“The bottom floors… you’ve seen part of.” He smirked sinisterly.
“You live here.” I stated, not really understanding why a person would choose to live in a big building like this.
“Of course, things are running twenty-four hours around here. I keep busy making sure everything and everyone is doing their part.” He said confidently.
“When do you make time to sleep? It’s really giving control freak.” I murmured the last of my sentence.
“I discovered that about myself a long time ago. The need for me to be in control is a good thing just like the need for me to save people and give them a better chance a life when they exit here is good as well.” He stated casually.
“So, I’ll get to leave, once I show you that I don’t need to do drugs in order to escape from my depression?” I asked holding my breath. I needed for him to say that I would be able to leave and not be held against my will.
“You’re an occasional user, which can be a danger in itself. To be honest, I don’t have plans of ever letting you go…for personal reasons of course.” He smiled.
A ripple of unease slid down my spine. He stepped closer until I could feel the heat of him. I backed away, there was no point in doing that. Each step I took backwards he took one long step forward closing the space.
“I want to take you back to my personal space.” He leaned down until he was eye level with my face.
“I want to taste you, talk to you, and get you to understand a few things…Maybe after that, I could answer the question of… why you…” He chuckled as he reached to move a stray piece of hair out of my face.
“Before I take you to see my most sacred place in this building, I want you to understand that you’re standing in the middle of it all Mira. My board, my world. You’re not just observing it and here to pass time…you’re in it.”
THE LABORATORY…
“We’re going back down?”I asked as the elevator kept sinking past levels that should’ve been the bottom. The numbers stopped all together from flashing at the top to indicate which level we were on.
When we first stepped on, Grand made me turn around and face the wall of the elevator as he put in a special code on the panel. He ignored my question on the way down then finally told me to turn around.
When the doors slid open, the air that hit me was warm and sweet laced with something floral. We walked side by side through a corridor. Grand stopped and looked down at me with an intense look.
“You ever think about using, while you’ve been here?” His raspy voice sliced through the air controlled and calm.
My eyes widened from his random question. I felt my fingers twitch at my sides as I got lost in his dark orbs thinking about my answer. He didn’t ask with judgement or disgust, but the question itself knocked the wind out of me. I looked up at him, my chest felt tight as I fought to steady my breathing. After taking in a deep breath, I found it hard to swallow down.
That’s what the truth did to most people, they refused to taste the bitter truth of their lives…after Darius, and spending time confined in a room left me with nothing but time to think. I thought of everything, down to my newfound twisted attraction to the robotic handsome man standing right in front of me. I realized that in life, you could either fake the funk…or keep it real with yourself first so that you could proceed to do the same with others.
“No and yes,” I said as I sighed roughly. “I’d be lying straight to your face if I said that the thought of using didn’t sneak into my mind when I was kidnapped. The night that you had your men snatch me up…I was eager to get back home to escape the reality of Darius falling out of love with me, and also the possibility of getting ready to be evicted from our so-called apartment,” I chuckled dryly.
“I will say that before all of this…I didn’t want to feel shit. Not the weight of my situation with Darius, nor the stress that came with carrying our financial load. The reality of missing my momma used to hit so hard, that I desperately needed a break away from my own mental…Coke did that for me…” I whispered the last part of my sentence looking away from him.
“I never felt like I overused, I did when I was in foster care because just a bump wasn’t enough for me. In my adulthood all I would need most of the time was a small bump…just enough tofeel light, numb to the bullshit and alive.” I looked back up into his dark eyes.
He didn’t speak, and I was happy that he didn’t. I wanted to keep talking right now, because there was so much more that I wanted to say just from his loaded question.
“You know, Grand? Being here, confined and against my will, forced me to be open. I never acknowledged my drug habit because I didn’t see a problem with it. The difference between me and the fiends that you lock away is that their addiction has an effect on the people in their lives, from kids to family members. Myhabit,”I paused to let the word habit sink into his brain. “My habit was my temporary escape to shut away accountability…Being here opened me up to my own problems to face them without escaping with a sniff. It forced me to realize that I purposely ignored all the red flags with Darius because I wanted him to desperately be my crutch. He made me feel less lonely when he was acting like he was super in love and into me. I got cravings but those have changed since being here…seeing things that I’ve been surrounded by in the community but not thinking much about it.” My words trailed off as I touched my chest.
Grand’s thick brows lifted slightly but still he chose not to say a thing.
“I crave peace, Grand. Real peace…In this short time, I finally realize that I won’t gain it from getting high from a small bump of coke.” I smile weakly.
Instantly, it felt like a weight had lifted off of my shoulders. It felt good just to express some of the many thoughts that had been circulating through my mind since being here. I didn’t even know what Grand’s silence meant in that moment, but I accepted it. He stepped closer to me and simply nodded his head.
“I like your answer, little owl. Accountability is very rare in adults…You don’t have to numb yourself with drugs to make yourself feel strong. All of what you just said and admitted to most people couldn’t. A lot of people walk through life with pointed fingers; I call it the blaming system of life. They need their parents, the streets, God, and the fucking wind to blame for their poor decision making.”
I saw a flash of anger zap through his eyes; he lifted his hand and swiped it across his nose.
“Once you own the cause of your pain, and a better understanding of your past, it can turn into power…that’s where your inner strength to keep pushing comes from, Mira. Nobody can ever take that shit away from you. I can blame my parent’s until I’m blue in the face…When I was young.” He swiftly looked away from me. “I thought about picking up a fucking pipe to see what all the hype was about… I couldn’t bring myself to do it, I remembered the disdain and disgust that I had towards the drug itself… I wanted an escape so fucking badly but knew that it couldn’t be that. I took on my parent’s accountability first, then later my own… I found the power in that…it later turned into a grand masterpiece…that’s what I’m getting ready to show you.”
He nodded his head before walking away, the chain on his wrist reminded me that he had me chained to him, unable to run. I picked up my feet and followed behind him down another dimly lit hallway.
