When he trusted himself to speak, he said, “You should’ve seen him with his wife. They were one of those couples who made everyone jealous. They had that kind of love.” The past tense stung, his eyes burning with emotion. “They’re expecting a baby.”
“Oh, God.”
He released her. He didn’t deserve comfort when so much had been lost. “Ralph was so excited to be a dad. Now he’s gone, and she’s going to have to raise that kid alone.” He shook his head, anger with himself articulating his movements. He sat up. The urge to lash out bore down on him, and he flung the covers back, getting out of bed.
He needed to get out of here.
He needed space.
Teslyn sat up, holding the bedsheet against her nakedness. “It’s not your fault.”
He furrowed his brow. “Of course it’s my fault. Ralph wasn’t even supposed to go on that mission. It should have been me.”
“Then it’smyfault.”
“I didn’t say that.” He grabbed his briefs and shorts, pulling them on.
“You were just doing a favor for a friend, because you’re a decent human being.”
He pulled a shirt over his head. “Look, I know what you’re trying to do. But it’s not going to work, okay? I chose to help you. I chose for Ralph to go in my place. I’m the one who put him in harm’s way. I’m the reason he’s dead. I’m the reason his wife is somewhere crying her eyes out right this very second.”
“You’re carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders.”
He was itching to get out of here, itching to get away from her and the simple forgiveness she had no authority to give. “I’m taking responsibility for what I’ve done.”
“You need to feel whatever you feel.”
“That’s right.”
“I just hope you won’t hang on to that guilt too long. Each of us makes choices every day that could lead to disaster. We never know what’s going to happen. If you’d known Ralph was going to be killed, you never would have sent him in your place. I know that. Everyone will know that.”
He huffed. “It’s not that simple.”
“I know you can’t see it that way right now.”
The urge to lash out pulled at him, the anger he’d turned inward now spilling onto Teslyn. “Tell me you don’t blame yourself for Ivy growing up in that trailer.”
Her head jerked back. “Excuse me?”
“Tell me you don’t feel just a little bit responsible. If you hadn’t cut your mother out of your life, you’d at least have known your sister existed. You might have had some clue she was living your childhood all over again. Maybe you could have intervened.”
Her face fell. She turned away, wrapping the sheet around her as she got up and headed for the door, her chin in the air as she tried to sidestep him.
“Damn it,” he ground out under his breath. His words had hit their mark, just as he knew they would. Teslyn was no more responsible for Ivy’s upbringing than he was, and he knew it. He blocked her path. “Wait. Tess, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that—”
She wouldn’t meet his eyes. “Get out of my way.”
“Please. I’m struggling. I’m drowning over here, and I took it out on you. Forgive me.”
She glared at him. “Get thefuckout of my way.”
He lifted his palms toward her and stepped aside. “I’m sorry.”
The door closed softly behind her, but he knew it was only in deference to her sleeping sister that she didn’t slam it with all her might.
His mouth turned down hard at the corners. He would have thought it was impossible for him to hate himself any more than he already did, but he would have been wrong. He’d just lashed out at the one person in the world who’d tried to make things better for him, who’d listened and worked to understand what he was going through. Who’d shared her body, offering herself freely and making love to him at a moment when he’d so desperately needed to feel alive. The one person in the world he was beginning to care for way more than he ever intended.
And I did my damndest to hurt her in return.
