‘It wouldn’t be the life you have now,’ added Henry. ‘I’m well aware of that, but that’s kind of the point. And if it’s not a stupid question, whydoyou have such a big house?’ He expected to see Adam bristle, ready with his defence, but to his surprise, his head dropped. Along with his shoulders. In fact, he looked like a soft toy someone had pulled the stuffing from.
‘Adam…?’ Henry leaned forward, concern making his heart beat faster, the thudding sound in his ears loud in the near-silent room.
‘The reason…’ Adam lifted his head, seeking out his father’s eyes before glancing away again. He swallowed. ‘The reason we have such a large house is because we thought we’d have children to fill it by now.’
Hot shame flushed Henry’s cheeks. How did he not know something so fundamental? Something so pivotal to Adam’s dreams for his life? His lifeandSofia’s.
‘I’m so sorry, Adam, I…Why didn’t you ever tell me?’
‘Because having kids is one of those things which everyone just takes for granted. That no one talks about because it’s awkward. Because I didn’t want to look like a failure.’ He held up his hands in an appropriately helpless gesture. ‘All of the above.’
Henry closed his eyes, expelling a long breath. ‘You will never be a failure, Adam. Nothing could be further from the truth, and although you might not believe it right now, would it help you to know just how special you are?’ He took a moment to compose himself. ‘I should have told you this before.Weshould have told you, your mother and I, but…’ He shook his head. ‘But we didn’t, and what’s done is done. I regret it, though. All children are special, Adam, but we considered ourselves so lucky to have had you in the first place, that we decided not to try for any more children after you came along. It seemed like tempting fate, and she hadn’t been all that kind to us up until then.’
Adam’s eyes widened, anger sparking deep inside. Belatedly, Henry realised why and held up his hand. ‘It wasn’t because of any problems we had conceiving, you mustn’t worry on that score. It was because none of the other babies lived long enough to be born.’
Adam stared at him, silence stretching out in the still room. ‘How many were there?’ he asked after a moment, his voice barely above a whisper.
‘Three…’
‘But there must have been a reason why.’
Henry shook his head. ‘There wasn’t. And believe me, we had every test going – turned ourselves inside out trying to work out what was wrong. But, in the end, we just had to accept that it wasn’t meant to be. And then, almost when we’d given up hope,like a star lighting up the night sky, you arrived, and decided you’d like to stay. We didn’t dare question it, we just thanked whatever had changed and tried to live our lives making it clear how grateful we were.’
‘I can’t believe I didn’t know any of that.’
Henry was very aware of the distance which separated him from his son. Both physically and emotionally.
‘No, and I can see now that you should have,’ he replied. ‘I think – hindsight is a wonderful thing – but I think it was because we were scared.’
‘Scared?’
‘That if we told you, it would make you feel less special. That if we did…’
‘A fairy would die?’ Adam’s smile was warm. ‘If it helps…I always did feel special.’
‘Although maybe not so much in the last few years?’
‘Maybe…’ But there was a softer look in Adam’s eyes now.
‘And the reason why I’m telling you all this is because Idounderstand how you must be feeling. How sometimes the thought of what you can’t have grows so large in your mind that nothing else gets a look-in. But the one thing you are not, is a failure.’
‘I don’t know, Dad. I mean, the job, the writing, the money, the ridiculous way we live our life, none of it’s exactly a success, is it?’
Henry smiled. ‘Someone wise once said that failure is not the opposite of success, it’s a part of it. And I think that’s true.’
‘You sound like one of those motivational posters which are all over the internet.’
‘Doesn’t make them untrue,’ said Henry, catching Adam’s look and pulling a face. ‘Clichéd, yes, but in essence…Failure isn’t a weakness at all. In fact, it can be one of our biggest strengths, as long as we see it that way. As long as we own up toit and embrace the opportunity it gives us to change something for the better. ’
‘I don’t think Mum saw it that way. At least not where you were concerned.’
Henry shrugged. ‘No, I don’t think she did. But I guess the difference between us is that I understand it’s okay to not know what you want from life. Just as it’s okay to change your mind. Sometimes, the universe deals us a card which forces that change, and sometimes we change because we know it’s what’s needed. And either way is fine. Right now, I think you’re in the wonderful position wherebothof those things are true. Just in case the message wasn’t clear enough.’
‘You’re making it sound as if it’s a done deal. That everything has to change. That’s a very scary prospect.’
Henry shook his head. ‘It needn’t be. But I’ll ask again, why do you need such a big house? Babies don’t take up much room, for a while anyway, and all they need is you…and somewhere you can stick a cot. And even when they’re older, and bigger, and have more toys, and then get joined by brothers or sisters, that all happens over a period of years…you can start off quite small.’ He drew in a deep breath. ‘A month ago I thoughtIwas settled. But what I’ve realised now is that those things I thought were important just aren’t any more. I could have died on Christmas Day, and the thought which keeps running through my head on a loop is whether I’ve been a good person, whether I’ve lived a good life. And the truth is that if Ihaddied that day, I’m pretty sure I know what the answer would be. I got lucky, Adam. I’ve been given a chance to change, and I think the way I do that is by filling my life with the things that truly mean something to me. Because, when my time does come, it won’t be money or a nice house that made my life good, but the way in which I lived it.’
‘Yes, I get that, but what about everything Sofia and I have both worked for over the last few years?’
