Are you single? Are you rich? Your place or mine?Well…I guess that’s really all you need to know as a single woman in a foreign country looking to land a hunky hook-up.
“Come on. I already ordered your favorite.” Lucy takes my hand and tugs me towards a small table where a bowl of salsa and chips waits for us.
We sit just as the waiter comes up to our table with two giant sized peach margaritas. This is definitely going to be a one drink night.
Lucy lifts the massive glass carefully and sips her drink, licking the honey and sugar rim.
“Mmm. These are so delicious. I could drink a bathtub full. And before you say it, my rebuttal is that margaritas and salsa taste better than skinny.”
I don’t disagree because these margs are to die for.
“So…tell me all about the new client. Did you let him go downtown to the all you can eat buffet? Does the camera really add five inches, or is the fit true to size?” She dips a chip into the salsa, overloading the thin tortilla, and shoves the entire thing in her mouth with one bite.
“Will you keep your voice down, loud mouth. Jesus. I don’t think the chef heard you.” I take my first sip of margarita and my eyes roll as I moan with pleasure.
Peach margaritas have quickly taken over the place of sex. The taste on my tongue is out of this world, and I don’t feel disappointed after drinking one.
“You are such a drama queen. I was not that loud.” I look over at the table just a foot or so away, and see the couple laughing, their shoulders moving up and down, and I wholeheartedly believe it’s all due to my bestie and her overly descriptive words.
“To answer your questions: I can’t give you details of my new client, he hasn’t eaten at the buffet, and from what I saw hidden by his shorts, it looks true to size and then some."
She chokes, chips and salsa flying out of her mouth, smacking me in the face like a cream pie at a carnival.
“Blech,” I gag, and wipe away the disgusting bits while trying not to disturb my makeup.
Lucy finishes choking and grabs the still full glass of water, chugging it down in big gulps. She wipes hermouth with the back of her hand –real lady-like– and lets out an exhausted breath.
“You sawit?” Her eyes are huge, the bright blue looking like giant marbles, and her mouth hanging open.
“No I didn’tsee it, see it. He just…” I look to my left and right, then lean in closer. “He had a hard-on under his shorts and he was most definitely pitching a big tent.”
“Eeeekk.” She squeals and there goes my attempt to keep it down. “Holy shit. Please, for the love of margaritas, sleep with the man. Stop this nonsense about waiting for the right one before the grand re-opening of your legs.”
I give up. I will just have to resign to the fact that by the end of the night, the entire restaurant will know my business. T‘is the life with Lucy.
“For the hundredth time Lucy; I cannot sleep with him. He’s my client. I will not be one of those women who sleeps with men to get ahead.”
“Oh you wouldn’t be sleeping with them to get ahead. They’d be sleeping with you to get head.” She begins cracking up, finding herself the funniest person she knows, and I can only sigh.
“What am I going to do with you? I can’t return you. The store said all sales are final, merchandise purchased as is. I didn’t realize mine was defective.” Lucy laughs and sticks her tongue out at me.
I joke that she drives me mad but really, without her I’d be sad and probably living back in Cali where my mamá would be setting me up with one boring man after the other. My life is currently nothing like she would want for me. If it were up to her, I’d be married already with at least two kids and another on the way. I’m not saying there’s anything wrong withthat, it’s just not for me. I don’t even know if I want kids, period.
“Okay. Hear me out.”
“Uh oh. That’s never good,” I tell her.
“Can’t you just bang it out with him once, for research purposes, then finish doing whatever you need to do and fix him.”
I carefully lift my marg glass and take a slow sip. How it gets better with each taste is beyond me.
“Lucy, you are not understanding. Whether he’s my current or former client, I cannot and will not sleep with him. I’m a professional and it’s just not going to happen. So clear your pretty little head of that thought and let’s move on. What’s new with you? Sell any expensive watches to hot rich men, lately?”
I scoop up some salsa with the flimsy chip and when it breaks, I begin fishing it out of the bowl, making sure to get all castaways.
“As a matter of fact–” I’m in the middle of licking the dripping salsa off of my fingers when Lucy goes silent, and that never happens.
If Lucy is silent then that means something horrible or amazing is about to happen. Or possibly amazingly horrible. In any case, it’s not good.
