“It feels really good to get it out there. Thank you for listening, and for thinking I’m pretty damn strong.” Igrin through the tears, and he gives me a small chuckle. “That’s the first curse word I’ve ever said out loud.”
“Have you been saying them in your head?”
“Yeah…”
“Well that’s a start.”
Izzy walks into the room, saying something about going to get something to eat, but she halts when she sees me crying. “What did you do to her?” She points an accusing finger at Wes.
“Calm down, Iz. He didn’t do anything. I’m just emotional today.” I say, wiping the rest of my tears.
“If you say so.” She narrows her eyes in suspicion, “I’m starving. Come on, Mom sent money for lunch.” She walks to the doorway, stopping to glance over her shoulder and say, “Wes can come too as long as he doesn’t make you cry again.”
Chapter 11
Wes
Icheck with Elli to make sure she’s comfortable with me joining them for lunch, because I don’t want to impose on them. She assures me that it’s fine, so we jump in her car and head to Schneider’s, a little German restaurant downtown that has the best food.
I’m still trying to wrap my head around the information Elli gave as we pull in, order our food, and sit at a little table on the outside patio.
I order a reuben sandwich with a bag of chips, and Luke and Izzy are splitting the Weiner schnitzel plate with fried potatoes and a salad, and they each got a different flavor of cake slice to try. I think one was marzipan and one was napoleon cake, but I wasn’t paying that much attention.
Elli orders a bratwurst sandwich with a side of fries and I can’t help but smile when I see she has two desserts on her tray. An eclair, and another cake that has caramelized almonds on top. She has a sweet tooth, I’ve noticed.
She probably tastes sweet too.
No! Bad brain. She shared something very vulnerable with me today and she’s going on a date with my best friend. I can’t be thinking about how sweet she’d taste.
I clear my throat and point towards the cake on her tray, “What’s that?”
“It’s called ‘Bieninstich’ which means ‘bee sting cake.’ It’s a really old German and Swiss recipe that dates back to the twentieth century. It’s got custard in the middle and caramelized almonds on top and it’s delicious. My grandma made it once when we visited and I’ve never seen it anywhere else so I had to try it.” Her eyes light up when she talks and I can’t help but smile.
Elli seems lighter now that she’s gotten her secret off her chest. I can’t even imagine holding all of that in for almost two years, with no one to talk to or a way to process and work through it.
Jess made me see a therapist when she took over guardianship of me. I tried to fight it, tried to say nothing was wrong with me. She told me that anyone who has gone through as much as I have in my lifetime needs to hash it out with an impartial third party.
I refused to talk to my therapist, Roy, at first, thinking it was a waste of time, but one day, he asked me about my mom and the flood gates opened.
I never hated my mom, I think she was broken and lost, but she tried her best given the fact that she was also traumatized. I told him how I was worried I would turn to drugs in my low times and that I would end up in a shitty relationship like she did.
I didn’t have much of a plan after high school. I had applied to schools because everyone else was, but I didn’t know what to major in or what field to go into. When I told Roy that I wanted to be a musician, we talked through how to make that happen, while still being able to support myself.
Roy referred me to a psychiatrist when I told him about the panic attacks I was having almost daily, and that’s when I was prescribed my first anti-anxiety medicine. It was eye-opening to see how different I felt when the chemicals in my brain were balanced.
I wonder if she would benefit from therapy. I don’t know much about religious trauma, but I’m almost positive that anyone who walks away from a religion like hers would have some.
“Wes, you went to UTSA, right?” Izzy asks halfway through lunch.
“I sure did.” All of the adults, besides Sean, went to UTSA for school.
“What was the commute from here like? Was it bad?”
“Depends on your schedule. It’s about an hour drive on a good day, so two hours travel time. I would make sure all my classes were scheduled for two days a week or online so I didn’t have to travel every day. It helped that Sav, Drew, and Robs went too, so we could carpool.”
“Are you considering moving here for college?” Elli asks Izzy.
Izzy shrugs. “Maybe. It’s an option for sure.”
