‘Are you OK there, Ben? Are you strapped in properly?’
I go to my son and fuss unnecessarily by checking the thin black belt is fixed properly. Aidan glances at me as if I think he has done something wrong. He hasn’t, of course, but the imposter syndrome that has haunted me since my experience with Jude has reared its ugly head again and I need to get rid of it fast.
‘Sorry, of course he’s strapped in fine,’ I mutter. ‘Don’t mind me, Aidan. Mabel always told me off for being over protective.’
Aidan looks relieved and gets back into the action.
‘OK, so there’s a mini slope at the far end of the hill, just over here to my left, and I think we should start off with that one as we don’t want to give your mum a heart attack, Ben,’ he says, totally unaware of course of the inner battle I’m fighting in my head that has nothing to do with slopesor the snow. ‘Follow me, Roisin. We’ll take it easy to begin with, I promise.’
I watch as Aidan pulls Ben on the sledge across the field and curse myself for my negative thinking.
‘Live in the moment,’ I hear Mabel tell me as she used to repeatedly. ‘This is a kind, generous man who is making an effort to do something positive in the name of friendship so don’t you dare mess it up by thinking you aren’t good enough.’
I quickly push the image of Jude and the sound of his angry put-downs out of my mind and take a deep breath. It’s a beautiful winter’s day, I’m here with my son and a man who is the closest person I will ever know to Mabel, and we’re out here to have fun in her memory, just like she asked us to.
‘Go faster!’ calls Ben as Aidan pulls him along on the sledge towards the spot he wants to make a start from.
‘No problem, buddy!’ says Aidan, pulling Ben with one hand now and smoothing back his hair with the other. ‘I’d forgotten how it felt to be up here! What a magical place!’
I lift the rope from Aidan’s dad’s sledge and pull it along behind them, following them to the far side of the field where, just as Aidan had told us, there is a much more beginner-friendly slope that won’t take the light out of my eyes.
‘Come on, Mum!’ calls Ben. ‘Keep up!’
I put an inch to my step and try and shift my mindset.
‘You have to learn to trust again, Roisin,’ I hear Mabel tell me. ‘There are people out there who won’t hurt you like Jude did. Good people who can be your friends. Open up. Relax. Learn to open your heart again to friendship that goes beyond the little old lady next door.’
‘I’m trying to, Mabel,’ I whisper internally. ‘I know you’re right. I’m trying.’
I can feel her closer again already, guiding me on as I trundle through the snow with the sound of my son’s laughter in the air. I can sense her spirit is here at the top of this snow-covered hill where we spent so many happy times together. I can feel the serenity of nature as I notice the sparkle on the snow, the chirp of birdsong and the breeze in the air. I allow it to sink in and, as I do, it fills me up inside.
I don’t want to be that weak, insecure and frightened lost soul I was when Mabel found me. I want to be brave like she reminded me I could be, I want to be confident in my beauty, my intelligence, and the abilities she believed I had inside. I want to just be myself.
‘Be careful!’ I shout to Ben when his sledge wobbles at the top of the hill and, in true pre-teen fashion, he rolls his eyes at me in return. If ever anyone took a tally of the most common phrase I say to my ten-year-old son, it would be, ‘Please be careful!’
‘He’s fine! Go Ben! You can do it!’ calls Aidan, sounding himself now very like Mabel in his approach.
I begin to relax a little more, cursing myself that I let those old feelings of fear and apprehension return, even briefly. I hate that I was reluctant to talk more about my job in the charity shop when Aidan showed an obvious interest. I love it there. I put so much creativity and passion into dressing mannequins so they look smart and appealing to the customers, who I can now chat to freely and with confidence.
‘Just be yourself,’ I hear Mabel tell me from wherever she is now.
Aidan and Ben are in a world of their own and I feel like a bit of a party pooper standing on the sidelines as they get ready for their first slide of the day. Aidan looks back at me and beckons me over.
‘I thought you’d be a bit more adventurous than this after your big suggestion to come up here,’ he tells me, flashing a white smile. ‘Come on, Roisin! Join in the fun!’
I shuffle across towards him and he takes the sledge from me into his strong arms, and then wedges it into the ground alongside Ben.
‘Here, have a seat.’
‘You have got to be kidding!’ I tell him. My heart starts to thump at the thought. ‘No way! I can just about manage ice skating on the rink in town but this … what if I don’t stop?’
He throws his head back, puts his hands on my shoulders and guides me to sit on the sledge, then lifts my two feetinto place, much to the amusement of Ben who is in absolute stitches laughing beside me.
‘I think the hedge at the bottom is a good bumper,’ Aidan tells me. ‘Come on! This is a baby course. Just wait until we’re doing the big one.’
I smell his cologne again and can’t help but notice the faint dark hairs that sit below his wristwatch, his tanned complexion, and the muscular outline of the stretch pants he wears under his new second-hand coat.
He hunkers down beside me and puts his hands on my shoulders again, facing me this time.
