I hope he doesn’t think I’m making an excuse.
‘I so wish I could go, but definitely next time. It’s just been so busy with Debbie over.’
‘I understand, it’s okay.’
Abe moves closer to me on the sofa as we chat but, with a houseboat full of people, I hesitate to get any nearer. I pull myself back and once again wonder to myself what I am trying to prove. Why am I fighting this so hard? I am aware that everyone here is enjoying themselves too much to even notice what I am doing with Abe. I am the problem and nobody else. While I haven’t felt an attraction like this since I met Paul all those years back, I have way too many insecurities nowadays. What if I fall in love, even though I don’t mean to? I already have strong feelings for the man, and it’s early days! I don’t want to put myself on the line like that and let my heart rule my head. I am a woman in her fifties who is expected to know better.
As the evening closes in, the neighbours start leaving and Abe and Beatrix are the last to head home as the four of us chat late into the night. It’s almost one a.m. by the time they eventually head home, and Debbie and I are left with flags that are starting to fall down and the leftovers of a successful party. With everyone gone, the houseboat looks like a dumping ground of used plates and cups. Looking at the mess, it feels as though we had hundreds in here, not less than thirty. Debbie looks at it all and gives out a big yawn.
‘I’ll sort it out in the morning. You head to bed,’ I say.
‘No way. I’m not leaving you to sort this out. And besides, we need to dissect the evening. It was a great success, wasn’t it?’
‘It was. What a great bunch of people they are. Everyone loved your food, and those pumpkin lattes were the perfect touch.’
‘Oh, I loved it, and yes, your neighbours are gorgeous people, except for that one miserable woman.’
‘They are. Hmm, Camilla, I reckon she’s got a bit of a thing for Abe and doesn’t like me being so friendly with him.’
‘You could be right. Anyone can see how well you two get on. I noticed you on the sofa there. Are you sure there isn’t something you want to talk about?’
‘Oh, goodness. No. Honestly. He’s lovely, gorgeous and so nice. I admit, I do have a bit of a stupid crush on him, but my life here is about me. I’m not sure I want to get involved with anyone.’
‘Well, I understand that. It’s obvious there’s something between you, but I also get why you’d want to be careful. I’d be the same. You’ve got everything you need here. Do you really need a man to share it with?’
I don’t answer Debbie because I am not sure I know the answer. I don’t know what I want. I never intended to meet anyone; it simply wasn’t on my list of priorities. But with Abe living so close by, my feelings for him grow each day. I have never been so confused about anything.
Chapter Twenty-Three
Saying goodbye to Debbie is harder than I imagined and almost as painful as when I left her in Wales. As we promise to see each other again very soon and her taxi pulls away, I close the door to an eerie quietness. It’s gone from being party central to total silence overnight. For a while, I find myself walking from room to room until I decide to remove Debbie’s bedsheets and fold the camp bed back up. Anything is a distraction from the sudden quietness in here.
With all the mundane jobs complete, I take out my felting for company. I have ten cavapoos to make by Monday morning and desperately need to finish them instead of procrastinating around the place.
Soon, my arm is hurting from jabbing the needle into the foam base so many times. Right now, it feels as though it will be impossible to get these done in time without developing some sort of repetitive strain injury. I consider that I may have bitten off more than I can chew with this latest order, and it makes my confidence crumble. What was I thinking? I am not a felting superwoman; it is a hobby that is getting too big. If I can’t handle a Facebook order, I’d never manage a market stall. I don’t know what is wrong with me. Suddenly, I have gone from thinking I can take on the world of felting to feeling down about myself. I feel like a silly woman who has moved to a country where I don’t know anyone and am trying to fit in with a whole new crowd that listens to dance music. The more I think about it, it is starting to sound like a midlife crisis. I begin to doubt all my decisions, despite being so deliriously happy since I’ve been here. Debbie leaving has obviously affected me more than I thought it would. I pick up the phone and ring Hannah for a much-needed chat. We hardly ever speak anymore, and I miss her so much, even though I know she is out enjoying herself too much to call.
‘Hey, Mother.’
‘Hannah, nice to hear your voice. I miss you.’
‘I miss you too, and I’ve got so much to tell you. So, I went to the Great Barrier Reef last week. That’s why I haven’t called. I only just got back, like. I walked through the rainforest. I went swimming on the reef. You should have seen the colours. It was so magical. I’ve never seen anything like it.’
‘I can imagine. How wonderful for you.’
‘Oh, it was. I could easily move over to that side of the country. Who knows, one day? You’d have to come and visit if I do.’
‘That would be lovely.’ Although whether she’s in Melbourne or Cairns, we couldn’t be further apart. Listening to her excitement, I realise how selfish I am for wishing we were closer. I tell her how lucky she is and put my worries aside. She doesn’t want to know her mam is feeling a bit down when she is having so much fun. If she is worrying about me, she might feel she has to fly over to check on me, and I don’t want that. I want her to be free to live her own life.
‘So, how’s the houseboat?’
‘Yeah, great. Had a party on here last night. Invited all the neighbours. You’d love them. Someone brought a dance CD over.’
‘No way. Were you up dancing?’
‘Yeah, of course.’
‘Good on ya. That’s my mother. Oh, gee. I’m going to have to dash. Dad’s here, and I promised we’d head to the mall. He really needs some new clothes, and I need to save him from buying something he may regret. You know what Dad’s like – he’ll buy the first thing to get out of the stores.’
‘Ha, yeah. He never changes. Oh, great. Well, say hello to him.’
