I see Kate in the doorway all those years ago. I see Shannon; she is a child again, covered in dust, holding a balloon, but when I look at her face it’s not Shannon at all. It’s a different child.
I hear sirens, I smell smoke, I see dust, I see black.
I see a baby’s face. It’s a little girl. She looks like me. No, she looks like Shannon. She cries.
I see nothing. I feel nothing.
I see Kate. I will forever want to see Kate.
KATE
The traffic slows down to a stop and I push my head back onto the headrest and let out a deep sigh.
‘Come on!’ I say in frustration as I wait, the car in front of me barely visible in the flurry of snow. Its tail-lights are about as much as I can make out, and it looks as if we’re going nowhere, so I yank on the handbrake and check myphone, remembering I’ve a message from earlier, plus I want to message David and let him know I’m stuck in traffic.
I can picture him dancing around the kitchen like he does on a Sunday afternoon, the radio playing his favourite classics from the 1970s, the smell of roast beef in the air. He’ll be wearing my apron thinking it’s absolutely hilarious that he is doing so.
‘Stay put, babe,’ the message says. ‘I’m coming to pick you up. Don’t dare drive in the snow.’
I scrunch my face and curse myself for not checking this earlier. He’ll be on his way now. I crane my neck to see if I can tell what’s going on ahead but an ambulance screaming past makes me sit up straight and my blood curdles.
There’s been an accident, which is hardly surprising in this crazy weather.
I know it’s not safe to do so and I know it’s mental in these conditions, but I can tell now the scene must be less than half a mile away, so I open the car door and walk along the far side of the traffic, ignoring the pelting snow on my face. As I wipe away the snowflakes I convince myself I’m doing the right thing.
Of course, I’m doing the right thing. It’s my instinct. I’m a nurse. I need to help. I can’t just sit in the car and wait for more emergency services to arrive in this weather. Someone needs my help and I’m going to give it.
I keep walking through the blizzard until I see the commotion in the near distance. A lorry sits tight against the leftlane and there’s a mangled car, turned on its roof, where an ambulance crew work as two police cars tape off the scene.
This is bad.
Any sense of exhaustion or exhilaration has left me now as I turn into full-blown work mode, switched off from everything, only my duty at hand.
Maybe I’m in shock. Maybe I already know what’s ahead of me, but when I come on the scene eventually and am told I can go no further by a police officer, I see the number plate on the car, I see a white and green trainer lying on the roadside and I fold into the police officer’s arms.
‘You can’t go any further, lady!’
‘David!’ I scream into the snow. ‘No!Please God, no!’
‘I’m sorry, miss, you can’t come closer,’ she says as I push and claw at her.
‘David!’ I scream. ‘We’re having a baby! Don’t leave me!David!’
‘Can someone get a blanket for this lady,’ I hear the police officer shout. ‘She’s pregnant and I believe she knows the victim. Quickly!’
My whole world goes dark.
‘Is there someone we can call for you? A family member? A friend? Anyone?’
I shake my head.
‘I’ll call my mum. Just take me home, please.’
The police have brought me home and I enter the flat to the smell of our burnt Sunday dinner.
The radio is still on; the apron he wore to prepare our meal lies strewn over the back of the chair and the table is set to perfection. He was planning something, I can tell, and when I see the engagement ring in its box beside my place mat I realize that it was the proposal I’d been waiting for.
I howl and scream and kick and beg for this all to be just a terrible nightmare.
