‘Thanks for the great wine. Once I get all these felt dogs off, I’m going to sit back and enjoy it.’
‘Sounds good. The perfect night in, hey.’ Abe gives me one of his glowing smiles that light his face up and walks closer to me. I smile but then look down as I think how it would be nice if he joined me, yet I also don’t want that, because then I might get sucked in by his charm.
‘Is everything okay? You seem a bit… off? I don’t know ifoffis the right word. I suppose it’s not. But you seem like you don’t want to be too close to me. Are you upset that we kissed the other night? Sorry if I’m being too direct.’
‘Oh, no. I’m happy we kissed, it was absolutely wonderful. I’m just a bit, well, confused right now. I’m settling into a new country and still finding my feet. I mean, you’ve been fantastic in helping me settle here. It’s just that I suppose I am used to being by myself. Don’t get me wrong, I love your company. I don’t particularly even like being alone, but that doesn’t mean I want a relationship at this stage of my life. To be truthful, I don’t know what I want. I’m feeling a bit of a mess right now.’
‘No, I get that. I didn’t mean for you to get the wrong impression. You know that I’m not asking you to be my steady girlfriend, right?’
Abe’s bluntness takes me aback. It also feels like a stab in the heart. I was scared of getting close to him, or having a steady relationship, and now he makes it sound like all he wanted was a casual affair. That is something that is definitely off the cards. What is he trying to say?
‘Um, no, I didn’t think you were asking me anything of the sort. I hope you don’t think that.’
‘Relax. It’s okay. Maybe we should leave things as they are, hey? Maybe that’s the best thing to do. No pressure for anyone.’
‘Okay, that sounds like a good idea.’ I smile but my emotions are mixed. I like Abe so much, but I am so terribly afraid that all of this is not a good idea.
‘Now, come on, let’s find that stall with the organic wine. I need to stock up,’ says Abe.
As we walk towards our favourite wine stall, I pass the woman I saw last time who is back again selling her crocheted teddy bears. She seems to be popular with a family who are standing in front of her buying two teddies. Her cheeks are red from the cold, but as she chats with her customers, you can see how much pride she takes in her stall and how she enjoys being there meeting new customers. I watch her, just as I did the last time, and decide that’s how I want to be. Looking at her gives me back the motivation and confidence that I seemed to have lost yesterday. I remind myself that this is exactly what I dreamed of. I just need to stick with my dream and work a little harder. I am in touching distance of this. Why can’t I have a stall? I don’t know why on earth I was feeling so overwhelmed. This is exactly what I want to do. I am a bit stressed about the orders I have right now, but if I was to make lots of stock in advance then I could keep on top of it. Of course, I need to also improve on my Dutch so that I can chat with customers, but now that Debbie has left, I can go back to learning and start the class.
I look back at the woman once again and promise myself that I will get there one day. I want a stall here more than anything and, as I think about it, I realise that my shopaholic days are far behind me; now I’d rather earn money than spend it. I even manage to resist the next stall along with the eye-catching sparkly shawls and pashminas. I came here for lunch, not accessories that I don’t need.
Finally, we reach a food truck selling pizzas with Dutch salami toppings. We sit down with our pizzas, the cheese melting away as I take my first bite. I wipe at my mouth.
‘Oh, my word. How have I never tried Dutch cheese and salami on a pizza before?’
‘You have definitely missed out for all these years.’
‘For sure. I think I have a new favourite food place.’
We wash the pizzas down with a cup of mulled wine and any homesickness I was struggling with after Debbie left is once again replaced by the love I have for this country. Everything is going to be absolutely fine. I was being totally overdramatic. Amazing what a bit of fresh air can do.
Taking a final bite of pizza, I watch the crowds of people walking through the market as they examine the wares, munching on snacks as they mill around and generally soaking in the atmosphere. Music plays through speakers in a corner where some of the visitors enjoy a beer. It is the perfect way to spend a Sunday. It’s so typical of Amsterdam with nobody rushing around but instead enjoying their leisure time and making the most of good food and drink.
Even though we are both thoroughly immersed in the market, as promised Abe reminds me that I have a few more felt dogs to finish before tomorrow, so we should head back. Sensibly, I agree and we walk home.
Just as we are approaching my place, Abe stops and looks at me.
‘I want you to know that I’m so glad you moved in next door. I enjoy hanging out with you.’
‘Thank you. That’s nice of you to say. You’ve been amazing since I moved in.’
I stop and look into Abe’s beautiful eyes. He is so difficult to resist.
‘You know, you were straight with me earlier so I guess I should say something to you now. One of the reasons I am so afraid of what could happen between us is partly because you’re my only friend here and I love our friendship. What if it went wrong?’ I say.
‘I agree with every word. Although I think we’re both attracted to each other, or am I wrong?’
Once again, I think of that glance I had of him when I was on the canal boat. I certainly can’t argue with what he is saying.
‘You’re right. That’s exactly why I am so scared. I’m not ready to fall head over heels for someone.’
‘Nobody is asking you to do that. Why don’t we take things slowly? We don’t need to think about the future, or worry that we will have some big falling-out one day. If we are both attracted to each other then let’s just live for today.’
I scratch my head, knowing what I want to say but hesitating to say it. I think of Debbie telling me to be careful. I have always been spontaneous, but this needs some consideration.
‘You are gorgeous, you know that? I’m very attracted to you,’ I say, touching his cheek.
