Instead of answering, Cleats came at him with a one-two punch, Gavin succeeding in blocking only one of the blows. He focused his attention on an appropriate response, clocking the other man squarely in the jaw and backing off.
God, it felt good to hit someone. Too fucking good.
It had been too long, way too long since he’d been able to get out his physical aggression with someone who had even slightly comparable skill. There was no question in his mind he could take Cleats down if he wanted to, but so far that choice was firmly within his control.
He could stop right now and walk away if he chose to.
The men continued sparring, their intensity gradually increasing. But when Cleats guided three successive hits to Gavin’s face, a switch inside Gavin flipped. He was in the zone now, that place in his brain where a sequence of events could emerge unbidden, a roadmap of sorts to take the other man down.
Before he considered what he was doing, he had executed every step to perfection, Cleats on his back on the ground and Gavin hovering over him, his whole arm shaking from his determination not to throw the punch that would snap the other man’s neck dangerously sideways.
Time stopped. Gavin was face-to-face with the dragon,fighting for control of his actions like a fierce dog trying to let go of a meaty bone. He leaned back, slowly letting his arms drop to his sides before pushing to a stand and holding out his hand to help Cleats up.
The side of Cleats’ face was swelling, the beginning of a black eye a sickening reddish purple, blood pooling about his cheekbone. He took Gavin’s hand and stood, nodding once to Razorback before leaving the gym.
There was no pleasure in that moment. He was the drunk without a drink, the gambler fresh out of money, the chain smoker on his first day without a cigarette.
“Tell me what you’re feeling right now,” said Razorback.
Gavin turned away from him, again taking off the boxing gloves and throwing them into a corner of the room. “Why? So, you can congratulate me? Tell me I’m all better, that I won’t have any problems now that I’ve played your little game?”
“No. Tell me how it feels.” Razorback steps closer, whittling down the distance between them. “Tell me how it feels to have a man’s life in your hands again.”
“What are you, a fucking shrink?”
“No, but we have one on staff. You should talk to her.”
Gavin blew out air. He was well aware of Marina and what she did at HERO Force. She’d been on his back to meet with him for months. “No, thanks. You’ve made your own little island of misfit toys here, haven’t you?”
“What do you mean?”
“You know damn well what I mean.” He gestured to the rest of the office beyond the gym doors. “Every single one of those guys is fucked up. At first, I thought it was imagining it, but I’m not, am I? You did this on purpose. You handpicked a bunch of SEALs who need a disability check a hell of a lot more than they need a job.”
He’d thought HERO Force was what he wanted, a chance to get his life back, be useful again, reclaim something he’d lost. But Razorback had his own motivation for asking him here and Gavin was having none of it. “Well, count me out. I’m leaving the island.” He pushed past Razorback.
“So, what happens now? You go back to your cabin in the mountains and do no good for anybody for the rest of your life? Just waste everything you have. Throw it all away?”
Gavin was only feet from the door, so close to walking away, but he stopped. Razorback spoke as if Gavin had something to give, skills that could do good in the world instead of bad, and the thought resonated inside him. It was why he’d enlisted in the first place, but reality had turned out very different from his expectations.
A part of him still wanted it. But was he any better than the day he’d retired, throwing his metals into the Hudson River with a guttural cry? “I wanted to work for you.”
“So, stay. Your blinded by one thing. One thing about your past and you’re letting it destroy you. You didn’t kill Cleats. You are capable of discriminating between an enemy who needs to be terminated and someone who does not.”
Gavin shook his head, turning to face Razorback. “One fight doesn’t fix everything. One fight doesn’t mean I’m okay.”
“I saw your eyes. You were ready to kill him, but you backed off. You made the decision, and you backed off.”
Razorback was offering him a way out of the darkness. It wouldn’t be easy. Hell, he might not even make it. But didn’t he have to try?
The doors to the gym opened, Mooch sticking his head in. “DeGrey, somebody’s here to see you.”
He furrowed his brow. Nobody even knew he was in town. “Who is it?”
“I don’t know. Some girl with a baby.”
3
Eva knew a thing or two about feeling unwelcome, and as she stood in the lobby of the HERO Force office waiting for Gavin to emerge, she couldn’t help but judge this moment against some of the worst of her life.
