And I know that she’s right, because she is. I just want to keep myself in the dark just a bit longer, because if I turn on that light and have to really think about what just happened upstairs, how that kiss made me feel… Then there’s no way back, then I can’t hide anymore from this confusing shit that's been happening the last month. I knowthatas well.
But that’s not fair to her. It just isn’t.
“Was I that bad?” I ask, my throat tight, letting my thumb graze her upper arm for a bit of comfort.
She lets out a shaky exhale, and I don't know if I should hug her or not. “You weren't. You are an amazing, considerate boyfriend. You're always so nice to me.”
“Too nice, huh?” I repeat a comment she made weeks ago, and a sinking feeling settles in my gut. I love her. But I'm starting to understand that it's not the right kind of love, and that realization has been creeping up on me for some time.
She puts a hand on my cheek. “You’re a real gentleman. But I wantthat.” She points upstairs. “I want fire. Passion. Crackling heat.” She lets out a short laugh when she sees me cringe. “I think everyone should want what I just saw. And if you couldhave that… I don’t want to be the one who stands in the way of something that could be that amazing, not when I know that will never be us.”
I'm rooted in place, holding my breath. Her words resonate in my mind.
The tears start to stream down her beautiful face now, though she’s smiling softly. “So I’m sorry, honey. I’m not breaking up with you because I don’t love you anymore. I’m breaking up with you because I do. And I think you deserve something special. But I think I deserve that as well, or at least I owe it to myself to try and find it.”
My own eyes well up, and this time I do pull her close to me. She presses her face in my neck with a soft sigh, and I get a face full of her blonde curls. She smells familiar, like the shampoo she always stocks in our house, and I shudder, holding her tightly, rubbing her back with my eyes closed as she cries. As she says a silent goodbye. Because I know that this is it for us.
Something breaks inside of me, even though I sort of knew this was coming for weeks now. Maybe for months. Even before summer break, things weren't like they used to be. She's right. We're missing some kind of spark, something vital. And I'm not really sure if the spark was even there to begin with. Because if I'm going to be honest with myself, my body never reacted that way from anything with her, than what it just did mere minutes ago from only a kiss. From a guy.
But it still hurts like a bitch. At some point I thought wecouldbe happy. But ever since we drifted apart, both focusing on our careers instead of on each other, that vision started to fade, but I still tried to hold on to it. Desperately. And I think that maybe,maybe, that’s partly so I didn’t have to face the fact that I was developingsomethingfor Jace. Something that I sure as hell have to face now.
Somewhere nearby I hear a door closing, but I don’t let her go. Afraid if I do, I’ll never see her again. Which is plain stupid because we hang around in the same circles. And she cheers at my games.
Well, fuck. That’s going to suck.
“Will you still be my friend?” I mumble against her hair, which makes her lift her head. “I will miss you if I can't bitch and complain about anyone, like how stupid Lamar is. He's only tolerable when I have someone to vent to, you know that.”
She dabs her eyes and gives me a real laugh at that. “Yes, I know you need me for that. And of course, we will be. I think maybe it actually always was more of a friendship... at least lately, really.”
I owe her my honesty, so I nod in agreement. “Yeah, maybe you’re right. Doesn’t mean I like this. I don’t want to hurt you…”
“I think you’ll hurt me more if we keep doing this.”
And ain’t that the ugly truth.
But then she suddenly gives me a brilliant smile. “We will be okay, I know that. But we were bound to have an expiration date anyway right? With me leaving for Harvard law next year.”
“You what?”
Her smile gets impossibly wider.
“You got in?”
“Yeah, honey. I got in.” She actually gives me one of her shy smiles. “So I’m leaving anyway. With you going to the NFL? It’s not doable, really.”
I ignore her remark about that, because no way she can jinx my NFL spot, but grab her and twirl her around because I'm darn happy for her. This is what she was aiming for all these years..
She shrieks but laughs hard when I twirl way too hard. When I put her down, I proceed to wipe her cheeks dry; she shouldn't be crying about me. It's not worth crying about.
“Promise me one thing?” she asks, smiling up at me while I clean her up.
“Anything.” And I mean that.
She groans. “Don't say that. I'll probably regret this in a couple of weeks, desperate for your hot body, and will take you up on that.” She slaps my abs at that.
“Okay,” I grin, grabbing her hand and pressing her fingers to my shirtless stomach. “One promise then.”
She sighs, looking at her hand longingly. “Iamgoing to miss those,” she mutters, making me laugh out loud, before turning serious. “Don’t let him walk.” She stares me down, lawyer eyes and all.
