I like to think of an hour in a café as my ultimate me time, with a view that I can take in or switch off from as I choose, and today, even though the view through the pane of glass where I sit is something I’d usually revel in, today I’m more focused on the thoughts that are swirling through my mind and the task I’ve set myself for the time I have here before I move on.
Camille keeps me updated by regular texting with how our customers at Truly Vintage are enjoying the birthday cake I left with her in memory of Mabel. This morning’s events seem so long ago already and I’m so grateful to Camille for allowing me some time out today to get everything organized as I plan the next chapter of my life.
I like to look at life like that now. Little chapters of a much bigger story, and when one is over, we turn the page and wekeep going. I’m excited for this next chapter, more excited than I’ve ever been for those I’ve already lived through. I’m not approaching this next one with fear or any expectation, as I’ve learned from Mabel’s advice that everything is worth a try.
And that’s what brings me here today with my new friend Cain who I nervously await to come back and join me at our table.
It’s dropping down dark outside and I’m keeping a close eye on the time. Everything about today from my early start this morning, to walking Ben to school, to chatting to the estate agent about my next move, to visiting Mabel’s grave and now my time here in this café has all been meticulously planned to a tee.
I take a notebook from my handbag where I’ve written out my timetable for today and a list of people I need to contact right here, right now, to say what I want to say.
I start with Camille, the woman who has been my rock over the past twelve months with support and advice at the drop of a hat. I pick up my phone and write her a message.
‘Camille, I just want to say thank you for all your support in recent times,’ I tell her. ‘You picked me up and pushed me forward, but at the same time you gave me space and some tough love to remind me that if I want change in my life or to make things better, it’s all down to me at the end of the day. Thank you for being such a great friend and confidante, and for helping me get to where I am today. I’ll never forget it. Roisin x.’
I press send, feeling like I’ve done a really important thing to show gratitude, and then I move on to the next one, my son. The thought of him makes me well up as I picture his freckled nose, his wise little head on such young shoulders, and all the ups and downs we’ve shared in this life so far.
‘Ben, you are the light of my life, my reason for being and my wingman,’ I tell him. ‘I’m so privileged to have a son as brave as you are. Thank you for keeping me on my toes, for being so honest and true, and for helping Mabel have a voice when she wanted to say her final words to me. I had no idea you were so good at planning and posting off packages, but you never cease to amaze me! I look forward to our next adventures together. We have so much to look forward to. All my love for ever, Mum x’
I send the message to Ben’s phone, knowing he will be surprised to receive it, but I’m determined to take all of Mabel’s advice from the last year and put it into action today in her honour. I will rest my heart and follow its calling, I’ll be honest and true, I will say what I need to say to others without waiting until it’s too late, and I’ll never put the fear of saying goodbye ahead of love.
The next message I want to send is an email that I should have sent a long time ago, but Mabel has coached me in the power of now and of how to act so we have no regrets, even though my hands tremble and a feeling of being so far away from her threatens to make me shake inside.
I can look at my life with my mother from both sidesnow, as I’ve the life experience and knowledge from being a mother myself to understand that parenting is a complex, frightening and sometimes very lonely job. I’ve been a lone parent for five years now, and even though the words I could have said to my mother before would have had the power to hurt her deeply, I’m choosing words instead that have the power to heal, if not her, at least me.
‘Dear Mum,’ I type into my phone, feeling all the ghosts of my childhood come back to haunt me as I write these words. ‘I don’t know what to say to you except that I forgive you and I love you. We are all fighting our own battles in life, and I know you struggle so deeply with yours, but please know that your daughter is still finding her way in the world and she is determined to always do you proud. You did the best you could, and I know that life was a cruel and hard place for you, and that you just couldn’t cope with the responsibilities it gave you when I came into your world. You thought I’d be better off without you. You thought the world would be a better place without you, and even though we will always disagree on that one, I understand you better now, as well as the demons you fought and still fight daily. My anger has simmered away. I’m a different person. Mum, I’m not that little girl any more. Please be kind to yourself, knowing that I’ll always love you, no matter what. You are loved. Your daughter, Roisin x’
I press send and three sharp intakes of breath catch the back of my throat as I feel that overwhelming sensation ofbursting into tears that is so familiar with childhood, where you can’t breathe and you can’t speak. You can only cry and cry. I stare through the window as the rain pelts with determination against the glass. Outside, the shoppers and workers are running now, umbrellas going up, car brakes screaming, and the world is a very different place, at least it is for me.
I feel free. I feel that I’ve got some things out in the open that always needed to be said, and should anything ever happen to me, those who love me and who I love will know exactly where they stand with me.
There’s only one more person I need to clarify my feelings to, but this one will be done tonight in person. Cain returns to our table and I pack up my belongings, pay our bill in the coffee shop, and we go out to face the busy street where I hail a taxi – a yellow one of course, and Cain links my arm as we cross the busy pavement and slip inside it, headed for a night that will change both our worlds for ever.
‘Damn New York traffic!’ he says. ‘I hate these yellow taxis.’
I burst out laughing.
‘You’ll never believe this, Cain. But so did your father.’
I go to the bathroom in the Fitzgerald Hotel in New York City and stand at the basin, where I take a really good long look in the mirror.
My hair is damp from the rain and I touch my earlobes as I stare now right into my own soul knowing that I am, for the first time in a long while, being totally honest and true.
I’m doing the right thing by me. I’m taking a chance, I’m putting my heart on the line, but if I don’t do it now I will only ever learn to regret it. I have an hour to get ready and, when I think of Aidan’s reaction to this surprise I’ve planned by coming here, my tummy fills up with butterflies and I feel almost sick, but in a good way. I’m nervous as hell, but the thought of seeing him again can and will overcome any fears that nudge their way inside me.
I’d said goodbye to Camille and set off for the 13.20 flight from Dublin that saw me arrive into New York just after 16.20, glad of the four-hour time difference to let me get organized for the evening ahead. It all worked like clockwork, and Cain met me at the airport just as he promised to, and we made this journey together.
As I sit here in this hotel room now, applying my make-up and fixing my hair, I wonder what Mabel is thinking, if she’s watching over me. I can see her beaming smile, her turquoise eyes twinkling with joy, and her lips pursed as her head nods in approval. I close my eyes and I see her giving me a cheeky ‘thumbs up’ for good luck. I put in my earrings, which are long, glitzy and gold, I sweep a shade of red over my lips, which brightens up my whole face and complements my long, wavy dark hair which I spread across my shoulders.
I wait for an alternate voice in my head, but to my relief there is only joy and silence. Jude is gone. His grip has loosened. I have finally let him go.
I haven’t worn red in what feels like for ever, but thenthis dress that I’ve brought back to its home place of New York was always only meant to be worn on a very special occasion. It was Mabel’s, but now it feels very much like it’s meant to be mine.
I slip it on and it feels as good as it looks. I gulp back the waves of emotion as I look again in the mirror and realize how far I’ve come. The beads of the dress accentuate my hips and I honestly have never felt so good about myself. So this is what being true and honest feels like. This is where following your heart can bring you.
I put on my shoes, feeling tall and confident, and then I make my way to Cain who offers me his arm to link, and we walk towards the foyer where the buzz of the awards ceremony has already begun.
We weave our way through a sea of black and white tuxedos and glamorous women in every colour of the rainbow. Champagne glasses clink, a string quartet plays, canapés are served from silver trays held high in the air, and chatter with hearty laughter is in the air.
