She hasn’t responded to any of my text messages or calls since Saturday, granted it's only Monday now, but still, after two days I figured she would say something; even if it was just to tell me to fuck off.
It's a super gloomy evening where the sky is full of dark gray clouds, the kind that makes you want to just curl up under a giant blanket and read a book. It almost looks like we’re just going to skip summer and fall and head straight back into the winter season where the dark clouds open into a cold snowstorm.
The weather clearly understands that today is going to be a rough day, facing Olivia after accidentally standing her up. One moment there’s blue sky, with light fluffy clouds in the air and the next it’s full of the dark clouds, making it appear like it is going to start a downpour any second.
It reminds me of the days when we were teenagers and Ollie wanted to spend the day with Cole and I, but we were young and preferred his “annoying” little sister stayed away. She would go from being a sunshiny high schooler, to a literal stormy gremlin and wouldn’t talk to us for days.
So, as I pull into the parking spot by her car at work, hoping to catch her before she leaves for home, I hope she’ll talk to me.
I back in next to her car, get out, and wait, leaning against my car. I last all of thirty seconds before I start pacing, the anxiety hitting me in every corner of my body.
She’ll listen, and understand and everything is going to be fine.I tell myself over and over.
“Noah? Why are you here?” I hear from behind me.
“Ollie,” I say, turning around. She’s stopped five feet away. I start to move toward her but she takes a step back and puts her hand up indicating for me to stop. She is trying to keep a distance. She doesn’t even have to say a word for me to know how hurt she is.
“I'm sorry,” I say, looking from her to the ground and back up to her.
“Okay,” she says. Okay so still mad. Good to know.
“Ollie” I begin to say before she cuts me off .
“You drove all the way here to tell me that you’re sorry. I know you’re sorry. You’ve said it in every text message and voicemail you’ve left me since Saturday. Has it occurred to you that I don’t want to talk to you?” Her words sting, another gut punch. I can see her eyes getting watery, is it from anger? Pain? Sadness?
“Let me explain, Olivia, please,” I say, moving closer to her. “I didn’t mean to hurt you”.
“No, Noah. I don’t want to hear your excuses. it's the same damn thing you did in Oklahoma. You don’t love me and you never did. I'm done, Noah. I can’t go through this again. So leave, go back to Fisher Creek. I don’t want to see you. I don’t want to talk to you. Do not come to my place of work or my house again.”
I freeze. I have no words. She turns away, gets in her car and drives away without looking back. I'm left standing there in the parking lot, mouth dropped, and all alone when I realize there is a tear running down my face.
Everything is not fine. Now I'm driving back to Fisher Creek. Broken. Utterly broken.
Chapter 38
Olivia
DrivingbacktoFisherCreek this weekend feels wrong. There is no light, no excitement…only heartbreak, anger, and fear of running into Noah in town. He hasn’t even tried to message or call me since he showed up at my work to apologzie. And I understand I told him I never wanted to see or talk to him again but I thought he’d fight for us this time around.
I thought that because he never stopped loving me, he’d never actually let me go. I guess I was wrong.
It's ungodly warm for a May day in Wisconsin and I think the air conditioning in my car is finally starting to give up on me.
Thankfully, I just pulled off the interstate and only have another hour to cruise down the back roads, so I can roll the windows down. I know my hate for the windows being down on the interstate is irrational and ridiculous, but I absolutely despise the noise the windows make. It's like this never-ending rattle that gets ingrained into my brain and never leaves.
I have my road trip playlist on my aux cord when “Backroad Song by Granger Smith comes on, and I’m instantly overwhelmed with emotion. I feel my eyes welling up with salty water and I have to quickly blink them away. This song sends me back to high school when Noah and I would cruise around in his car singing and dancing to whatever country song we were obsessed with that week.
I think this song obsession lasted a good three weeks before we changed it.
It’s such a heartwarming, happy memory but it also makes me realize how much I really miss Noah.
For the last week I’ve told myself that I'm not allowed to miss him, this was a sign from the universe that we really were not meant to be. I haven’t allowed myself to truly process and feel the loss, sadness, and emotion of everything that happened. I have drowned myself in my training even signing up for a marathon in the fall and work, picking up extra hours at the office.
Mason and Savannah cornered me in the kitchen this morning to tell me they’re worried about me and that I'm going to burn out hard and fast if I keep going at the pace I am. My response was that I can’t burn out if I don’t stopped moving, knowing full well how utterly false that is and that they’re right.
But truthfully, I'm afraid to stop. I'm afraid that if I stop working or running I will fall back into that deep slump I was in when this happened the first time.
Pulling back into the driveway at my parents’ house, it appears that everyone is home. Cole comes out of the house, stops at his truck, and grabs something out of the front seat as I'm getting out of my car about to greet him before going inside. I throw my weekender bag over my shoulder and stand as he walks up to me, but instead of walking up to me, he walks directly past me and into the barn without saying a word.
