’t have to come down on her so hard, now would I?”
“Fuck you! Things are going to change around here.I’mgonna do better. Maybe you should give it a try, too.” I shove past him, instantly hoping I haven’t pissed him off too much.
Fear wraps around my chest. I don’t want this to escalate.
“Just remember who pays for all your designer clothes, that Porsche you parade around in, and all the first-class overseas holidays.”
I keep walking and, fortunately, he doesn’t follow. I never needed any of that shit anyway.
Chapter 17
Kyle
14 years earlier
Ibounce Lucinda on my hip while setting the dinner table with one hand. James arrived home from work an hour ago, but he’s spent all that time in his study. Lucinda’s eleven months old now and the centre of my world, but James doesn’t help much.It’s been rough, and we’ve been arguing a lot. He’s changed so much since she was born, and, while I hate to say it, I think it stems from Lu being my biological child.
When we selected a donor egg and a surrogate, we spent many hours discussing whose sperm we would use. We settled on mixing them together so nature could decide. For our second child, whoever wasn’t the father of the first would be their biological parent. It seemed like a fair and practical solution. But, on the day of the birth, when little Lucinda emerged with blonde hair and pale blue eyes the exact shade of my own, the look of disappointment on James’s face, followed by resentment, was unmistakable.
Back in the kitchen, I put Lucinda down and start plating the food. I love her more than I thought was humanly possible, but I think it’s time to go back to work part-time. I need something for myself. I need contact with other adults, and to stimulate my brain. But there’s a problem—James is categorically against it. He doesn’t even like me to leave the house anymore.
